'WIBTA if I let my mom move in with me despite my roommate's demands?' UPDATED

"WIBTA if I let my mom move in with me despite my roommate's demands?"

My (24f) roommate (27f) refuses to let my mother (61f) move into a vacant room in my apartment because "I just can't live with someone's mother, I am too grown for that."

For context, I have lived in my apartment for 6 years. My roommate, who we'll call Anna, is a subletter not on the lease, she pays our other roommate (26m) rent and he sends it to our landlord. Anna is very much what I would call a clean freak, she sends entire paragraphs about what I view as small things, saying stuff like "I feel like I do everything around here," "hey the stove wasn't cleaned properly" etc.

I get the feeling that these messages are all directed at me, seeing as she usually comes to me with these complaints, and to the best of my knowledge, doesn't treat my other roommate this way, the two of them have been friends for many years now. I have multiple jobs and cannot keep up with her demands. All of her messages read as passive aggressive, and it's gotten to a point where nobody responds to her.

I am expected to do everything to her standards, but nothing I do is good enough, but I'll save that rant for my therapist. Just believe me when I tell you that she has a lot of unreasonable demands, such as no using the vacuum until she wakes up (she doesn't get up until 3-4 pm) and no using any dish towels to dry the counters. She doesn't respect my schedule and my needs, but I have to respect hers.

A couple of months ago, another roommate (Joyce (fake name)) and good friend of mine moved out shortly after Anna moved in, saying to everyone that she just needed more space, but she told me privately that part of her reason for leaving was Anna and her controlling behavior. When Joyce moved out, we of course needed another roommate.

My mom's lease was about to end, and she wanted to get out of the small town she's lived in for over 30 years and move to the city I'm in, not only to be closer to me (she's 1300 miles away from me), but also for better work opportunities. I offered the room to her, she accepted, and started making plans for her big move.

I told my roommates and they seemed fine with it. It was only going to be temporary for a few months while she gets her footing, a new job etc, and then she planned on finding her own apartment.

WELL... It's now 3 weeks out from my mom's move, and Anna is not okay with my mom living here. She said ("respectfully" in a pretty disrespectful tone) she refuses to live with someone's mom, she's too old for that, too grown, and that it would completely change the way she acts and lives her life as in her culture, she has to act a certain way around people she considers "elders."

She wouldn't be able to have anyone over, no friends, no guys or girls she may be dating, nobody. She would have to censor herself and it would completely uproot her life. I assured her that it would be fine, she's met my mom, my mom is cool and super chill, she'd barely be here anyways because she'd be at work or exploring the city, my mom wouldn't care if she has people over.

She said "yeah no, that wont work, I can't have someones mom in MY house." My house.... her house...?? That struck a nerve with me, I have been here 6 years, she's been here less than 5 months and is not on the lease. She feels like a guest to me, and after all the nagging, the reprimanding, the constant critiques of how I do things, I felt insulted, but I didn't say anything.

She has an entitled attitude, she came into someone else's home and told them how they have to live their life to suit her needs, and now she refuses to let my mom live here for just a couple months.

My mom has all her travel plans booked, a moving van, she's already packed her stuff into boxes, told her apartment that she's not resigning the lease... There's no going back. We thought there wasn't an issue with her moving in for a bit. So now I don't know what to do.

She can't find an apartment on her own as she doesn't make enough money yet to qualify for one, I'm her only option really, and I do owe her, as she's helped me out a lot lately and been an amazing mother. She's the only real family I have, and I want to give her this opportunity to have a better life after all the things she's been through and all she's done for me.

My mom wants to go ahead and just move in anyways, but I know Anna would make my life hell if that happened, she's a pretty volatile person, and I'm in no place to live in the same apartment as someone who hates me. I've done my best to stay on her good side thus far, but I think this would end in complete disaster.

I don't know what to do, I'm backed into a corner. I myself would move out to get away from all this, but I don't have the money to do so, and again, this place has been my home for 6 years. Sorry if none of this makes sense, I'm in quite a frazzled and anxious state at the moment. WIBTAH if I just let my mom go ahead and move in and disregard my roommate saying "no"?

This is what people had to say to OP:

Fun-Yellow-6576 said:

Get your Mom on the lease and your roommate can’t say anything. She’s not on the lease.

DDH_2960 said:

If the majority of the occupants don’t have an issue, then mom moves in. Save up to move out though.

These_Milk_5572 said:

It seems you have a roommate in addition to Anne. What is their opinion of the stay?

