'AITA for intentionally leaving my vegan sister-in-law out of the family BBQ?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for leaving out my vegan sister-in-law out of the family BBQ?"

My spouse and I got a house and we both have relatives living nearby, including our respective siblings and parents. Last year we decided to host a huge backyard BBQ party and invited friends and family. However, my spouse's sister kinda ruined it. She's a hardcore vegan, so we'll call her "Erin" (IYKYK).

Everything out of her mouth was something vegan related and everyone was pretty annoyed and mostly avoided her. If she wasn't going on about ethics, it was about health. She was basically shaming our older friends/relatives for not wanting to take care of their bodies. She told my father that his diabetes is from eating animal fat.

At one point, she even left to go to the store and returned with a ridiculous amount of VEGAN frozen patties (and bread and other items) and demanded we cook them up and serve them as an option. So to be nice, we cooked one pack....no one touched them. She was absolutely tiresome. Other than Erin, the BBQ was a hit. So we did it again this summer.

When it comes to Erin, my spouse and I disagree. I do not engage with her and she knows I'm not fond of her. He and his parents think she is harmless, whereas my family frikkin hates her guts. I did not know this until recently, but Erin got into it with one of my cousins "Mary" last year who tried to be friendly with Erin since Mary used to be vegan in the past but gave it up when it made her sick.

Apparently Erin attacked Mary calling her "ignorant" and insisted she was "doing it wrong". So I did not want Erin at this year's BBQ at all. But I did not want to cause any drama. I didn't even bring this up to my spouse. I knew that Erin was gonna go on vacation for a whole week this month, so as soon as she left, I set up the BBQ on the Saturday right before she's supposed to come back (Sunday).

Everything went perfectly as planned. However, Erin saw the photos on Facebook and was PISSED. She found out from my spouse that I chose the date so she texted me that I am evil, heartless, and a bully for leaving her out. She also brought up other really personal things to attack me so I ended up blocking her. Erin has since ran to my spouse and her parents to complain constantly and won't let it go.

So what could I have done differently? Was I wrong to schedule the BBQ when she was out of town?

EDIT 1: A little more context. Erin absolutely knows her behavior is annoying. My mother straight up told her what we were all thinking when she made that diabetes comment to my dad. Erin also does not handle criticism well.

If I went and told her that she was not welcome to the BBQ this year, she would do the same thing that she is doing now and complain to her parents and my spouse and likely show up to the BBQ anyway.

I believe planning the BBQ while she was away was the best thing to do. Because she can't prove that I did it on purpose. And as far as my spouse and my other in-laws know, it was just a coincidence and not my intention at all. So no one knows I did this. Except for all of you haha.

EDIT 2: Some more context. I did not tell my spouse about my plan for this year's BBQ, but he knew that I did not want her over again. However, when I planned the BBQ the same week she was out of town, no one, and I mean absolutely no one asked "What about Erin?". Not my spouse, not any of my in-laws.

The only time anyone even brought her up was at the BBQ when my side of the family made private comments to me asking if she was gonna show up. (My mother was ready to throw down.) Virtually everyone smiled ear to ear when I said she was out of town.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

pineboxwaiting said:

NTA She made the party miserable last year. It’s sort of astounding that she would WANT to go to another seared-flesh fest. You managed it beautifully - you didn’t exclude her; she was simply unavailable. I’m baffled that she’s so angry.

[deleted] said:

NTA. If she can't play nicely with others, she should expect not to be invited. I don't blame you at all for scheduling the BBQ when she was not able to attend due to how she behaved at the last one and the fallout caused amidst the rest of the attendees.

Answering questions about veganism if people ask? Fair. Asking for a pack of vegan patties to be cooked so then they have something to eat and it also offering people the opportunity to try them if curious? Also fair. Being obnoxious? Not something you should have to tolerate.

[deleted] said:

NTA. But, I agree with some posters that you need to lay down the law with her. She cannot ruin other's good time by preaching her religion, cannot try to shame them, is not allowed to give health advice or in any way insult them. You will provide a vegan alternative, but she is not allowed to be pushy, demanding or shame others if they don't want to partake.

If she breaks the rules, she's no longer welcome at your home. The End. That way, everyone knows their boundaries and the consequences. Just as you would treat any child that is acting like an ass when around the adults to get attention. Which is exactly what this is.

OP responded:

Funnily enough she is 8 years older than me.

Thevoiceofreason823 said:

NTA. Erin has been given the opportunity to grow up and realize what she says and how she acts can have negative consequences. While she was actually correct, it was also extremely self centered of her to think you scheduled the BBQ this weekend because you knew she would be gone instead of it just working out that way.

However, this is not your BBQ. It is you and your spouse's BBQ so you need to make sure going forward you are both on the same page. Right now hopefully your spouse will back you after all that Erin has said. If not you two need to get on the same page going forward or stop throwing the BBQ.

And chaotic_chaos_2 said:

ESH- she was rude with the vegan stuff and I get she was annoying. However this is your husbands sister, you purposely hid what you were planning from him because you knew he wouldn’t agree.

Instead of having a discussion with Erin, or setting up healthy boundaries, you made a passive aggressive petty decision that can affect your husbands relationship with his sister and possibly his parents with no communication beforehand with him. This is his family you unilaterally made a decision about…..because she annoys you.

OP later shared this wild update:

I did not expect this to blow up the way it did. And apparently one of you knows "Erin" in real life and sent her screenshots of this post asking if this was about her. I feel very weirded out by it, but I understand that posting this online was a risk.

So Erin has been blowing up my spouse's phone since this morning and is screaming that he should divorce me for being "a catalyst for hurt and deception" and that I'm "a malignancy on her family that needs to be cut off". BUUUUUUT, funnily enough after showing me her texts, my spouse turned to me and said, "My mom and I already knew you did it on purpose, but we didn't want to say anything!"

So we both just had a good laugh. I told my spouse that his family needs to sit her down or get an intervention or something. Because going forward, I refuse to engage with Erin in person or by phone. She's their problem not mine. He said after seeing the comments on this thread, he's gonna back me up 100%.

There's so much more I could say about why I think Erin is the way she is, but I'm sure she would appreciate it if I didn't. So, "Erin", if you're reading this, accept the reality check and know that literally everyone is sick of your shit. And I wouldn't comment anything if I were you because these Redditors will more than likely find out your real name and background and I don't think you can handle that. ;)

Second update:

My MIL (Erin's mother) recently told me that Erin was very upset and paranoid about being doxxed, but I assured her that I wouldn't post any of her private info. So a few hours ago Erin reached out to my spouse and apologized for her behavior and for how she treated my side of the family, especially my dad.

We've decided to just go no contact for a while and let things simmer down and probably test the waters again during holidays. These are baby steps, but looks to be steps in the right direction! Thank you to everyone who commented!