'AITA for leaving my partner at home because his OCD made me late to a dinner party?'
"AITA for leaving my partner at home because his OCD made me late to a dinner party?"
My partner has OCD that has been progressively worsening over the past year. Before we leave the house, he has a routine of doing physical and mental checks, and these checks have been taking longer and longer. It’s become such a problem that we’re running late to almost everything. I’ve gently encouraged him to seek professional help, but he refuses and insists he can manage it on his own.
Two weeks ago, we were invited to a dinner party at a restaurant hosted by my boss. I was recently promoted, and this was an important opportunity to celebrate and make a good impression. Knowing how long his checks take, I asked him to start getting ready two hours before we needed to leave.
Even with the extra time, his checks still took 30 minutes, and we were running late. I was panicking about showing up late to such an important event, so I told him I couldn’t wait any longer and left without him.
I ended up being five minutes late and told my coworkers that traffic was bad. No one seemed to care, but my partner is still mad at me two weeks later. He says I was insensitive and should have waited for him, but I feel like I couldn’t risk being even later for something so significant to my career.
I don’t want to be unsupportive, but his OCD has been affecting both of us, and he refuses to get help. Am I the a^%&ole for leaving him at home?
EDIT: I wanted to add that, during his checks, I cannot talk. Otherwise we has to start his checks all over.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Your partner really does need help. This is now affecting your quality of life. To be honest, I would have left as well. Your partner can’t have it both ways… either seek professional help or understand that you will sometimes need to set reasonable boundaries.
I have OCD and have been to therapy for it and this is basically how she explained it. For me, it was more like a type of performance anxiety. There was a sort of screaming internal pressure that only the checks could relieve. It's also important to note that sometimes the checks are rooted in trauma.
OOP's partner desperately needs help. This will not get better on its own. It's too severe. It's escalating and it sounds like it might become full-blown agoraphobia. OOP might be able to push the issue since this is their partner, but the partner needs to admit there's a problem in the first place.
The insidious thing about OCD is that it tricks you into thinking you have everything under control as long as you do your checks. But OCD is cruel. It demands more checks. It demands more things be checked. It demands you stand a certain way, or that it be the top of the hour. It fills your brain with the noise of these demands, sort of like a TV-static smokescreen.
More and more demands until you're consumed in what you think is solving the problem. In its most severe forms, OCD is actually kind of a tragic illness, but it's also one that's treatable for a good deal of people.
After a year, most of my OCD symptoms are in remission (in remission because it doesn't really..."go away". You learn how to deal with it properly.) The pure relief is incredible, indescribable. OOP's partner deserves to feel the same way.
He most definitely has trauma. We’ve been together for about two and a half years, and his OCD was barely noticeable in the beginning. It wasn’t until someone broke into his grandmother’s house while she was asleep.
She only found out when her neighbors witnessed it and called the police. (He was VERY close with his grandmother before she passed.) I suspect there’s a connection between that incident and his OCD.
Within the last month, he added another step to his routine. Once we get into the car, he goes back to the porch door to test it, even though he already checked it inside. The thing I'm struggling to understand is why he needs to get into the car first and then get out to check the door.
We also have a security camera in the living room that I usually check during my lunch break to check on the dog. One day, he was off from work and going to his aunt’s house to help with her cabinets, but he was late.
On the camera, I saw him turning the kitchen light on, checking the stove burners, turning the light off, and then checking the burners again. He repeated this so many times I lost count. I was genuinely frightened, and he still has no idea I saw this.
I'm sorry you and your partner are going through this. :(
Break-ins of any kind are a very common trigger. Harm or near-harm to a loved one or oneself is another very common trigger. These two triggers are so common, that any therapist should be able to work through them if the patient is willing to put in the effort to change.
"Within the last month, he added another step to his routine. Once we get into the car, he goes back to the porch door to test it, even though he already checked it inside. The thing I'm struggling to understand is why he needs to get into the car first and then get out to check the door."
You're not dealing with real-world logic. You're dealing with anxiety-warped logic. The logic is roughly, "okay, but what if, somehow, there's something wrong with the porch door on the outside, and, somehow, my getting in this car triggered it or is somehow related? Or maybe I actually forgot? Let me get out of the car and check. But everything is OK until I get in the car."
Take any of his baffling behaviors and put the most anxiety-inducing, catastrophic spin on it and you can probably figure out the logic. There will be holes in it. Completely normal. He can probably see at least some of them. The knowledge can't help him at this stage.
This is escalation. I'm sorry to be alarmist, but I recognize my own behavior in your partner's. I wasted years of my life with this shit and it's like swallowing a rock to think someone else is suffering the same way. You guys need to involve a professional in this. And yes, that may mean medication for a short or long period of time.
"On the camera, I saw him turning the kitchen light on, checking the stove burners, turning the light off, and then checking the burners again. He repeated this so many times I lost count. I was genuinely frightened, and he still has no idea I saw this."
"Redo it" or "redo it, but with a small detail changed" is common in OCD. It's the "compulsive" part of the illness. The entire process is important to make sure things are safe, whatever that means to your partner in that context at that time.
The compulsion is often strengthened by the person trying to tell themselves they're being illogical, stupid, etc., which only increases the anxiety, which increases the urge to "redo" the check in case it was done "wrong".
It can take hundreds or even thousands of times to get something "right". Something as simple as you looked right instead of left can trigger the need to redo the check.
"I was genuinely frightened, and he still has no idea I saw this."
It can be very scary to witness from the outside. It's almost like watching someone lose their sanity for a moment. Please, please get your partner help. If there's someone he might listen to more, reach out to them. If nothing else, see if he'll at least do the exercises in a CBT workbook one hour five times a week. Wishing you and your partner good health in the near future.