'AITA for letting my brother call me 'dad' and refusing to tell him the ugly truth?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for letting my brother call me 'dad' and refusing to tell him the ugly truth?"
I'm well aware that this story sounds extremely hard to believe. Sorry, but this story is 100% true and it is a hot topic of discussion in my family at the moment. I was born when my parents were both 19, and my only other brother (let's call him Josh) was born when they were 42.
They divorced shortly after Josh was introduced to the world (he was 4 months old at the time), and they both wanted nothing to do with the child.
At the time, I was 23 and I was living alone with my then-girlfriend who was 21 (now my wife), and I done my best to convince at least ONE of them to take care of young Josh for his sake and the family's sake, but they refused adamantly and said that I should be taking custody of him instead.
So I became legal guardian of my brother and he's been living with us for the past 12 years and things have been going really smooth for us. Josh, now almost 13, has been calling me "dad" and my wife "mum" and our two children (4F, 9M) his siblings and he has absolutely NO idea about his real parents, and to be honest, I let all of that slide.
He has NO idea that I'm really his blood brother and not his father, and I'm starting to feel guilty and a little weird. Some of my uncles and aunts come to visit occasionally and they are really disgusted at the fact he calls me "dad" and they are surprised I haven't told him the truth.
They constantly messaged me, talked to me in private and I cannot chat to them without this one particular topic rising up - badgering me to let him know already but I refused. I discussed this with my wife and she thought it would be wrong to tell him the truth because none of my parents wanted to take care of him and I'm the only person in the world who gave him the "father figure" everyone deserves.
I feel that he has the right to know what he is to me and what I truly am to him, but he's suffered enough already and I just want things to continue how it is. Reddit, AITA? WIBTA if I let him know the truth?
The commenters did not hold back.
christina0001 wrote:
This is a good topic to discuss with a therapist or counselor that specializes in adoption related issues. My understanding is that it can be very distressing to a child or adult to abruptly find out that they've been adopted.
Most things I have read indicate it's best to let the child know early on, that they came from a different mommy's tummy, and then went to their mommy and daddy, or something along those lines.
Your brother is past that point. But you are better off acting on this sooner than later. It's better that he find out from you and your wife. Otherwise, eventually someone is going to spill the beans.
Advena-Nova wrote:
Ya op you and your wife are definitely Josh’s real parents don’t let your relatives tell you different. But josh will find out you’re not his biological parents one day and it’s better if it comes from you. You’re going to have to prepare yourself for that day.
JJamesPl wrote:
NAH. I completely get where your uncles are coming from. The little guy deserves to know the truth. But it doesn’t have to be now, and it certainly doesn’t have to be explained as “your parents wanted nothing to do with you” When he’s older you can explain some version of “when you were born, our parents were going through a really rough divorce, and neither of them could take care of you.
I loved you so much that I wanted to raise you as a son. You have been the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I’m so glad to have you in my life. I know this is a lot to take in, and you might have a million questions or you might need some space to digest all of this. I’m here for you whatever you need."
OP responded:
This is honestly a great way to tell him. Part of me is saying that I should tell him this right now before my other relatives tell him (in a much worse manner), but at the same time, part of me is saying "hey, i think it's a little too early". And this is exactly what is tearing me apart.
knitblue wrote:
It absolutely wouldn't hurt to talk to a therapist first but I would say yes. The longer you wait, the worse it will get. It starts off as being "I'm not your biological father" but as the years pass, it adds issues on. I will never feel the same way towards my family not because my Dad isn't my bio-Dad, but because so many people maintained a lie for so long.
Before you tell him, decide what it means for you. Do you view yourself as his Dad, or his brother? When I found out, my biggest fear was that my Dad would treat me differently because I knew the truth. That would have destroyed me.
OP responded:
He is my brother and I view him as a brother/son, but I love him similar, perhaps even more than a father would to his bio-son.* And yes, over time, perhaps it will get worse. I'm getting a lot of comments saying "sooner than later".
Not long after posting, OP shared a small update.
UPDATE: About 70% of the comments are advising me to tell my son who I really am to him, and some are saying "sooner than later". I've just got up to discuss this with my wife and now after a lot of hesitation, we've decided that it's best the truth comes from us and it has to come now. Right now, it's late for us, but we shall address this to him first thing this week, or even tomorrow. Thanks guys.
Then almost a month later, OP shared another update.
Hey guys! So many people wanted me to update on my previous post and wanted me to seek professional advice first before I take matters into my own hands. I went to my local therapist and told him about my situation and asked what to do.
To keep it short, he said he's heard similar recounts from before and said it is best if I tell him as soon as possible for multiple reasons and to make sure that my bio-children are present (multiple reasons).
I asked a few of my closest friends and the majority said more or less the same thing. My wife and I decided to sit the kids down and burst the big bubble. I asked my brother Josh to come closer and I made sure I held him close and make him feel comfortable.
He asked "What's going on?" but I started by telling us how much we cared and loved for him, then told him everything about my parents (I put them in a bright light in hopes of a reunion) and who I am to him, then quickly hugged him and my other two kids together and told him that I love all my children the same and NOTHING is going to change my love for him.
He was shocked and asked if I was joking, but I was starting to cry a little at this point, so he knew I was serious. My bio-children were very surprised too. He was in tears and asked me why I didn't tell him sooner. I didn't know what to say and said "I was just trying to protect you, I'm sorry and I hope you can forgive me", but unfortunately and understandably, he left.
He didn't talk to me as much, again, understandably so. I continuously offered him to go out to the park and play a bit of football (he loves that) and all his favourite things, but he just outright declined and even got a little angry sometimes for me even talking to him.
I thought I messed up big-time, until one day while my wife and two children were out doing shopping and we were alone, he came up to me and said "I know you're not my real father, but I want to let you know you're the best dad in the whole world. Sorry for before." I hugged him and things got pretty emotional.
It would be a big lie to say my house is normal now (far from that), but things are slowly - ever so slowly - starting to brighten up. There's no longer anything to hide anymore and it feels like we are born again. Josh is a tough kid, and he handled this far better than I believed he would. I'll be looking into therapy for him to help him recover just incase it doesn't go well in the long run.
I'll strive and continue to be a great dad to my kids, and a great dad to my brother/son. Thank you Reddit for pushing me towards this happy ending. Thank you for all the advice and judgements I got (excluding the rude ones about my uncles and aunts -- eeek!) I love you all. Good night.
The commenters did not hold back.
Wikidess wrote:
"I know you're not my real father, but I want to let you know you're the best dad in the whole world. Sorry for before." Oh man I felt the tears welling up in my eyes at this part! Thanks for the (rare) heartwarming update!
LeMot-Juste wrote:
Therapy so he can deal with the future (he's going to share this with friends who might not be kind) is a great idea! And keep being the best dad possible. Love him, never let him be in doubt of that, ever. Your wife is going to have to negotiate this on her end too, since he now knows she isn't his biological mother anymore. Lucky kid your first son. Someday that will all be very clear to him. Thanks for the update!
rythmicjea wrote:
Came here to say this. He's going to have a lot of thoughts running through his head and not know how to express them.
International-Aside wrote:
Damn. It's rare that an AITA post puts tears me my eyes but here we are. So glad things are working out well and that he's getting his own treatment; its a lot to process but a caring professional can help guide him towards a healthy outcome!
RockyGeographer wrote:
You are a shining example of how a Dad is not necessarily a biological father, but a man who loves his kids with every fiber of his being. Kudos to you for taking that hard step and always being there for your son.
I believe he'll learn even more about what it means to have a truly loving parent than he would have had you never told him. Wishing you and your family all the best.