My parents have, for a long time, seen me as sort of the mess-up in the family. They love me, but it's clear they pity me. Even when I'm excelling in my career, it's clear they don't see a difference between an Executive Chef and a barista at Starbucks.
A few months ago, there was an issue where my sister tried to say my inheritance should just go to her because we weren't going to have kids (which wasn't true, we were waiting to save up and buy a house before we have kids) and she has two now that need the money.
The whole family took her side, but when I explained how she'd had her tuition covers + 4 different cars + two houses + a new roof for the second one all paid for by our parents and on top of that she's got 72k in debt just from her shopping habit - she didn't need the money, she needed a financial advisor, my parents backed off.
I found out later a big part of why she relented was because she started telling people my husband and I are dirt poor and needed that money. I let my whole family keep believing that for the most part, since we are saving and it's better than them thinking we're better off and expecting extravagant gifts from us all the time. We live in a shoe box apartment to save money.
We mostly only use my car and carpool when we need to travel for work. We're pretty set though, and now my husband got a promotion that will help us more.
The issue is that my mom just moved to our state. I'm NC with my sister, and my dad lives out of state. My mother just moved here last Saturday and she discovered pretty quickly that we're nowhere near as destitute as my sister made us out to be, and now it's spreading through the grapevine that we started that rumor to get hand outs and leave my sister without.
We literally never asked for money. Just like we never said we were about to be homeless or that we couldn't afford to eat. That was all part of my sister's concoction. Sure, I didn't refute it, but that's also because the only real rumor I'd heard was that we were having a "tough time" and "needed my inheritance" which was true enough.
I do feel bad that my mother was worried, apparently, sick over me, but given that she treated my miscarriage in April as something I did to her and left me without a support system - it's hard for me to feel too much guilt about this. Am I the @$$hole here? Or do I just come from a family of Drama Queens?
CuriosiT38 said:
NTA. You have narcissists in your family. Your financial situation was assumed by your sister and mother and it isn't your job to correct other people's assumptions. I would assume you won't get any inheritance and free yourself from the manipulative behavior. It may be worth every penny.
OP responded:
The inheritance, after that last debacle, was transferred directly over to me. I have it in a savings account that we're not touching until we find a house. It was set aside for me by a deceased relative. My sister got the same exact amount, but she wasted it on her first house.
[deleted] said:
NTA. Your sister is the psycho here and your parents should stop putting it on you and enabling her. How is it your fault she is a greedy spendthrift that’s makes up lies out of revenge?
OP:
Because she's their little darling. She got a degree in an actual university, while I went to cooking school. She's never been arrested, while I had a DWI 8 years ago. She has two kids, I have no kids. She's their perfect angel, of course they believe her over me.
teke367 said:
INFO: How did they "find out" that you weren't "poor"? Sounds like you still live in that apartment, you don't mention having bought a new car or anything. Sounds like there's a whole bunch going on here, and you "not correcting" a falsehood is a minor part to it
OP:
My mother came over to my apartment when my husband was at work. No one in my family talks to my husband because they've believed a bunch of rumors my sister has spread - saying he's abusive, saying he's an alcoholic. None of it's true. He's asked me to stop venting about my family drama to him, so I didn't tell him about this.
When he got home, my mom started grilling him about his apparently poor life choices because she's heard he was working part time at the store he's actually a manager of. He clarified, told her about his promotion, then suggested we all go out to eat to a somewhat expensive restaurant to celebrate.
And the-sunshine-slut said:
NTA and I think you need to strongly consider going NC with the entire family.
The inheritance comes from my adoptive great-grandmother, not either of my parents as they are very much still alive. She left equal amounts for my siblings, cousins, and myself. My uncle named all his kids after him so he could take their inheritances, which yes is illegal - that's a separate thing being handled separately. My sister managed to get my other sibling's inheritance when he passed away.
When she tried to get her hands on mine, she initially told our dad that I said it was okay because it was being held for me in an account of my father's as I didn't want to be tempted.
He told her he needed to hear it straight from me, and when I told him I had no idea what he was talking about and that I was obviously not okay with it - she made it seem like I'd told her it was fine (no) and that she had been counting on that, that I'd basically screwed her over by "going back" on that.
Also, as mentioned in the comments, someone said I should post it here for context, she only started bringing this up a week after my miscarriage, citing that I was just "never going to have kids". While we did want to wait and the pregnancy was not planned, it was no less very much wanted and heart breaking. She knew how upset I was, and I suspect she thought I would be too beaten down to refute her.
That was when I went No Contact with her. The reason I left the inheritance information so vague was because that part of this saga is, in my opinion, irrelevant. I already know she's a terrible person. I don't need others telling me she's TA there. My question here is purely about whether or not I'm TA for not clarifying my financial status, and I've gotten conflicting answers.
Most comments tell me I was right not to disclose my finances, that if my family really cared they would have reached out as opposed to continuing to spread rumors; but there's a good chunk of you who think I'm TA for not telling them all the rumors weren't true.
Idk if I'm TA or not, honestly, but I agree that they should have reached out and I don't think it's my job to get involved with that drama just to clarify. If they're inclined to believe that stuff about me without bothering to hear my side of things, are they really family? I'm not sure. Anyway, hope this cleared some stuff up.