'AITA for letting my pregnant daughter move in with me and my GF against my GF's wishes?'

"AITAH for letting my pregnant daughter move in with me even though my girlfriend doesn’t want her to?"

I (40m) have an 18 year old daughter with my ex-wife, call her Maddy. We divorced when she was 7, and I have her 3 weekends a month. Her mom moved to a suburb almost an hour outside the city to be closer to her family and for a better school, my work was in the city, and after a while Maddy got sick of all the driving and ask if we could go to a different schedule.

We talked most days on the phone, and I have been very involved in her life. She’s a great student, graduated with over a 4.0, has a lot of friends and a (what I thought!!) very nice boyfriend. She’s has no idea what she wants to do with her life, and had already decided to defer her scholarship a year to take classes at the community college and work.

I also have a girlfriend Vera (37) and she gets along with Maddy great. We’ve been together about 2 years and she just moved into my house a few months ago (edit:her old roommate got married and she couldn’t afford rent alone, we’d been together almost 2 years and I was considering proposing so it seemed like a good idea after she couldn’t find another place.

She pays the electric and water bills but my house is paid off so I just pay taxes, insurance, and the other utilities) and it’s been great. I didn’t really date much the past few years between Maddy and work so it’s nice having someone always around. Vera doesn’t want kids of her own, and I don’t want anymore, so it’s been great.

So for all that, Maddy is pregnant and her mom has kicked her out. Her boyfriend has another year left of nursing school and lives in a college apartment with roommates. She is of course staying here for now and found out late - she’s due in January. She and her boyfriend went over the options and decided to keep the baby. She told me very meekly and asked if she could stay.

I told her of course, she knows this is disappointing but she’ll never stop being my baby and if this is what’s going to happen, I’m here to support her within reason. As in, I’m fine babysitting if she has work or class, and she will keep working and going to school, but I’m not babysitting for her to party or hang out with friends.

If the boyfriend bails, which I was as kind as I could be but told her happens even with the nicest boys, she would need to file child support. And I would give her grace before and after birth, but when she’s recovered she will go back to doing chores on top of baby ones.

I told her and the boyfriend to sleep on it and they did and came back with actual thoughtful responses, and even a budget and budget goal that I found impressive. So, the tiny bedroom next to Maddy’s that is currently home to a treadmill I never use is going to be a nursery.

Of course I’ve kept Vera in the loop during all of this, and she seemed really understanding until I told her the plan. She got upset and said if she wanted to raise a baby she’d have one of her own. She said she didn’t sign up for this and is not ok with it, and demanded I rescind the offer, that Maddy is 18 and needs to figure it out on her own if she wants to keep the baby.

I told her I wouldn’t do that, she’ll always be my daughter and needs help. She threatened to move out if I didn’t tell Maddy to get out, then got mad that I told her I understood. Now she’s avoiding the both of us (but still staying here) or being snippy. I don’t know what she expects me to do, but it’s making the entire house anxious. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

RJack151 said:

Say goodbye to this relationship.

OP responded:

It’s a shame because I was planning on proposing around the holidays, hopefully we can work it out because we’re really good together.

mustang19671967 said:

Time to tell you GF she can do what’s best for her but your daughter will Probably be here for 3-4 years . Let her know you want her to stay but your life will change

OP responded:

That’s what I told her, she’s not happy about it and being rude to me.​​​​​​

kayleighdang87 said:

18 is barely an adult, and actual adults who think 18 is a proper age to be 100% on your own are a problem. Good job still being willing to be a parent to your child when she needs you. NTA.

EmeraldEmber- said:

Yep. Like bad things only really happen when you don’t have any parental support. It’s a nice comfort not many people have

Forsaken-Routine-466 said:

NAH... GF may choose to move on and that's a perfectly reasonable choice given your change in circumstances. You each have choices. Wishing you all the best

thirdtryisthecharm said:

She doesn't have to be happy about it. You just functionally told her that you and she are incompatible and need to break up right after she made the commitment to move in with you. No one would be happy about that.

HeyPesky said:

When you date a parent it should be clear they are a parent first. The pregnancy is a surprise sure, but OP continuing to be a present father wasn't.

Hije5 responded:

Sure, parent first, but no one is expecting a 40yo to have their child of legal age move back in with them, no less having to take care of a baby. Not to mention right after taking the plunge of moving in with them after being hesitant. What, is the girlfriend supposed to say? "whelp, looks like that's all she wrote. Good day."? People can't have emotions about a complex issue?

Would've been better for everyone for a 18 year old not to have a baby when they can't take care of it on their own, no less having a boyfriend about to graduate nursing school. Do they not comprehend the hours nurses work? Shitty situation on quite a few levels.

OP responded:

I don't care if my daughter is of legal age, she's still my child. And there was never a promise of her moving out, she she didn't move back in. That's my kid. People on here (and Vera apparently) think that at 18 I'm supposed to kick my kid that I love to the curb. Sure, maybe they'd figure it out and it would all be fine in the end, but how the hell could i live with myself?

My best friend lost their kid when he was just a few years older than Maddy to addiction. Kids aren't always perfect, and I would take 100 grandbabies over what my friend went through, no questions asked. Once you know someone who loses their kid, you get a little perspective.

This isn't the same world as when I was 18, it was hard then moving out but doable. 2 bedrooms in my city in decent areas are over 2.5k a month without utilities, and that's if you get a good deal. I helped Vera out when her money situation was bad, and i'll be helping my kid out. Those things aren't up for debate.

adoxiemomma said:

I respect you for taking in your daughter, but you are delusional if you really think that Vera won't be burdened with raising this kid if she stays. I'm sure she will leave and you will be raising your grandchild the majority of the time. Good luck. I wish you and your daughter the best in life.

And OP responded:

I told her that in emergencies (as in, all three of us are occupied urgently for something unforeseen, like, if they’re both at work/ school and I need to go to the hospital urgently then yes I might ask her to watch the baby until they can get home, nothing different than I’d ask a really close neighbor)

I might ask her for help, but that’s just part of being in a family. Trips to the store to get diapers of course not, and Maddy and the boyfriend know that.