'AITA for letting my mother throw a tantrum and uninvite herself to my wedding?'
"AITA for letting my mother throw a tantrum and uninvite herself to my wedding?"
I'm getting married in just over a month. My fiancé and I got engaged, and decided we wanted to have a wedding abroad, and to bring a small number of our friends and family with us (under 50 total). This has been about a year in the works. Everyone super excited. Venue booked, invites sent, flights booked, sorted.
My mother has long been a narcissist who would sooner die than apologize for anything she says, does, or doesn't do. She also manages to never be at fault magically. I know this, and everyone in our family knows this.
She's a difficult person, but the tried and tested "but she's family" always manages to win out. She also has a track record of being extremely vindictive (this comes into play later).
The Kickoff: As mentioned, wedding has been a year in the works. Guest list filled, invites sent over a year ago. Small venue abroad, every bed taken. We wanted small and intimate, so we instituted a simple rule- no strangers.
Nobody gets a plus one, we're only inviting people who we know, and would invite individually if they weren't together. This rule was communicated from the beginning, no exceptions.
In October, I was still waiting on an RSVP from my brother, a month after the RSVP date. I brought it up with my parents, and it was mentioned that he didn't respond because I hadn't given him a plus one, so he may not come unless he can bring his new girlfriend (GF).
Shocked, I reiterated our rule- nobody gets a plus one, and clarified that I had never met his new GF, and if he wanted a slot, he had had 6+ months at this point to ask me. I was accused of being a bad son and that I should have known to automatically give him a plus one as an exception, even though nobody else got one.
The response was effectively that my brother was right if he didn't respond and I was in the wrong. Understandably, I was a bit miffed, and left. I decided I needed a week or so to cool down, and didn't talk to the folks.
After a few messages from my mother went in responded to, 2 weeks later she showed up to my house in the middle of the work day while I was working to confront me for not responding to her. After a 5 minute exchange where I explained why I was annoyed, she got in her car and drove off after telling me she 'had enough to deal with'.
Fast forward another 2 weeks. I still don't respond to my mother's messages as I don't want to reward her behaviour. I get a message at 10pm on a Sunday night that I should try more, even if I don't 'give a fiddler's fart' about her. I do not respond.
Radio silence up till Christmas, where I communicate in advance to the broader family that I won't be in attendance this year. I say that unless my mother is prepared to apologize for her abusive messages and attitude, I'm not showing up for Christmas because I'm not going into that environment where it will be like a powder keg and guarantee fights at Christmas. All accepted, and I think it's fine.
2 days later, I'm over at my in laws, and I get a wall of text from my mother, telling me what a horrible son I am, that neither me nor my fiancé care about her or the family, and that not showing up for Christmas really shows how little we care about her.
She then says that it would be best if I took her off the wedding guest list. Obviously , this is all pretty raw to hear 2 days after Christmas and it stresses me out. Again, I not respond as I've made my position quite clear to my parents and broader family what I need.
Now it's a few weeks out from the wedding. I've heard nothing from my mother since Xmas, and havent had an in person exchange since October. My family are asking what's happening, and if I've apologised yet to her.
I've made it clear that she uninvited herself from the wedding, and if she isn't willing to engage in a positive manner or address the fact that what she is doing is deeply abusive and manipulative, then I have to take her at her word, and keep her off the guest list.
I've been told that she's family, that I'm not being an AH, or that I'm putting a lot of stress on her family, but I feel this is the straw that breaks the camel's back. My fiancé and her family are supportive of me here, and the reality is that if things were mended today, I don't trust that on the wedding day she wouldn't try and blow things up just to spite everything.
Makes me sound like a bad person, but I dread the idea of her being there. So AITA? I know it's selfish of me, but I really don't see a way of enjoying our wedding day with her there.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Good for you setting your boundaries but be prepared for empty seats and wasted air tickets because the extended family will take sides. Hopefully you can cancel in time.
Shot_Chemist_2647 (OP)
Luckily, if the extended family on my side don't attend, it's less than 10 people total as we're keeping it small. If they don't show, the wedding is still happening, just with one side of the family, and our friends.
NTA. Looks like neither your mother nor your brother are coming. That saves you the costs of two people and the hassle of two killjoys. win-win.
Shot_Chemist_2647 (OP)
Turns out that my brother wasn't even the problem in the end. He ended up confirming he was coming, even without the plus one. So this has now become entirely about the attitude.
NTA but how are you responsible for her withdrawal from the wedding? That said there is still a chance she will show up because narcissists want the last word and a wedding with a captive audience would be a perfect place for that. May want to get security just in case.
Shot_Chemist_2647 (OP)
If the other side is to be believed, it's my fault as I should try to make up with my mother because she's family and I should be a good son. By not letting this go, it's my fault.
I truly don't understand folks who claim that an apology shows weakness....these folks are SO FRAGILE that they can't admit when they've made a mistake or done something wrong.........NTA, OP.
Go ahead & share the messages you've received from your mother in the family thread. Your mother has stated she won't be attending & you will not permit any wiffle-waffle on this..no Vicki Pollard "yes, but no" RSVPs for your wedding.........
Tell them that if they make excuses for her that they are cosigning her behavior & that you'll also take it that any mother-backers are effectively RSVPing no. I'd suggest hiring some security for your wedding (ceremony & reception). Share photos of the people who should be denied entrance should they turn up...