And OP responded:

He is fine with it, he likes my mom!

And hospicedoc said:

You should remind Anna that you didn't ask her permission. Anna doesn't get to veto anything – she isn't on the lease. Also tell her to stick her emails where the sun doesn't shine, and I would definitely be vacuuming at 9 AM, and if she doesn't like it, she can just be in charge of doing all the vacuuming.

I'm assuming that you are on the lease because you keep pointing that part out, so as long as your other roommate is cool with it move your mother in.

A month later, OP shared this update:

Right after I made that post, Anna actually went on another one of her text message tirades about how we don't do things in the apartment to her very specific standards, trying once again to control us. She berated us, called us disrespectful, insulted our character, and put herself on a pedestal as the gold standard for how a household should be run.

It went on for hours, paragraph after paragraph, and you wanna know why it started? I dried off a small water spill on the kitchen counter with a kitchen towel, which apparently, according to her, I am not allowed to do. I stood up for myself, basically told her to shove it, and she decided that was the time to bring up every gripe and groan and whiny complaint she had, all while insulting Dan and I.

Dan then joined in and started backing me up, which was a shock seeing as he never stands up for himself either. I sent Dan a long private text message basically stating that Anna needs to be evicted, her time is up, we can't keep living like this, and he agreed, but seemed to be dragging his feet until...

A few days later, Anna was having one of her loud phone conversations in the living room as she does, but we are not allowed to do, and Dan overheard her calling him racist, saying that his family probably owned slaves at one point, among other untrue things, and that was his final straw.

He confronted her, she accused him of eavesdropping and said he took that out of context, to which he replied, you're yelling in the living room, sound carries, I know what I heard. I have also heard her talking shit about us, but nothing to that degree.

On the 14th of last month we sent her the 30 day notice to vacate while we were both out of the house, as we didn't want to be home when she exploded with rage as she tends to do (that's a whole other story lmao, but basically she was in an argument with a friend on the phone for 5 whole hours, screaming, stomping, throwing things, she even smashed his laptop.

The cops were called because of how bad it was.) We also informed her that my mom would be moving in, she had no say in the matter seeing as she isn't on the lease and would not be here much longer anyways.

The day she got the 30 day notice, she basically refused to leave, and still is, so we will likely have to take her to court. We have talked to our landlord and explained the whole situation, and he is willing to help us get her out. She's making no moves to leave, and at this point, only has 9 days left of her 30 day notice.

If I could, I would just throw her belongings on the street, just like she did to some of my stuff I left in the living room one time, but alas, that's very illegal, unfortunately. She keeps making excuses, saying it's impossible, she has nowhere to go, she's gonna be homeless, blah blah blah.

Joyce, my old roommate and friend who moved out because of Anna let me in on some... interesting.... information. Anna has NEVER paid her own bills the whole time she's lived here, Dan has been paying them for her. I knew he was covering her for electric and wifi, but I DID NOT KNOW it was rent too.

I assumed she worked from home or something, but nope, she has just been living her unemployed life, bills paid for her, only interested in trying to micromanage 2 grown adults with full time jobs instead of get one herself.

And like I suspected, I also learned she's always treated Dan this way, she's always been sh!tty to him, just as she is to her other "friend," the one who's laptop she smashed. She's been using him for years it seems, until recently when he finally stopped letting her get away with it.

My mom is here, currently unpacking in the other room. Anna has been as obnoxious as ever since my mom and I got here a couple days ago from our cross country road trip with the moving van.

Slamming doors, singing loudly, talking on the phone loudly, sending paragraphs about how my mom has a couple boxes in the kitchen (which are full of kitchen things, that's why they're in the kitchen) and how that makes the kitchen unlivable for her (lol).

Anna has no room to talk when a whole corner of the living room has been occupied by a giant pile of her boxes she hasn't unpacked for the last 6+ months, completely blocking access to the coat/utility closet. I would love to just throw the boxes on the street, but she could call the cops on me for that, so for now they just have to stay. Despite all this, I am simply ignoring her.

Dan currently has the flu, but once he feels better we're going to have to sit down and figure out our game plan, as Anna has said to both of us that she will not be leaving. She flat out refused to honor the 30 days notice we gave, so yeah, it's likely gonna be housing court for us, which unfortunately will probably be a very long process.

I cannot tolerate her being here for that long, and she can't afford to pay the retainer for legal representation, so fingers crossed she gives up and leaves.

That's all I have for now as far as updates, but if anything changes, I'll keep you posted