"AITA for not letting my daughter give money to her sister who is an affair child?"

I (42F) have 3 teens (16F)(16M) Twins and (14F)daughter. My eldest daughter came home yesterday and was upset because she received a text message from my ex partner (57M) to send their half sister money for something. My daughter was so upset and asked me why her father asked her all the time for money. I was pissed.

For context: I split from my ex several years ago because he brought us to the brink of financial ruin. I owned a property and he put our family in a perilous situation where I sold my house last year to get out of our common law relationship.

I started over and live somewhere else because I realized he did things for the benefit of himself and not for our family. He also uses women to get what he wants. It's a long tale but we shall focus on the fact at hand.

I instructed my daughter to not send the money. I told her if there was a problem to let me know. An hour later my ex called our children to speak with them about their school day. I observed my daughter's body language as she sat uncomfortably on our couch while she and her siblings spoke to their father related to school events for the following week.

At this time I maintained my composure to wait for him to say anything else and of course he did. At the end of the conversation, he requested my daughter to send his request. He said it cryptically but what he didn't count on was that I was listening.

After my daughter hung up her phone, she received a barage of texts from her father to send the money to him for his affair child who is (17F). I asked my daughter to find out why this child needed money. She has 3 parents including my ex. Why does she need this money from my daughter? The response from ex: to pay for a manicure for the affair child and to bond with her sister.

Folks, I lost it. I think my children have only heard me curse a few times in their life but I was pissed. My children just met the affair child last summer whom they never knew about. They've met her 4 times so far and feel weird about her which it understandable because wth. My daughter was SO stressed and I informed her that I will send a message to her father regarding the money. Don't worry.

I send the texts. I went in on my ex and informed him understand no circumstances will our children ever give money to the affair child moving forward. Our children are children. He's the parent of this child. He's responsible for her. I called him a low life using our daughter to fund this child who I've been informed is spoiled by her other parents.

He countered that I blew up our family because I was selfish. No dear, I left you because you put us in $90,000 worth of debt that I didn't know of before the bank almost came to repossess our former house.

His response was wanting the kids to bond to the affair child as his goal. Here's where I feel ITA for denying the request for money because I am responsible for this affair child existence. Should I have left this matter alone?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Additional_Jaguar_76 said:

NTA. The only thing I want to mention though, is to work harder at removing your daughter from the manipulation, instead of having her do the digging to find out more information. She needs to be as far removed from all of this as possible.

Your ex picked that ONE daughter for a reason. He’s honed in on his ability to manipulate her successfully. You need to have a talk with her about red flags, etc. he also spoke to her “in code” for the same reason.

No man should be asking his teen daughter for money. Ever. Let alone to give it to another child. This man has successfully used everyone around him, and has a system. Do everything you can to reach your daughters how to spot red flags and not be his victim.

Imaginary-Yak-6487 said:

NTA. He’s wanting one underage daughter to send money to her underage half sister so they can bond? Over what, That their dad is a POS by trying to manipulate his kids?

TwoBionicknees said:

Contact the other woman and presumably her husband is the third person. tell them what your husband is doing, trying to weasel money out of your kids. The money isn't for the sister, it's for him. He's in debt and desperate. No one screams or harasses their kids for money for a half sister, he's just a scumbag.

The other parents need to know and work out if he's trying to scam money out of their kid for him as well, he's probably getting the half sister to give him money to 'give to your kids'. He's trash.

And OP responded:

Hello - I don't wish to speak to the affair partner. At the time she was also a part of being cheated on by her current husband. Her husband cheated on her with her baby sister. She was a mess when I met her. Then she and my ex cheated on me. 🙃

I watched her 2 kids a couple of times too before I had my own children. Fed her kids. Now she's back with her husband and they are together for years now. It's a whole mess but I have moved on from that chapter of my life.

And desolate_cat said:

NTA. Your ex is such a loser, he doesn't even have any money to pay for a manicure for 2 girls? If he wants them to bond then he should pay for it, end of story.

***Update***

Thank you to everyone who commented on my post. It has helped me out alot on my next steps. I will clarify some questions from commenters so bear with me. How did I cause the existence of the affair child? The half sister came into the picture after my ex partner found out I cheated on him with someone else at a time when I felt unwanted by him.

My ex flirted with numerous women at the time of my affair. I found out about the AP and the child when I was 5 months pregnant with my Twins at work one day. The AP called me at work to harass me to let me know she had a kid for him. It was shocking and I had only known this person for several months. In the early days of my pregnancy she was calling him all hours of the day.

I literally had a dream where one of my deceased relatives informed me of a child that belonged to him. I didn't want to believe it but the dream kept coming until I asked him and he gaslighted me when I confronted him. I told him if I didn't get answer I was leaving him. He confessed after the AP called me but he hid from me for 24 hrs. It's a long saga that is painful.

We had been together at this point 6 years. We had been trying for kids but to no avail until surprise! I am pregnant with twins but at that point I was also looking to get out of that loveless relationship when I found out I was pregnant. When I found out I was having twins, I bawled my eyes out because I couldn't terminate the pregnancy. They are the loves of my life no matter how trash their father is.

Custody questions - we co-parent our kids. I have the kids full time and they see my ex every other weekend. We both have demanding jobs but I handle alot of things for the household just like I did when we were together. I am going to speak to a lawyer around the money matter.

I also found out from my daughter that she was told to give her half sister $30 towards getting her hair done last fall. I was furious! She asked me if she'll get her money back. I will make sure she does. My daughter's money is from her savings and she earned that money from working her first job last summer.

Comments on self esteem and red flags: I have talked to my eldest daughter around this already. She is a very quiet person and does what she is told but I have challenged her to speak up when someone confronts her. As for red flags - my kids know red flags.

I always ask them to use critical thinking in situations and they discuss it amongst themselves. If they cannot solve the issue then approach me to discuss. This situation happened in real time so I was able to deal with it right away. Unfortunately, I have to see my ex soon for a competition my kids are in. I will be discussing this matter further with my ex. If he challenges me, then I know what to do.