'AITA for letting daycare call CPS when my husband failed to pick up our toddler from daycare?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for letting daycare call CPS when my (stbex) husband failed to pick up our toddler from daycare?"

My husband has always expected me to pay 50/50 but he never did his fair share of chores and childcare. Eventually I got fed up and I told him we should trial separation (likely leading to divorce, mostly trying out logistics). This was me trying to convince him to pull his own weight otherwise I'm out.

Anyways, he said he would want 50% custody. So I told him if he seeks 50/50 custody, he should expect to pull his weight. I told him we can divide one week for him and one week for me.

We're currently doing it as a mock house swap (whoever has custody would live in the main house, whoever is not would live in the apartment, the apartment must be cleaned at the end of the week before the swap or else the new person can hire a cleaner at the other spouse's expense).

So far, I've had to call a cleaner almost every week when moving in, but more importantly, his daycare has called me on several of his days to pick him up because dad was unavailable. It's almost a least once a week.

I told him he needs to hire a babysitter/nanny to pick up our son on days he can't do it and not rely on me. After the 8th time or so, I told daycare to go ahead and call CPS. He was extremely mad I did this. I told him if he can't handle actually having custody, he shouldn't demand it. He's a high-earner and child support would easily be 2-3k per month. Help me think of a reasonable solution/middle ground?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Aromatic_Camera4896 wrote:

What you should do is keep a calendar of the times he has not picked up the child and keep screenshots of when the daycare calls you and why. CPS getting involved now could negatively impact you in the court system since there is nothing on paper.

OP responded:

True. We do have text and emails with the schedule written clearly.

Aromatic_Camera4896 responded

That won't really matter to a judge in family court overseeing a child neglect case with CPS. They will look at you and ask why the heck you didn't pick up the kid when you were fully capable of doing so.

OP responded:

I was at work...I schedule myself to work 16 hour days when I don't have him and I work 4-6 hours on the days/weeks I do have him.

[deleted] wrote:

What is your goal in this? From here it sounds like you are trying to scare him into trying harder in your marriage at the expense of your son's stability. If you want a divorce, find a good lawyer and follow their advise to the letter. If you want to save your marriage, find a good therapist and follow their advice.

For the love of all things, leave your son out of it. Document yes, but pick him up when he needs you. Trying to manipulate him with CPS calls a looming threat of child support will not end well for anyone, your son most of all.

OP responded:

No, I am tired of him and wanted to leave him. If he wants custody, I want him to be a responsible parent on the days/weeks he has our child. I want him to prove he can handle his requested "50% custody". I don't want to do 50% custody but in reality have full custody. He can just pay child support then.

doolie wrote:

Wait, does he out earn you and still wanted 50/50 with his actual fucking wife? Or do you also make similar money? Why did you move for separation if you have the funds to rent a whole second apartment? You didn't think to hire a cleaner or nanny first?

I mean without answering those questions, it sounds like you should be collecting proof of his inability to do his fair share, and then let a divorce lawyer get you primary custody. I wouldn't ever involve the god damn feds/state in my child's life just to prove a point. You need to knock that f#$king s**t off right now, cause you have no court order protecting YOU from CPS's wrath.

You're operating on a trial basis with no judicial oversight. If CPS is called they'll ask "yeah but you're the child's Mom and you'd rather call CPS to prove a point rather than take care of your own child?" God damn this is f#$king diabolical on so many levels, you clearly hate this man more than you love you child.

OP responded:

We used to make the same (started off around 300k). after kids, I cut my hours and his career kept growing. He now makes 500k+ (excluding bonus) and I make 100k as per diem.

Making 100k is not enough for daycare, nanny, and cleaner by myself. I don't hate him, but I don't think he's fit to be a primary or equal guardian. If I keep calling out randomly from work (because he's not willing to), i'd get fired... then I'll really be screwed.

Later that day, OP shared an update.

We're in a trial separation. He wants half custody. It's been several months and it was the 8th time daycare has called me because he was unable to pick up our toddler. Sometimes he was just a "no show" and the daycare would call me because it's already been half an hour since their official close time.

Every time, the daycare is pissed at me for making them stay over time and we're charge $2 per minute for being late. They threaten to call authorities and CPS if we keep doing this. I tried to explain the problem, but daycare doesn't care (as they shouldn't).

Well last week, it happened again and I told daycare to go ahead and call the authorities and CPS. My (soon to be ex) husband showed up an hour late and met our toddler there with the cops. Daycare also threatened to kick our toddler out. (again, understandably so).

My STBXhusband was so mad and said I was a cruel mother for abandoning our toddler. I told him I warned him multiple times in the past, and issues only arise when he has "custody" (we switch with each week, trialing house swap too). I told him repeatedly if he cannot get out of work reliably, he needs to hire a babysitter/nanny and he cannot rely on me as his primary backup.

(I'd get it if it was like once or twice a year, or if babysitter/nanny plans fell through... but if i'm his ex-wife and he has custody, he shouldn't depend on me as his primary backup).

And I also felt bad about leaving our toddler but if we separated, this would only keep happening and I felt short term pain might be worth the long term gain. I feel bad our toddler is caught in the middle, but was I the AH for letting daycare call CPS?

Relevant details: We're both high paying jobs...but I intention do not schedule myself to work late on days I have him or I have a nanny/babysitter ready. Now with the trial separation, I have cut down to half time - I work half days on the days I have our toddler so I can spend time with him, and work long days on days I'm "childfree." He has made no changes in his schedule.

The comments kept coming.

sunnygal001 wrote:

Please be careful that you don't screw yourself over with this. Yes, your stbx should have consequences for failing to care for your son by not picking him up from daycare during his parenting time. However, you may not be helping yourself on the upcoming custody battle by telling the daycare to go ahead and call CPS.

