'AITA for not letting my ex-husband's new GF have a piece of his mother’s jewelry?' NEW UPDATE
"AITA for not letting my ex-husband's new GF have a piece of his mother’s jewelry?"
Throwaway cause family follows my main. I (40F) and my ex, we’ll call him Joe (41M) were high school sweethearts, started dating when we were 17, married at 19, and divorced 20 years later, so going on 2 years now. We have an amazing daughter, Sara who is 8, and has adjusted really well to the separation.
Joe and I get along great, the divorce was amicable and we’re still good friends. Not like we hang out alone or anything, but we don’t argue or fuss at each other, help each other out, and just over all have each others backs because at the end of the day, our number one priority will always be Sara and doing what is best for her.
We’ve both moved on and are in serious long term relationships with other people. His girlfriend, Lily (46F) is great and really good for him. I have never had any conflict with her and enjoy spending time with her when we all get together for holidays and other important events or celebrations. Until last week.
Joe's parents passed away within a month of each other last summer and it was devastating for all of us. Even though Joe and I had already been divorced for about a year, they still treated me like family and I loved them dearly. Joe and Lily hadn’t started dating yet so she never met them which is a shame, they were incredible people.
Long story to get to the point, but I feel like the background is important. Last week Sara got a box in the mail from her Aunt who was responsible for dividing up my late mother in law’s jewelry amongst the kids and grandkids. She had a huge collection of both costume and more expensive fine jewelry.
I let Joe know about it and he explained that some of it was left to me so when he would come over and we sort through it together. Lily came with him which was fine. It was extremely difficult and we were both very emotional so I’m glad she was there to support him. Here’s where I think I may be the a^%$ole.
As we were going through the jewelry, we had pulled out a couple of cheaper pieces of costume jewelry for Sara to have now and I had picked out a couple of rings, a necklace, and three pairs of earrings to keep knowing that they will eventually go to Sara as well.
Joe and I agreed that the rest of it would be put away in the lockbox that we each have a key to at my house and would stay there until Sara is older and it goes to her. One of the pieces being put away is a beautiful set of ruby and diamond earrings and necklace that are obviously very real and we believe were passed down from Joes grandmother.
Lily had been admiring the set and making comments about how well it would go with the wedding dress she had been looking at (they aren’t engaged) or even with some of her date night outfits. Joe didn’t say anything to her in response and when she put them down I wrapped them back up and put them along with the rest of the jewelry in the lockbox.
Since then, Lily has texted me multiple times asking about them and if she can just “borrow” them. At one point she accused me of just wanting them for myself and pointed out that Joe and I were divorced and I didn’t have any right to keep them.
She has also said that when they get married, the jewelry will legally be part of their marital assets anyway so I’m just putting off the inevitable. I’m not planning on wearing them, per my agreement with Joe, I’ll wear the pieces I picked out and the rest will stay put away for Sara.
I have zero intention of taking any of it out unless it’s necessary and even then, I’ll let Joe know what’s going on with it. Joes has been radio silent and I haven’t said anything because I don’t want to cause any conflict that could have an impact on Sara. So am I the a%$#ole for not giving in and letting Lily have some of the jewelry meant for my daughter?
Here's what people had to say:
Let’s say Lily accepts that the jewelry belongs to Sarah, and that Joe will not be repossessing it for her. What will stop her from asking Sarah to borrow it, either for a wedding or just “date night?” How have you been responding to her emails?
Artistic_Contact_338 OP responded:
There’s probably been a little over a dozen or so texts over the last week that have been specifically about the jewelry.
I would have to go back through our texts since other than that and her getting nasty every time I say no, things have been normal texts about if Sara is wanting to get her nails done (something Lily started doing to build a relationship with her and that Sara enjoys) or if I was going to be off work to take Sara to a birthday party or if she and Joe were taking her.
She’s way more organized than Joe and is the one that keeps track of schedules and stuff so it’s even more off putting when she texts to ask me something completely mundane and then follows up asking about the jewelry again.
“The first few” and “the last few.” How many texts has she sent about the jewelry? I think you’re doing the right thing by disengaging. I wonder if Joe has already shut her down, and that’s why she’s going after you.
Artistic_Contact_338 OP responded:
I honestly hadn’t thought about the possibility of her asking Sara until it was brought up in so many responses on here. I guess I still want to believe that Lily is the kind, genuine person that she’s seemed to be for the last 10 months since they started dating.
The first few texts I reiterated to her that she was there when we went through everything and she knows that the jewelry has been put away for Sara and that it’s not going to be taken out or worn until Sara is older and understands the value of it, both monetary and more importantly sentimental.
