'AITA for refusing to lend my sister money for her sick kid (or so she claims)?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling my sister that the world doesn't revolve around her?"

My sister Julie (28F) and I (36M) grew up in a working class family. Our parents ran a small hardware store growing up, and when they passed away eight years ago, Julie and I ran it together for a few years.

Along the way I started dating a woman, Annie (30F) who is now my wife. Annie came from a much more white-collar family, and we got engaged, her dad wanted me to have a stabler job so that she wouldn’t have to be the only breadwinner in the family and he got me connected with some of his colleagues.

After a couple interviews, I got a job offer that paid almost 3x as much as I was making at the hardware store. Julie agreed that I should take the job since her boyfriend, Stan (30M) was planning to start helping her with the store anyway. A few months later, Julie became pregnant with a baby girl and she was ecstatic.

Stan claimed he was as well, but I was suspicious of his supposed enthusiasm as he began acting more stressed as Julie got closer to giving birth. Sure enough, when she did give birth last year, Stan didn’t even stick around for two days until he ran out on her.

Annie and I helped out as much as we could, and after a while, Julie started getting back on her feet. Unfortunately, a couple months into the pandemic, the store went bankrupt, leaving Julie unemployed. She started working three part times to provide for her and the baby.

She’s asked me to borrow money 3 times in the past 6 months, and while financially I can more than afford it, I’m worried that she’s becoming a mooch and just using me for money.

The main conflict happened last month. We were on the phone and I mentioned that work’s been stressful for me, and she laughed really condescendingly and said “yeah, talk to me when you’re not the guy making 6 figures from one job, with no family to provide for.”

I felt hurt and invalidated, so I told her that 1) it’s not my fault she decided to have kids and has to spend extra on them, and 2) her problems aren’t the only ones that matter and the world doesn't revolve around her. Long story short, there was a lot of yelling, and she would up calling me an asshole and hanging up on me.

Two weeks later, she asked me AGAIN to borrow money, saying she thinks her daughter’s sick and she can’t afford to take her to the doctor. I frankly feel like that was a load of bs, and when I said no, she started guilt tripping me and said that I'm hurting a baby if I don't lend her money. I still refused and once again, she hung up on me.

Later, I told Annie what had happened, and to my surprise, she started yelling at me and saying that I was being cruel. Annie called Julie later and lent her the money from OUR joint account without asking me first. Neither of them have spoken to me for days but frankly I feel like Julie’s just manipulating Annie’s kindness to get money out of us.

Edit: For those asking about child support, she has no idea where he is and has no way to contact or track him down

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

PennysSickBeats said:

YTA. I mean, you don't owe anyone money, and you should never lend more than you can afford to lose,, but your sister doesn't have a well-connected spouse to get her into a lucrative career that could offer her more stability. And I'm confused as to why you assume she's lying about her baby's illness.

You felt put down by her comment, but she's right. Your job may be stressful, but I bet it's not as stressful as being a single parent after your spouse has abandoned you and having no means to make enough money to support yourselves during a global pandemic. Why aren't you telling her you'll help any way that you can? Why aren't you getting your father-in-law to reach out to his white-collar connections?

ETA: Thank you so much for the awards! Makes me glad to see that a lot of people feel the same about supporting loved ones and trying to be thoughtful about where you place your stress/sorrow. If you haven't already, join your local Mutual Aid group to get help/give help. No need is too great and no gift is too small!

BroadElderberry said:

YTA. Was your sister insensitive? A little. You can say that your life is stressful without it belittling her struggles. But your sister's life took a major hit through no fault of her own. She couldn't know that her partner would run out on her and then a pandemic would completely decimate her main source of income.

She's working 3 part-time jobs. That doesn't sound like someone who's trying to mooch off her brother. You aren't required to support your sister through her difficult time, but your judgements and baseless assumptions are pure AH behavior.

AndoBeast said:

YTA - I’m very confused as to what part of single mother working three jobs screams mooch to you? Or why you decided to vent to somebody in a much worse situation than you about problems she likely wishes she has?

Or why you think her choosing to have a baby with her long-term partner and a steady income stream was a poor choice on her part, it’s not as though she could predict him walking out on her and a global pandemic.

You’re coming across as very condescending to your sister who is in a terrible position through no fault of her own. You have been fortunate enough to get the opportunities you have, she did not get the same spousal privilege you did.

I really hope that both she and her baby are doing well and have a better future on the horizon. I also think that your wife has been admirably compassionate here, maybe you could learn from her.

Calmandwise said:

YTA. I really like your wife.

In the comments, OP shared this series of updates:

It really pains me to tell you all this, but I found out 5 minutes ago that her baby has whooping cough. I really feel like I understand my mistakes now, and although I can’t make up for them, I genuinely feel awful and I’m going to do everything I can to atone. Thank you for everyone who called me TA, I genuinely needed that reality check.

A couple hours ago we decided it’d be better if she just came to stay with us indefinitely so we can help take care of the baby and so that she won’t have to stress about rent and food and babysitters. Annie and I convinced her to take time off from her jobs and that we’d cover her and the baby financially and Annie’s going to talk to her dad about job openings that pay better.

Annie and I talked and we’re going to be giving her 5k monthly from now on. We wanted to give her more but we didn’t want her to feel patronized or like she owes us considering she feels guilty enough over the 5k.

My sister’s one of the most important people in the world to me. I do understand how much I messed up and I’m going to do better.

Accountability FTW!