"AITA if I let my stealing boyfriend live on the streets?"
So some months ago when we started dating, my boyfriend of two years who lives a little far would stay at my place for a couple weeks and then go back to live with his father in a house that belongs to his mom (they're separated).
Then he stayed at my place for about a month and I mentioned to him that I needed some space and for him to go back to his mother's for a while (I'm just someone who really needs her solitary time).
I then learned that his mom was in the process of selling her house and that he couldn't go there anymore. He didn't think to mention this to me as soon as he got the news.
So here we are, we're a couple, he suddenly has no place of his own, and I never agreed to his actually moving in with me, in fact I had told him several times that I didn't want us to live together and that I really needed to have some time all to my self (we are both unemployed right now so he's with me basically 24/7). So I let him stay at my place for 4 or 5 months.
Cut to a few days ago. I notice all my cash savings that I keep in a secret place are gone. I notice he seems preoccupied and I coax it out of him that he in fact stole that money from me (didn't ask directly because I was afraid he'd deny it, and my memory is so bad at that point I was going a little crazy doubting if I had suddenly used my savings for something and completely forgot).
So I helped him try to find a place he could stay for at least a week or two because I really needed to be away from him to think about what he did and whether I want to break up and I don't trust him staying at my place while I sleep or am sometimes absent.
No one in his family, not his mom, grandmother, aunts or uncles, nor his friends said yes. So last night he stayed where his father is currently staying, the garage of the house his mother sold, which has no electricity, so no heating, no hot water, no way to heat food, no light.
If I let him stay with me again it will be for an undetermined amount of time as he is very bad at life and I would have to be basically either doing all the housing search by my self or be behind his back every day telling him to call here, send a letter there, etc, etc and it still would probably take several months at least to find him a place.
To add to this, while I do believe that if we stay together he will reimburse what he owes me when he gets a chance because he doesn't want to lose me, I'm worried that if I break up with him he would not care enough to not steal again from me, maybe before leaving when I finally find him an apartment.
So, would I be an AH to just let him deal with his lack of housing even though I know he might live in that garage without electricity for a while, or maybe even the streets since he doesn't get along with his father well and he might throw him out? Do I owe him some time to get back on his feet?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Is this a real question??
YTA to yourself at this point.
NTA. Why are you even still with this man? He stole from you. Respect yourself enough not to tolerate that. People will treat you as you allow them to treat you. If you want to be treated better, don't allow people in your life who use you. Whether he ends up on the streets or not is his responsibility, not yours.
NTA. You owe him nothing. He stole from you and I'd have kicked him out right there and then. If you're worried that he might steal from you after you break up, get a locksmith and change the locks while he is out. Toss whatever belongings he has onto the street. Even if you stay together, you're never going to see that money again. Cut your losses!
This guy stole from you, you don't owe him anything. He's a deadbeat who's gonna drag you down with him. Stop doing things for him, he's an adult, let him figure it out. It is so absolutely not your responsibility to find him a place to live, you're not his mommy.
ESH. Him for being a thief and horrible boyfriend and you for allowing him to use and abuse you WHEN YOU SEE THE BLARING RED FLAGS. He is a hobosexual who is using you for housing and whatever else you got. He will keep stealing from you.
NTA He's a grown up. He can figure it out for him self. You don't owe him anything.
Please also break things off with him, unless you want to Mommy him for the rest of your life.
Girl, you need to love yourself enough to know you deserve better than some dusty man who is stealing from you. I grew up poor, I get it. But my dad also raised me to know my worth and did everything he could to provide for me and show me how a woman should be treated. And that ain’t it. Your bf is no man. He’s the AH and he owes you money.
What actually is your question here? Why have you not binned this loser long ago?
bipolarquickquestion (OP)
Sorry if I was unclear. My question is: is it okay to let him be homeless on the streets in this situation? For your second question, I have a mix of psychological issues (attachment, anxiety, guilt, doubt, self-esteem, trauma) and also he hadn't stolen from me until now.