That I’m not keeping it to wear myself, to sell, to hold over anyone’s head, etc. That it is being kept safe for Joe and my daughter, the person that it is meant for. The last few I’ve either ignored or told her she needs to talk to Joe and that nothing she says is going to convince me to change my mind about it staying locked up until it goes to Sara.
ESH. She shouldn’t be pushy and you should be lending them to her for the wedding.
Artistic_Contact_338 OP responded:
I think I would have felt differently if they were engaged but they aren’t engaged, there’s no wedding planned, and the sentimental value alone would make me hesitant to let her borrow it for anything other than a big event like a wedding.
It’s also not technically mine to let her borrow anyway, it’s an heirloom set that is being passed on to my daughter and not one of the pieces I picked out to keep for myself per my MILs wishes.
After reading the comments OP gave this update:
After reading these responses I not only feel a lot better but have a much better plan. I’m taking a couple of days off this week to talk to an attorney, look into getting everything appraised, and opening a safe deposit box.
I’m definitely taking your suggestion to set up the trust for her as well, I think that’s probably the best course of action to guarantee that all of Sara’s assets will be safe for her. Thank you!
3 days later OP came back with this update:
So many of you asked for an update so here it is really quick. I wrote this out yesterday and figured out that it was probably better to make a new post than edit the other one with it. So yeah, here’s what’s going on.
Joe took an extended lunch yesterday and came by the house without Lily. I explained to him why I was reluctant to bring everything up but I was tired of being harassed about the jewelry and that I feel strongly about it belonging to Sara, not to either of us and certainly not to Lily.
He agreed immediately and was shocked to find out that she had been asking about it and then angry when I showed him the messages. I figured the best course of action was a face to face conversation with him and being able to hand him my phone so he could see the conversation for himself and there would be no way for her to accuse me of making it up or photoshopping anything.
It sucked to see him so upset over it and I have a feeling that it’s going to get worse because from what he was saying, it sounds like Lily won’t be around much longer and regardless, she won’t be allowed back in my home and won’t be spending any time with Sara alone if he doesn’t break up with her.
I did also go first thing yesterday morning and open a safe deposit box at one of the local banks. It’s not the one I normally do business with and as of right now, my name is the only one on it and I have the only key.
I was worried about the possibility of Lily having any kind of access to the jewelry with it being in the house and until all of that is resolved, I feel better knowing that there’s no way for her to get to it. Joe and I also discussed this when he came over and he said that he agrees completely that it’s the best course of action to safeguard Sara’s inheritance.
All but one of the pieces I picked out also went in and as much as I would love to have a couple of the other pieces to wear in remembrance of her on the really hard days, I would rather know it’s safe and I still have the one piece that brings me so much comfort.
All kinds of notarized documents will be on their way to me and should be here by the end of the week when I have a meeting set up with a lawyer to determine what else needs to be done to ensure that the jewelry will go to Sara without any issues or challenges.
I spoke to the Aunt that sent everything over the weekend after I posted this (and got so much good advice, thank you all!) and requested she send copies of everything pertaining to it along with documentation from her as the executor of what was sent to who, etc. I didn’t tell her about the issues with Lily, I don’t think that’s my place and I’ll let Joe deal with telling his family or not as he sees fit.
I have an appointment later today with a GIA certified appraiser so I should be able to take all of that with me to the lawyer as well as the pictures and video that I took of each piece last night. I’m still leaning towards a trust as the best way to make sure Sara’s interests and assets are protected but we’ll see what the lawyer says and go from there.
I feel terrible for Joe. He’s a great guy and even though our marriage didn’t work out, I still care about him and always will, he’s not just my child’s father but also one of my best friends and I want him to find someone to be with that loves him the way he deserves to be loved.
It’s just that whoever that is needs to understand that Sara is always going to come first and he and I will always work as a team to make sure that she’s happy, healthy, and successful in life, our relationships with each other and other people aren’t going to hinder her in any way.
Thank you to everyone that commented and offered so much good advice and support. I really do appreciate all of it more than I can tell you. I didn’t expect this to blow up the way it did and it’s really overwhelming to be honest. I probably won’t update anymore or add anything else to this so thank you again!
Here's what people had to say to OP:
You guys seem to make a great team for Sara. She’s going to grow up very well loved.
Honestly, Lily’s not entitled to that jewelry, and you’re right to keep it safe. Joe’s obviously backing you up, so it sounds like you’ve handled this with both grace and smarts. Props to you.
My kids dad had given me some of his grandma's stuff and it's locked secured in SDB under my name only. No one but me and him know. Unfortunately he has terrible family members so that's how we have to do things now.
People suck, that's why I work with animals.
You are a good person, coparent, and mom. Well done.
And Joe's a good dad. And they're an awesome team.