'AITA for letting my oldest daughter take the kids trick or treating so I could sleep?'
"AITA for letting my oldest daughter take the kids trick or treating so I could sleep?"
I (42M) have 3 children with my wife (41F) (kids ages 16, 10 and 8.) My wife is a ICU nurse, who works many many more hours then me. Unpredictable crazy hours. I work only part time because of this.
I have been fighting off a bug though, and work that day was busy and I was very tired afterwards. I came home got the kids home, fed them, did what needed to be done and got them prepared for trick or treating. I was so exhausted.
My oldest daughter (16F) was there with her boyfriend and they had no plans except to stay in and watch movies. I had asked her if she minded taking them instead because I really felt like I needed to lay down. She said yes and didn’t mind, she was even excited and they did some quick skeleton make up on each other.
I texted my wife and told her before laying down. When I woke up 30 minutes later I had several angry text messages from my wife how I had no reason to not bring them, they should’ve had one parent there and how it wasn’t our daughters job. I texted back told how it wasn’t a big deal our daughter was fine with it and I was really sick (not realizing how mad she actually was.)
Trick or treating went fine, the kids had a blast. Took a bunch of cute pictures. Around 2 am my wife got home, I was asleep but woke up to her coming in. I said hi how was work, she didn’t answer me.
The next morning we got into a big argument. She said I had no reason not to be there, and I should’ve sucked it up for the kids. I said the kids had a great time and I didn’t want to slow them down or cut their time short.
That just made her more mad and said that’s why she said suck.it.up. And how she had an excuse and I didn’t (even tho I never said anything about her not being there.) I called out of work that because I was still very sick and pretty much the entire day she was cold to me. She’s now at least talking to me but still bringing it up to anyone when they ask how Halloween went. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Your wife is being ridiculous. Your younger kids probably had more fun with your oldest than they would have had with you. Also your daughter probably enjoyed it and now all three of them have a memory they will have forever.
NTA. My teen daughter took her little brother around and they had fun together. Your daughter was excited to do it. You weren’t drinking or going drugs or just too lazy to go. You were sick!
My 16yr old sister took me trick or treating when I was 5, I loved it.
NTA unless you make a habit of pushing the younger kids' care on the eldest.
NTA - you were unwell and I bet the kids had a blast with big sis! My 18 year old still goes trick or treating with siblings. :)
If all is as described, NAH - your 16-year-daughter enjoyed herself, so did the younger kids, so no harm done, but your wife was quite reasonably irate at having a parentifying plan for her teenage daughter sprung on her ar the last minute when she couldn't do anything to stop it or protect her kids.
Your oldest daughter did you a MASSIVE favor, and you owe her one. Do not take it for granted or expect her to do it next year. Do something nice for her as a thank you for stepping in. You also owe your wife an apology for worrying her. Never mind that in fact everything went well - she didn't know that when she was at work and you told her.
I wasn’t even sick and my oldest took our 12 and 9 yr old out. They had a blast and thought it was so cool to not have us there lol. She’s wildly overreacting.
I think she is mad at herself for not being there. She likely wishes she was home more with her kids and is taking that out on her husband because he is. Misplaced regret/anger.
NTA. I took my younger siblings trick or treating when I lived with them, it really wasn't a big deal. In fact I would wager your kids will remember the year they got to trick or treat with their big sister more than will the years they got taken by their mom or dad.
Often younger siblings hang a lot on those moments they got to share with siblings when there is an age gap. Also, if it was so freaking important to your wife she should have been there.
You're NTA, and your wife is both an AH and a liar - she is not being honest about what her actual problem is here because what she's saying makes no sense. There is no problem with what happened - the children went, they had a good time, there's no issue there, no problem to fix, no reason at all to 'suck it up'.
I think your available options are:
Just quietly hope she gets over it, pin her down and demand an explanation of exact what her problem is or just tell her she's being unreasonable and you're not going to entertain her BS so she should knock it off.
NTA because 16 didn’t mind. The others didn’t mind and it sounds like you took care of everything you could before they set off. You were sick, not lazy. Would she prefer you passed out on a random sidewalk?
You're not the bad guy. Your wife is a bit of a bad guy. She shouldn't have reacted like that, but considering the job she has, she must have been exhausted and stressed and took it out on you. You work part time. Is it possible that this is affecting your wife and that she resents you because you work less time?
Maybe she is upset about missing so many activities with her children and somehow she feels that, despite being able to be there, you didn't want to make the effort and she, who wanted to be there, couldn't because she had to work. It's something you should talk about.
I doubt that the problem is that you did not accompany your children, I think your wife is too tired and feels that it is unfair that you can rest and she cannot and that you are there for your children and she cannot. They must find some balance.