'AITA for letting my teenage son attend 'Dad night' for his youngest sibling?'

"AITA for letting my teenage son attend 'Dads night' for his youngest sibling?"

My 8-year-old Sam's school regularly has 'special person days' for grandparents, father figures and mother figures. It's extremely inclusive, stepdads /grandfathers/uncles attend as well. For example one of my son's friends is raised by his aunty and uncle, who attend the mother/father figure days.

An older friend of mine attends the grandparent days with my kids, because my parents are 6 hours away. A few weeks ago they had a 'escape room' themed night for father figures. It's sponsored by local mens organisations, and very popular in our community.

My older son attended with Sam, when Sam asked him too because Sam wanted to do the escape room.

He was not the only older sibling there.

The school posted photos to the Facebook page, and my ex husband saw. He is claiming alienation and that I'm cutting him out of their lives. However

He works away 2/1, and can't come back outside of emergencies.

When the dates lined up a few months ago, he didn't take our youngest because he was too tired. So he couldn't have gone, and didn't want to last time he was invited.

I understand he's upset about missing out, but Sam shouldn't have to stay home just because dad isn't home.

AITA for letting my son attend for Sam? (I'm not worried about the alienation claims as I have records with all visitation and communication, and I pushed for 50/50 when we divorced, but he didn't want that. He is free to see the children as much as he wants and he currently chooses 2-3 days of his week off.

The kids have keys for both houses and we are close enough that they ride bikes/take the bus between houses, (and the older 3 always have spending money and full bus cards so that's not stopping them from visiting) so are free to visit whenever. Before we worked away, he saw them every second weekend, by his choice.)

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Gaycollegeteacher wrote:

NTA. Your ex couldn't attend due to his work schedule, and last time he was available, he chose not to go. Sam shouldn't miss out on school events just because dad isn't around.

Your older son stepping in as a father figure is exactly what the school encourages they explicitly welcome various family members. Your ex is displacing his guilt about missing out onto you instead of acknowledging his own choices around work and visitation.

Profession-unable wrote:

NTA, not one little bit but I would recommend notifying your ex each and every time something like this occurs.

"Just letting you know Sam has an event this Thursday. I know you’re working so James will be taking him but I just wanted to let you know."

Should you have to do this? No. But it will leave Dad no room to complain he is being left out and, much more importantly, will leave Dad without a way to claim alienation to Sam when Sam is older, i.e. ‘your mother never told me about events and always left me out’.

Stock-mountain6063 wrote:

My younger son would take his big brother any day of the week over his father. Even as adults my youngest would definitely ask his older brother for advice and help regarding so-called manly things rather than go to his father. If your child chose his brother then it was your child's choice and he's allowed to do that.

blondeheartedgoddess wrote:

So let me get this straight. Just because your ex couldn't be available the day of the event, he would rather make his son miss out on a fun experience? Instead of being glad that your teenage son stepped up to make his little brother happy? Basically, "if I can't have fun, then the 8 yo can't either!"

I see why this guy is your ex.

NTA and please thank your teenager for me. He's a stand up dude.

Whereweretheadults wrote:

NTA. Sounds like if was more involved in his children's lives he would know about these things and could schedule them if he chose. I don't think it's your duty to make sure he's notified of everything. It's definitely not your responsibility to make sure he's included. I think he's just trying to make you responsible for managing his relationship with his children and that's a hard pass.

Major_Zucchini5315 wrote:

I love that schools are so inclusive with these events. I’ve gone to my nephew’s VIP day twice and it’s full of parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and siblings. As long as the child has someone there that loves and supports them, I’m all for it.

Imaginary_Escape2887 wrote:

NTA, you keep all your records and receipts regarding visitation and always remember that you are doing an EXCELLENT job as a parent, especially as the one who spends more time with the kids and has to pivot and make adjustments constantly because the other parent is seemingly incapable of pulling his own weight.

If the kids' father wants to be involved, he will make the effort to be involved. This clown is just trying to turn the heat on you because he's probably embarrassed by how other people perceive him.

Needforspeed98 wrote:

What a wonderful event. And what a wonderful pair of sons you've raised.

NTA. Ignore your ex, he has the option to step up. He's just embarrassed that he's been seen for who and what he is.

crumpledspoon wrote:

Your ex isn't upset that he's "missing out". He's upset because he's realized that he is replaceable in your 8 year old's life. He's upset to realize that the 8 year old has choice in who he sees as a worthy male role model.

He's upset that, to be a dad to your son, he would have to put in effort. NTA, and good on you for encouraging both of your sons to develop a healthy, trusting relationship. It will benefit both of them in the long run!