'AITA for letting my daughter flaunt her expensive items?' 'We are EXTREMELY proud.'

"AITA for letting my daughter flaunt her expensive items?"

I (50F) and my husband (48M) have a daughter, Danica (21F), who has been extremely independent her whole life. Danica began working when she was 15, and now she works part-time for a large corporation while pursuing her studies. We are extremely proud of her and how hard she has worked.

We generally allow her to manage her own finances, and she insists on contributing monthly to family expenses with the money she earns. Danica occasionally likes to make pricier purchases, which I do not have any concern over, as I think they are sensible financial choices.

Like last year, she decided to purchase the newest MacBook as her old laptop was on its last leg, and she wanted something reliable and long-lasting or when she bought a Marc Jacobs bag for work and university.

We recently went on a family trip with my brother and his family, who have two kids of their own, Tammy (20F) and Nick (23M). His kids and Danica aren't exactly close, but they get along fine for the most part.

I know that Tammy and Nick do not have any source of income besides my brother and have not worked a day in their life. During the trip, Danica would occasionally pay for the 3 of them for small things like drinks or food. When we were shopping, Danica bought a few items for herself and picked up gifts she wanted to bring back to her friends.

During dinner that night, my sister-in-law (brother's wife) told my husband and me that we were spoiling Danica too much with her purchases. We explained that Danica earned her own money, and every cent came from her job.

Sister-in-law then proceeded to point and tell Danica that if that was the case, she shouldn't be flaunting her purchases and items in front of her cousins, who don't have a "cushy little office job" and parents who "spoiled her into the person she is."

Danica apologized politely, saying that she didn't mean to flaunt her things, but I could tell that she was upset and embarrassed. My husband stood up and shot back, saying that Danica shouldn't have to apologize for her own hard work.

I also pointed out that Danica has been financially independent since she was 15 and that we've always done our best not to spoil her. Sister in Law then proceeded to tell us that we weren't teaching her how to manage her finances correctly and that all this money had turned her into a little "brat."

Danica excused herself to the bathroom and texted that she had gone back to the hotel. We had a tense back and forth for the rest of the dinner, and we came back to finding Danica crying in her hotel room.

I call my brother, hoping that he is able to talk to his wife, but he explained that for the past few days, Tammy had been crying to her parents about not having what Danica had. She had been whining to her mum that she wanted the newest MacBook, as well, but she refused to get it for her.

Myself, Danica and my Husband have been getting calls from the rest of the family, some calling us A-holes and some who were willing to hear us out and understand where we were coming from. So AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

HelloAll-GoodbyeAll said:

So two grown adults complain to their parents about what a third grown adult has bought with her own money? Do they not realize how pathetic that sounds? NTA, your daughter has done nothing wrong.

pickensgirl said:

A 20 year old crying to her parents about what she doesn’t have. A 21 year old having financial independence and purchasing her own belongings. I think we all know who the “little brat” is in this scenario. Please don’t subject your daughter to their emotional abuse anymore. She shouldn’t be forced to vacation, or hang out, with people who talk so poorly about her to her face and behind her back.

SafeWord9999 said:

Tammy can go and get herself a damn job if she wants what Danica has - and their whole family can apologize to Danica while they’re at it - in fact I’d let your brother know you won’t be speaking to them again until that happens. Protect your daughter.

Wise_Session_5370 said:

Your brother's wife is a jealous bully. Danica has every right to spend her own money on what she wishes. She should be congratulated for doing so well for herself at an early age. The only criticism I have of you is talking about "allowing" or "letting" Danica do things. Danica is an adult. It is not your decision any more. But definitely in this conflict NTA.

CleanProfessional678 said:

NTA. I’m trying to figure out a nice way to say this, but if their kids can’t handle seeing someone with a MacBook and a Marc Jacobs bag, which are nice items and not cheap, but also not exactly ridiculously expensive, they’re going to have a hard road ahead. A MacBook is something that can last for a pretty long time.

Same with a Marc Jacobs bag. Plus it’s possible to buy both used or on sale. Or both. Nothing you’ve said makes it seem like she’s really “flaunting” her money or even engaging in over the top consumerism.

And even if she was, she’s an adult and that’s her business. It’s not your place to control her. If anything, she’s teaching them a lesson they should have learned years ago: If they want more disposable income than their parents provide, they need to get a job.

DryEnvironment1007 said:

NTA, although I find your choice of language a bit odd. I don't understand what you mean by "letting" or "allowing" your daughter to do things with her money. She's 21, an adult, you don't get a say in it? But because of that, it's also obviously not your responsibility how she presents or uses her money, and there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with how she used it, so yeah, NTA.

Ship_Negative said:

You’re not letting her do anything, she’s an adult with a job who spends money, like most adults. Tell your family member to stick it where the sun don’t shine and grow up. NTA, obviously.