"AITA for 'letting' a kid go home with his actual parent?"
I was asked last minute to give a ride to a child on my son's soccer team by my wife and the child's mother, Dana. She is a single mom who's friends with my wife and they have a weekly ride sharing system that works for her and my wife. Since my wife is out of town I agreed with no issue to take the kid to the game.
In the past when I've taken him he's gotten picked up back at our house after the game or practice by Dana. This time at the game, Dana's ex (Jay) arrived toward the end. I know him from their time together and while I've heard terrible things about him through my wife, most of it is relationship stuff between them, and I've never had an issue personally with him.
Dana's mother was having a casual convo with him which I interrupted to ask if he Jay was taking the kid home. He said yes. The grandmother didn't object, she just asked me to tell her daughter that her phone battery had passed. When I get home my wife is irate saying I left the child with an unsafe man and how could I allow him to take the kid?
She said I was irresponsible and was potentially putting the kid in danger or allowing him to be kidnapped. I think at most this is a misunderstanding but my wife says I am in the wrong. AITA for not being more aware of the ride arrangements and plan for the child getting home?
EDIT: I'm not a fan of his after their divorce but they do have their own custodial arrangements. Based on what's been shared with me he hasn't been accused of any abuse toward the kids. The only times i have seen him since their divorce is when it was his time with the kids. The child could've went home with his grandmother (whom he lives with). I left him with both of them.
UPDATE: I messaged Dana and asked if I messed up. She said no everything was fine and his Dad just came to say hi. The child went home with his grandmother.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Shadowsobserver wrote:
YTA. You never deviate from a child's established pickup routine or send the child home with someone other than the person who sent them there in the first place, without EXPLICIT instructions from the sending/typical pickup parent that you are to do so.
Hennahands wrote:
YTA, heads up most kidnappings are actually by a non custodial parent. If there was any lack of surety you ALWAYS keep the child with you. Wait until you contact the custodial parent before letting them go.
HikaruToya wrote:
I was willing at first to say that if the kid shouldn't be picked up by their dad, the mom should have communicated that but...
"I've heard terrible things about him through my wife" .... "My wife says I left him with an a**ser..."
So it sounds like you knew that their split was more than just a couple with irreconcilable differences, but you dismissed it. YTA.
Pemsroses wrote:
YTA. If the dad doesn't usually pick him up, there is a reason. The fact that you don't know what is going on with a kid that's under the care of your wife that often is also a bit troubling like do you not care about your kid's fired?
speedyejectortime wrote:
As a step parent who has gone through custody things over a decade ago, very loudly exclaiming NTA , OP. You do NOT have any legal right to deny the dad taking the kid. You quite literally could be arrested if you tried to take this kid home when the dad said he was doing it. It’s not your responsibility to play that role, either.
If the mom has proof that this man actually hurt the child, she needs to handle that in court and not expect people like you to get involved. However, it’s also an unfortunate tactic for some individuals use for an upper hand specifically in custody battles and that is for a judge to discern, not you.
Schools are not even allowed to deny a biological parent pickup without a court order banning it. Do not listen to anyone here telling you otherwise, it will just lead to you being in legal trouble.
TipsyBaker_ wrote:
NTA. The kid's other parent and the live in grandparent were both there. You have no custodial rights. I'd they both say the kid is going with one of them, you don't have a choice in the matter. The only thing you could have done was call the mother and tell her to sort it out with her mom and ex.
Altruistic_Ad_9821 wrote:
YTA, I would have erred on a soft YTA because I can see this being an honest mistake, but honestly when you said your wife has told you horrible things about the father but follow that up with “I never had a personal problem with him”, that is something to investigate in yourself. You are not the boy’s parent so it doesn’t actually matter if you had a problem with him or not. Obviously the mother did/does.
It’s messed up, but crappy ex partner's use kids as leverage all the time, and sometimes can be flat out dangerous, all in order to get back at the person they no longer have control over. One of the first things they teach you if you work at a school or in childcare is that no one takes the kid away unless it was prearranged with the parent who has primary custody.