Instead, go pick your son up, Every. Single. Time. and document it. Ask the daycare to call your stbx before calling you and to keep a record for you of how many times he has to be called because he is late or no shows. Use that documentation of your stbs's irresponsiblity in making sure your child is cared for to get full custody of your son, limited visitation, and full child support.

OP responded:

I’d lose my job if I keep calling out in place of him.

Curious-One4595 wrote:

ESH.

Your STBX is an AH and absolutely should be more responsible and adjust his schedule.

That said, if you could have picked him up and didn't, you also are TA. You wasted valuable CPS time for a child who wasn't being ab*sed or neglected. Also, maybe you don't understand that both parents are parties to a CPS case and having that on your record can damage you professionally.

More important, whether or not you are your STBX's primary backup, you are always and forever your child's primary backup when your child is in his other parent's care. Here's how you handle it: get a written parenting plan for your separation. If your STBX keeps violating the timely pickup from daycare provision, bring a motion for contempt. That's all.

Strange_Fig9837 wrote:

I don’t think you’re understanding that if you are not divorced yet, you are both legally responsible for your child at ALL times. Be bitter and petty all you want once the custody and divorce are finalized, but in court YOU WILL ALSO look like the negligent one here.

[deleted] wrote:

How will you manage your work commitments if you get full custody? The current situation is clearly not working and it’s negatively impacting your child, your husband is unlikely to get better, so you need to think of a new plan.

OP responded:

I'd use child support for a part time nanny. I have a SAHM friend right now who I pay to get my child if my day runs long (would be abnormal because the weeks I have him, I only do shorter days, I'm done usually by 2 pm...but she's there as my part time nanny to help me out if I run late, her kids are older).

[deleted] responded:

Unfortunately your husband is almost certainly going to keep being unreliable, so I think you need to look at what aspects of that plan you can implement now while you get the legal divorce in motion.

Once you get CPS involved this could spiral out of your control in very bad ways and refusing to pick up your child could look really bad for you if you get an unsympathetic case worker or judge. After all, if your child is sick someone needs to pick them up even if you’re working - you’re ultimately still responsible as a parent.

OP responded:

If I'm working and I have custody, I make arrangements and plan accordingly for just in case - as I always have. His backup plan is me. He's not a bad dad when he's around. Which is why if he wanted 50% custody, I'd be fine.

But I don't want to just wait around as his backup plan. If I don't have custody - I'd work or travel. If I have custody, I'll be present. But what I will not do is "not have custody but sit on my ass waiting to be his on call nanny."

Almost four months later, OP shared another update.

Not too much to update, but after talking to our lawyers and mediators, it was decided I'll be moving back to our old home with our toddler in another state and resume my old job (we moved less than a year ago for his career), I will have primary custody. He has proven he cannot handle custody.

We have agreed on an amount of child support (approximately 4k/mo). He'll keep our current house once we leave and take on the mortgage, I'll keep our old home after the tenants move out. We are set to move back in 2 months.

His lawyer advised him to accept these terms because I have clear documentations of him failing to fulfill his parental obligations, evidence that suggests alienation and career sabatoge and he's lucky I'm not seeking compensation for that.

To answer some questions...

I did not call CPS. The daycare called the cops (not CPS).

I was scheduled to work on the weeks he was supposed to pick up our toddler. I did choose to not scramble to coverage to pick him up as I was already in trouble for spontaneously leaving every two weeks (on his weeks) to cover him. In addition, getting coverage would take 30min+and then another 30 min to get to his daycare.

Yes, I could have problem solved and asked my friend to pick up but I did not.

Yes, the daycare knew about trial separation and knew it was Dad's day. But since he wasn't coming, they called me.

My old job still has needs so I'll resume there. Most days are 7-3, but there will be some 12-24 hr shifts - in which I'll have an Au Pair (we used to have one) and i'll have family around (my mom and siblings). We had moved away from my family (so my mom can help me with occasional pick ups if needed).

The internet had a lot to say in response.

[deleted] wrote:

$4k a month is ridiculous. No child needs $4k a month to be supported.

OP responded:

In 2024 - we spent approximately 80k on childcare*(not including food, diapers, medical bills, etc). That was a figure we used to estimate. That's with two parents. If split evenly, that would be 40k each. But since he's not parenting, he's paying more than half.

Daycare + au pair + occasional night coverage. In 2024, we were both working full time. He was younger then, and bonded well with our AP so I didn't mind working more. Now he is asking for me so I'll return to my old job at part time.

Edit: Why we need so much coverage? We're a dual physician home. We take call. We call emergency calls too. We work nights. We work weekends. We work before daycare opens. We work after daycare closes. So we had daycare (8-5, 4 days a week) for most of the care, au pair for the mornings and evenings outside of daycare hours and he stayed home Fridays with AP.

We had a night nanny because I worked a lot of nights to avoid missing out being with him. ex was on call essentially 365days/yr. every night I worked, we had a night nanny as backup in case ex got called into work - which is 250/night.

NaturesVividPictures wrote:

Well $4,000 a month isn't a bad deal. Obviously he has money. I'm surprised he's not using money to try and get custody and then just hire a nanny. But I'm glad it's all working out for you. Good luck in the move and hopefully this will be the end of all the hassle.

OP responded:

It's actually a horrible financial deal, but good for him. But I didn't want to fight him in court, though I doubt he would fight me in court. I wanted to move back to my old home asap. Get tested? like DNA? That would be pointless.

Ok_Assumption_598 wrote:

Holy crap! You get 4k a month in child support for 1 child? After many years I went to collect child support and my ex only had to pay 275 and got a lawyer to fight that. 275 wouldn’t even cover the gas to drive him around town for a month.

OP responded:

He makes anywhere between 45k-60k per month. It's not that much for his situation.