'AITA for leaving my wife at home for Thanksgiving and anniversary so I can visit my parents and siblings?' UPDATED
"AITA for leaving my wife at home for Thanksgiving and anniversary so I can visit my parents and siblings?"
My wife (46F) and I (48M) will be celebrating our 24th wedding anniversary the day after Thanksgiving. Originally, we were going to spend Thanksgiving/anniversary visiting my parents because my father has cancer and is not doing well.
However, because we weren’t sure how long he’d live, we (me, my wife, and 2 kids) ended up visiting them in October (a month early). It’s a 2 hour flight, so they’re not too far away, but not very close either.
I asked my wife to go visit them again at Thanksgiving (as originally planned) because my 2 siblings, their families, and a few other relatives are traveling to visit my parents - with the main gathering on my anniversary (Friday, the day after Thanksgiving).
It’s been about 2 years since we’ve all been together at once as we all live in different parts of the country. I feel like this may be the last time I get to see them all together before my dad passes. Unfortunately, my wife does not want to go.
She told me that I should go because she doesn’t want me to regret not seeing them in case things go poorly with my dad’s health. Her family lives down the street, so I thought that meant she’d spend Thanksgiving with them and that I’d take the kids.
When I asked the kids if they wanted to go with me, they were excited. My wife got mad and said that I can only take one kid (11M). The other kid (10M) said he wanted to stay with mom.
She requested I return Saturday (the day after our anniversary) so we can celebrate. I booked the only affordable flight but it’s to return late Saturday night, so we’d have to celebrate our anniversary on Sunday (2 days late).
She got really mad at this and said that’s too late and I shouldn’t be missing our anniversary at all. I offered to cancel the flight and stay home, but she says it doesn’t matter because by me wanting to go, I’ve prioritized my parents over my wife.
I asked her again to come with, to no avail. She does not want to go see them again. She said that this action indicates that I don’t love her anymore, and she’s lost feeling for me and wants to separate once I get back. AITA?
Small update: I tried to speak with wife about this situation and there’s a miscommunication. She thought I would be home Friday (on our anniversary), not Saturday. I could’ve swore that I told her the main gathering is Friday and I’d be home Saturday, but clearly we’re not communicating effectively.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Dude it kinda seems like the separation was what she was angling for but needed an excuse to stand behind. NTA.
Wow. Your wife needs to get a grip. Your dad is dying! Ask her how she would feel if it was one of her parents dying? Would she spend that time with your family? There is absolutely no way I wouldn't support my husband in this situation.
ImpaledAle (OP)
We moved to this part of the country to be close to her parents as their health was not good. Both of her parents have since passed. She knows exactly what it’s like, which is why she said I should go in the first place. She just thinks that I should come back home earlier. And she’s REALLY mad about it. This is why I’m so confused and starting to wonder AITA?
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Take both kids so they can say goodbye to their grandpa. It’s not fair to separate the kids and give one closure and not the other.
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Tell your wife point blank that this is probably your dad’s last Thanksgiving/holiday and it’s important to you to be there with him. Tell her she can come with, but if she chooses to stay home, then that is HER choice.
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Make the concession of doing something BIG for the 25th anniversary. Is there somewhere she’s always wanted to travel? Start offering the idea a trip/event so she knows you do value her and she does matter.
NTA- say goodbye to your dad and get the closure you need. You can celebrate your anniversary two days late, 2 weeks late, 2 months late, or even just next year, but you’ll never get the chance to say goodbye to your dad again. Shame on your wife for not being there for you and supporting you in what has to be a tough time.
ImpaledAle (OP)
Thank you for the advice. I especially like the idea to go big for the 25th…didn’t think about that. However, we were talking about getting new wedding rings next year for the 25th. So maybe renew our vows while we’re at it - perhaps at the same beach we got married? Of course, this all assumes that separation talk is a bluff/ poor argument tactic and we can rally.
Did something happen in oct? Does your family not treat her well? I feel like there is more to the story, esp if one kid doesn't want to go. I don't think we have enough information to really make a decision.
ImpaledAle (OP)
Nothing happened in Oct and the one kid simply said he wants to keep mom company. Not that he didn’t want to go. But wife doesn’t like my mom. They’re fine when talking to each other, but my wife just has a limit. She thinks my mom doesn’t like her.
For example, when we visited them 2 years ago, my mom served food with pork, which my wife doesn’t eat. She took it as an insult. In my mom’s defense, my wife used to eat pork, but stopped a few years prior to the incident.
She said she was fine if you go, but to be back to celebrate your anniversary on Saturday, which is fair. You booked a late flight so you’re unable to celebrate that day, so it makes sense she’s upset. If she is willing to leave you over this, then there is more going on than JUST this. ESH because there is more to this.
From someone that recently lost a parent, it’s devastating. And it just hits different for a lack of a better word. You and both your kids should go see your family. You do not want to regret this and you will if he happens to pass. Your wife is being selfish right now. I’m so sorry to hear your dad has cancer. Prayers going up!