'AITA for letting my husband deal with his own parents since he doesn’t set any boundaries?'
"AITA for letting my husband deal with his own parents since he doesn’t set any boundaries?"
My (31F) husband’s (33M) parents are driving me crazy, and I really need some advice. We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 2.5. His parents have always been more involved in our lives than mine.
Before we got married, they bought a house with my husband—just the three of them. I wasn’t involved in that decision at all. It hurt, because I had always imagined that our first home would be something we chose together. The house is five minutes from their place, which is convenient, but also comes with a lot of strings attached.
I’m very independent, and my parents have always respected that. They don’t have a key to our house, they ask before visiting, and they never weigh in on things like how we decorate or what we do in our space. In contrast, my in-laws do have a key, and there are basically no boundaries.
We’ve come home from trips to find things moved around and dishes put away—which some might find helpful, but I find invasive. It’s caused arguments between me and my husband because I don’t like people in my space when I’m not home, even if they’re family.
One time, my sister-in-law was visiting and while we were chatting, their parents and cousin just walked in unannounced. I was so upset I excused myself and went upstairs. My husband thinks this kind of thing is normal, but I really don’t. To him, it’s just “how his family is,” but for me, it feels like a total lack of respect for our privacy.
There’s also the cat situation. Before I moved in with him, I lived with my parents and had a cat I was very close to. When I brought her to live with us, my mother-in-law told my husband we couldn’t have cats because she was allergic.
So I had to give her back to my parents. Later, at a dinner, she straight-up said, “Oh, I’m not allergic.” So now I don’t know who lied—her or my husband. That incident also made my own parents question me, which was humiliating.
After I started working from home, I got really lonely and told my husband I wanted a cat again. He agreed, but said we couldn’t tell his parents. That was almost a year ago. I’ve asked him several times to have the conversation, and he keeps putting it off. I even offered to do it myself, but he won’t let me.
Then last weekend, we made plans to go to IKEA and grab coffee, and in the middle of it, his mom called to say they bought a new piece of equipment for the house and were coming over to install it—uninvited.
My husband offered to do it himself, but they said no and insisted on coming. He actually asked me to take the cat out of the house to hide him. I refused. I told him I’m done hiding this. We live here. If I wanted to store a giant inflatable dildo in the spare room, I could—because it’s our house. We decide what’s here and who sees it.
I told him it’s time to set boundaries. He says his parents won’t listen to him, and that I need to say something. But when it came to my parents, I had those conversations myself. I never asked him to be the bad guy, because they’re my family.
So we ended up going home so he could pick them up. Thankfully the cat was quiet and they didn’t notice. But this whole thing is exhausting. I told him this isn’t just about the cat—it’s about everything that comes with it.
So now I’m asking: am I the AH for expecting my husband to be the one to talk to his parents? Should I step in? I feel bad, but it’s been almost three years of me not feeling comfortable in my own home. I’m tired of living like someone might show up at any moment. Something needs to change.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
This is actually insane. Not trying to sound judgy, but I would've left a long time ago bc his parents sound unbearable and I'm sure they will only worsen with age.
OP needs to Google the term “enmeshment”. And then Google “Divorce attorneys in my area”.
You have a husband problem.What I would suggest is that you don't have any kids with him as this will only get worse and you will be tied to him and his family for a very long time.
The house you live in isn't yours. Your PIL should buy your husband out or they sell the property and give him his share and then you buy one together. Otherwise you are put in a precarious financial position when you eventually have enough of this little boy.
You both need some therapy. If your husband doesn't get any, then nothing will change. You may have to rethink this relationship because you cannot change another person.
You can only change your response to them... so if nothing changes will you just resign yourself and understand that this is your life and you come second fiddle to your PIL or do you say, 'Nope, done with this... goodbye.'
You are a third wheel in this marriage. His family will always come before you. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
External_Ad_780 (OP)
This. I’ve said this to him. Fortunately there has been times where he’s told them to stop and its worked. They no longer just walk into the house or come while we are away. We have cameras now and I have access to them.
I’ve read the comments, and I am not sure how Reddit works so I will kind of put my thoughts about the comments here. I do have to grow a spine and I do have to put my foot down, hence me not hiding the cat while the came to the house. That was scary for me as my nature is to want to help my husband.
Thankfully my husband has taken my side on many things, but since they have some power over it the house, it can truly change our life and how we live at the moment. I understand his need not to tussle any feathers, but he understands that I’ve had enough. I wanted advice before I go into solutions mode and I am willing to go the distance and look for a place myself and my cat.
If it is financially possible, it would really benefit your independence if you and your husband move out of this house, buy one together 30 minutes away (at least) and cut all financial ties with the inlaws. It will make setting and enforcing boundaries so much easier for both of you.