'AITA for asking my baby daddy to let one of his family members pick up his wife from the airport on Christmas Day?'
"AITA for asking my baby daddy to let one of his family members pick up his wife from the airport on Christmas Day?"
Let’s start with some back story. I (33F) got pregnant from a friends with benefits (37M) 10 yrs ago. Our FWB relationship ended shortly before I found out. Neither of us were expecting a kid, but I decided to keep the pregnancy. Knowing that you can’t force someone to be a parent, I gave Kevin (fake name) some options.
Be a Father. Be an active participant in our kid’s life. Show up to all the birthdays, holidays, special events, etc. Be like an Uncle. He could be known as “my old friend Kevin” and act kinda like an Uncle. Show up to some things, but if he missed certain things it wouldn’t be a big deal. He chose option 2.
Now here is where the past drama starts. Since he chose option 2, I asked if he could put together some photos of him and his family, his medical history, and a letter explaining why he made the decision he did, so that when our kid was older and asked about their dad, I could give it to them. I swore I would never open it, and it would sit untouched until our kid asked.
He was confused by my request. He said he didn’t understand why any of that would be necessary because when our kid asked, he would just tell them everything in person.
I asked him if he really thought that he was going to just pop in and out of our kids life as “my friend,” and then look our kid in the face and basically say “Obviously I’ve always known I was your dad, but I just didn’t want to be your dad.”
He said yes. (Keep in mind that I was like 7-8 months pregnant at the time, and the pregnancy hormones were not playing around!) I blew up on him. I told him that under no circumstances was he going to look our kid in the face and tell them that while he could have been a part of their life, he just simply didn’t want to.
I told him if he couldn’t even put together this one simple thing for his kid, that I’d rather he just not be involved at all. He was okay with that option, and we didn’t speak again until earlier this year.
I had an emergency c-section because my kid was a footling breach. We both almost died. My kid was in the NICU for about a week before we could go home. I lied to the hospital staff and told them I had absolutely no idea who the father could possibly be when they asked for the birth certificate, so Kevin isn’t even listed on there.
He never came to see our kid after the birth and moved across the country a couple months later. He never told his family about our kid, so they had no idea. Because I didn’t want anything to do with him, I never asked for child support. I raised my kid alone with absolutely zero involvement or support from him for 10 yrs.
Now earlier this year, my kid finally broke down sobbing about why they didn’t have a dad because they knew they had to have one and everyone else has one, so why are they the only one that doesn’t.
It was one of the most heartbreaking experiences I’ve ever had. Because I don’t lie to my kid, I told them the truth. That they did in fact have a dad, and I could tell them about him, and do what I could to get in contact with him if that’s what they wanted. It was, so I had a couple days of massive panic attacks and found a way to reach out to Kevin for the 1st time since our argument 10 yrs ago.
For the sake of not making this any longer than I already have, basically he decided he made a mistake abandoning our kid, and he wants to be a parent. His wife (42F) already knew about our kid, and he finally told his family (parents that live 9 mins from me, sister who lives like 2hrs away and other sister who lives 5 hrs away) about them.
We have spent the last 9-10 months working on forming a relationship between Kevin and our kid. Because he now lives like 17 hrs away with his wife (they started dating 8 yrs ago, and got married 5 yrs ago), there hasn’t been a ton of IRL interactions between everybody.
He has made several trips home to spend time with our kid, his wife hasn’t been able to come even once, and my kid and I even traveled to see them over Halloween.
With most of the back story out of the way, let’s get to the problem at hand. I’m currently having a back and forth discussion with Kevin about his upcoming trip for Christmas.
He’s flying in on the 22nd and staying until like the 2nd or 3rd, but his wife is flying in on Christmas Day and leaving like 3 days later or something like that. His wife Lauren (fake name) has requested that he pick her up from the airport.
She also has requested that while she’s in town, that she and Kevin stay at his parents place instead of my house (I have a large guest bedroom with a separate outside entrance so they could have privacy and come and go as they please).
My issue with this is that:
1) This will be the 1st Christmas my kid gets to spend with their dad.
2) We had a similar situation happen on their 1st Father’s Day that resulted in a huge breakdown, and I don’t want a repeat of that on Christmas.
3) While Kevin and Lauren are in town, it would be a lot easier on both me and my kid if we were all located in the same place so I didn’t have to deal with Kevin and Lauren’s schedule, Kevin’s parents’ schedule, and his sisters’ and their families’ schedules while also driving back and forth to multiple locations, multiple times a day.
Now I totally understand that Lauren wants her husband to pick her up from the airport, and I also understand how uncomfortable it might feel to stay at my house. I totally get it!
But my point is that of the 4 people in this equation, only 1 of them is a child who still hasn’t fully grasped how to regulate their own emotions. The other 3 of us are all adults who can handle some discomfort and regulate ourselves accordingly.
I just really don’t see what the big issue is here… Kevin and Lauren have had 8 Christmases together, while my kid has had ZERO Christmases with their dad… It just doesn’t make any sense to me!
And Kevin keeps saying that he’ll think about it and talk it over with Lauren, but that Lauren is the most important person to him, and he has to make sure that she’s comfortable and that he does what’s best for her.
Meanwhile, he just doesn’t seem to understand or he just doesn’t care about what’s best for his kid…So, AITA for asking my baby daddy to let one of his family members pick up his wife from the airport on Christmas Day?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Listen, you’re not being an AH, but you’re also not being realistic. If you think this man can tell his wife “sorry, I can’t get you from the airport, I’m going to be staying at my baby momma’s house that night” then you’re out of your mind. You’re right, the kid is the only one who can’t regulate their emotions. Sadly that’s why broken families are so hard on kids.
YTA. If your kid is going to have a relationship with his dad, it's going to involve his dad's wife, and that means that they can't spend every single moment together. It's like you're setting up little tests for him to pass to prove that he wants to be in your kid's life.
The time that he spends picking up his wife from the airport is not that long in the grand scheme of things, especially since the goal is for this to be a long-term relationship. I know you're trying to protect your kid, but you're making this more difficult than it has to be.
There are 3 adults in this equation. Y’all are allowed to have your own thoughts & feelings about this situation. There is lots of room for compromise. What is your vision for this visit? Will Kevin be with your kid 24/7? Is he visiting with his family? Is your daughter going with him to visit grandparents?
Lauren is only visiting for a short time. Where is Kevin staying when he arrives? At your house? His parents live 9 minutes away so it shouldn’t be a big deal if Lauren & Kevin stay there. What time is Lauren flight? How far is the airport? Can your daughter go with Dad to pick up Lauren?
There are many ways to make this work for your daughter if y’all work together. If you’re expecting Kevin to make Christmas magical for your kid I think you may be setting yourself up for failure. He’s a flawed human being like everyone else on the planet & the word “Dad” doesn’t mean he turns into a superhero.
Sorry but imo … YTA. It appears this is more about doing things your way & less about helping your daughter enjoy time with Dad (aka a guy she just met 10 months ago). Seems like this all moving way too fast & the expectations are not realistic.
YTA. Your baby daddy taking some time to go get his wife from the airport is not going to take away from the entire holiday. Also, I totally get why she wouldn’t be comfortable staying in your home. She doesn’t really know you.
Your baby daddy and his wife have their own relationship with its own set of boundaries. Regardless of what you want, the main point is that he’s choosing to have a relationship with his child, and that shouldn’t be determined by logistics of your choosing.
You've had 10 Christmases with your child. Send him with his father to pick up his stepmom and have all 3 stay at the grandparents home together for a couple of days. For your child's sake, quit micromanaging and let go.