"AITA for leaving Thanksgiving with my sister?"
Some background: My sister's 8 year old daughter is overweight. Not obese, just chubby. It has been a point of contention between our mom and my sister for at least a year.
After an incident on July 4th, where mom told my niece she was fat and when my niece asked her what to do she said something along the line of "just stop eating", Sis stopped bringing her around our mom. Just flat out cut her out of my niece's life. To this day mom thinks she did the right thing for her granddaughter's health.
The incident: Thanksgiving was at mom's this year. It was going to be the first time they were physically in the same place since the 4th. My niece is deathly allergic to peanuts. Literally - they all carry an EpiPen. Her throat closes.
Mom used peanuts in almost EVERY DISH AND DESERT except for the vegetables. Niece could safely eat the Brussel sprouts, salad, sweet potatoes, and turkey. That was it.
Everything else - green bean casserole, stuffing, pies, cookies, hor d'voeuvers, candied yams - mom had, according to her, added some kind of peanut product to. If my sister wasn't going to teach her daughter how to eat healthy then she would, damn it.
My sister and her husband left and I went with them along with our brother and his wife and their kids. So basically most of the party. I get being concerned about a person's health because of their weight but my niece is so young.
Yeah, maybe if she becomes problematically overweight to where if affects her health later on bring it up but not now and not in such a hurtful way.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Your mom ist cruel. She deserved it.
Oh my goodness your mother is insane......NTA. If I know someone has an allergy to a food I avoid cooking with it at all. I can't imagine purposely putting an allergen into the majority of a meal to ensure someone doesn't eat it. Does She not realize that your niece might have eaten something without realizing it had peanuts in it????
peanutdemons (OP)
Yeah that was the thing. She's EIGHT. She's been told and knows she can't eat peanuts but do you trust an eight year old in front of a bunch of cookies not to grab one?
Does your mom not know about cross-contamination? She probably used the same utensils all throughout food prep, with only a quick wash in between dishes. Your sister needs to resume NC immediately. This is now a matter of life and death.
Your mum doesn't deserve grandchildren. This is how you give little girls eating disorders, and it's disgusting. I hope your sister keeps her away.
NTA. #1 not grandma's job to police her granddaughter's holiday and #2 without perfect cross contamination practices, it's likely that even the "safe" food was contaminated with so much peanuts in the prep area. It was a terrible thing for your mom to do.
NTA. Your mom could have killed her grandchild. Peanut allergies are not “don’t eat it and you’re okay”. They’re airborne. There’s cross contamination. Your mom could have gone to prison for murder if something had happened.
NTA. In fact bravo for all walking out. No one should tell an 8 year they are fat unless they would like to give them an eating disorder and low self esteem. You teach them about healthy eating and exercising together if it is an actual problem after talking to their doctor.
She may just be close to a growth spurt where they pack some on and then shoot up like a weed. Your mom is disgusting and needs to apologize asap.
Wait. Your mom was willing to murder your niece for her to be skinny? Is that what I just read?? Tell her to GTFO of your lives, forever.
This. is. messed. up. NTA, she could have literally killed your niece. There is no guarantee that the non-peanut products weren't cross contaminated. As someone who was an overweight child and overweight most of my life, I vividly remember every negative comment that family members made about me.
It *did not help* me lose weight at all but it did make me hate and fear my family members. Honestly, assuming this is all true, none of you should ever speak to your mother again.
peanutdemons (OP)
TBH I have no way to prove to you this is true but if you knew our mom you'd be like "yup" lol I also don't know that it's true. I don't know for sure that mom added peanuts to all the things.
And yeah her parents left with the idea that if you put peanuts in EVERYTHING but a few things, it is dangerous for my kid to be here. Would you trust an eight year old not to grab a cookie?
You should create your own family gatherings on holidays. Make traditions that don't include Grandma. Anyone who would treat a child like this isn't family.
You all did the right thing. As a grandmother of an overweight 10-year-old, I can say that your mom is handling this in the worst possible way. There is a huge difference between caring about a child’s health and shaming them or putting them in danger.
Telling an 8-year-old to “just stop eating” is not guidance. It’s emotional harm. And deliberately putting peanuts in almost every dish when she knows your niece has a life-threatening allergy is not an accident or a misunderstanding. That is a serious safety issue. Your sister was absolutely right to leave, and you were right to go with her.
A child’s weight is never a reason to ignore or minimize a medical condition. Your mom might think she is helping, but she crossed a major line. A caregiver who truly cares about a child’s health doesn’t shame them, endanger them, or try to “teach a lesson” by putting them at risk.
Your niece deserves to feel safe in her own family. Until your mom can respect medical boundaries, stop the shaming, and approach the situation with compassion instead of control, keeping distance is not only justified, it’s necessary. You supported the only people in that moment who were protecting the child. That’s what family is supposed to do.