'AITA for lying to my wife's friends after an argument?'
"AITA for lying to my wife's friends after an argument?"
My wife (39F) and I (40M) have been married for 8 years and have a 4-year-old son. We both work full time have a good handle on household duties and expectations. My wife has been really busy at her job the past 6 weeks or so.
Her job does a lot of seasonal work and this time of the year is among their busiest. They have a lot of seasonal workers they hire to help, and they held a party/happy hour for them last week.
The week before the party, my wife was at a work conference for 4 days while I was holding down the home front. The day of the party, she told me that she would only stay until 6-7 so that she could be home for our son's bedtime. I went about our normal evening routine with our son and got a text from my wife at about 7:15 telling me that she was just wrapping up and would be home soon.
I put our son to bed and started doing some cleaning and the next thing I know, it's 9pm and my wife isn't home so I text her to see if she's ok. She calls back a few minutes later and tells me she's still talking with people but will be heading home soon. I was a little frustrated and annoyed by this.
When she got home, I told her that I would appreciate a little more communication from her if her plans are going to change like that. She got defensive and told me that I am not supporting her and that she needs to feel like she has the freedom and agency to do social things without me "policing and parenting" her and that she lost track of time.
I told her that 90 minutes is a long time to lose track of and that it takes 20 seconds to send a text. She got mad and went off to bed.
That weekend, she had a few friends over for cocktails. My wife was inside doing something, so I went out to the patio and said hi to her friends. I then asked them if I could get their opinion on a disagreement my wife and I had. I told them the story about my wife's work party but lied and told them that it was me that stayed out without updating my plans.
They started going off on me for not respecting my wife enough to give her an update after 90-minutes and that even though it's important for parents to have social time, I need to recognize that the only way I can do that is by my wife staying home with our son. They all told me I owe my wife an apology and that I need to do better.
In the middle of their admonishment of me, my wife came out and asked what we were talking about. One of her friends said that I had just told them about the party the previous week and they were telling me I need to apologize. My wife looked confused and said, "But I was the one who had the work party."
I was sitting there with a little smirk on my face and my wife got pissed. Her friends did too. Her friends told me I was a jerk for lying to them and tricking them. I asked them if their advice for me still applies to my wife and they all got defensive and tried to change their stories. My wife got upset because I embarrassed her.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
ESH - Look I get how people can lose track of time and it's a very minor incident, but if your partner has a conversation with you about it, not apologising, and trying to minimise and then victim blame is toxic behaviour. Additionally relationships aren't group projects, and involving her friends at any level was inappropriate.
At the same time, them demanding you apologise and then actively bringing it up to the wife, demonstrates they are deeply annoying and toxic people I wouldn't want to have to be around sharing oxygen with.
Info: Is she usually the one handling the majority of child care except for this past 6 weeks? Seems odd to get so upset for having to take care of one week alone. And how often does she have to do it alone? If it's normally mostly her, then it actually is a different situation whether it's you or her in the story. But otherwise, yeah, they're being hypocrites.
whitelieaita OP resonded:
I actually do the majority of the childcare. From April-October, she regularly works late hours into the evenings and on weekends. She will take odd days off during the week to compensate her hours. I went out for a friends 40th birthday party a couple weeks ago and that was the first time I did something social by myself since probably May.
Look, dude, she went out to a happy hour with her coworkers and lost track of time. In the grand scheme of things, that is a relatively minor thing. It’s not like she stayed out until 3am for a wild party. You can afford to let this one go.
INFO. Has your wife involved her friends in this type of argument before and allowed them to gaslit you into a double standard.
If yes, then NTA. And I would inform the wife that her friends advice ( when she goes to vent to them) comes from a misandrist mindset and to be wary or the advice.
If no, then YTA, and your risking your marriage for a "gotcha" moment, and not only that but you have likely damaged your relationship with her friends.
whitelieaita OP responded:
This group of friends gets together about twice a month for these cocktail nights. All they do is gossip and complain about their SOs. So yes, every single one of those women have gone to each other for "advice" or "venting" about this sort of thing.
But have they specifically gaslit you into a double standard (as a group) or Alternatively has your wife come back and said , well my friends think I'm right?
whitelieaita OP responded:
"Alternatively has your wife come back and said , well my friends think I'm right?" Multiple times.
Maybe you should find some friends, because it’s sounding like you don’t have any.
I feel like the wife has some s^%$&y friends. How are they gonna change their story when they found out it was their friend that was in the wrong (at that time).
whitelieaita OP responded:
I will admit, I don't think highly of this group of friends. Vapid, gossipy, materialistic, entitled, etc.
NTA - Quite a few of the comments are proving that this is absolutely a gendered expectation. The real question here is, how do you want your marriage to look moving forward? Because it sounds like marriage counseling is in order.
whitelieaita OP responded:
We already tried counseling. My wife quit after 6 sessions because the therapist "hated women." Our therapist was a woman, by the way.
Sounds like you've got some decisions to make.
OP wanted to be right, he didn’t want to resolve the issue. She definitely should have been more communicative and she should have apologized. But this was a minor issue that, unless she has a habit of doing so, should have been over already.
Involving her friends, even if he was the one that was wrong, was unnecessary and uncalled for. It’s not like he was confiding in his own friends for guidance. He was using hers as a way to “prove” that he was right and he was lying and being a bit manipulative to do so.
Whatever moral high ground OP had originally, he just pissed it all away. And he just dragged on the original argument for no reason.