'AITA for living with my ex-GF's mom after we broke up? Ex cheated and her mom kicked her out.' UPDATED
"AITA for living with my ex-gf's mom after we broke up? Ex cheated and her mom kicked her out and said I could stay."
Hi 22 my ex 22F cheated on me her mom kicked her out. Her mom 43F said I could live in the house forever if I wanted. AITA if I stay? Sorry about the length and grammar here is some backstory I met my EX lets call her Lisa so Its less intense for me. Writing ex is still a lot you know. We met in high school we started dating when we were 13.
It was great her mother liked me and I loved Lisa she was funny, smart and was gorgeous we spent a lot of time at her place, I was so happy back then. I don't have parents so I lived with my grandma but she was more than enough, she was strong, funny in a crude way, lively and a straight up bad a**.
I was 17 when she passed and I moved in with her and her mom. I was devastated, but they were very inviting. My relationship with Lisa grew it was amazing, they helped me through it Lisa was my rock. It was the three of us since until now.
Every day was similar after our HS graduation, her mom would drop Lisa off at University and then her mom lets call her Jen, writing her mom over and over in this rant will be weird. Jen and I would go to work, we work on the same street and then we'd leave at 5pm and go home Lisa would be home by then, then ate dinner together. It was like that for the past two years.
I know for some that sounds boring but I enjoy stability. I was happy and we were saving up money for our own place, a good place. Jen never asked for rent but she always took it because she knows how important it is to me that I contribute. Lisa and Jen were my family I was going to marry Lisa and Jen was my best friend. I know it's weird that my best friend is my ex-gf's mom.
I found out she was cheating on me last month she accidentally sent me a text that was clearly meant for him. I was devastated and started crying it was unbearable, Jen heard me I showed her my phone and she just held me. Lisa came home and instead of apologizing or making an excuse, she said with venom "I have a new and better man pack up" it repeats in my head most days.
Jen snapped there was screaming and swearing Jen ended up telling Lisa she had 30 mins to pack up. I just hid in the office and locked the door I just couldn't handle it I was paralyzed in that one spot, Lisa left about two hours later. Jen held me and said this is your home for as long as you want if you want to move I'll miss you but you'll still be family, if you want you can stay forever.
Being told that really helped me feel safe and took away some of my nerves. Sometime when I wasn't around Lisa and her dad came by to pick her stuff up. Lisa and Jen have had a couple major fights but Jen made it so I happen to never be around for most of them.
Lisa and her friends are giving me a hard time sending hurtful text messages and I just don't know how to deal with that? Lisa has been switching between calling me a loser for living with Jen and asking me for a second chance. I am never getting back together with her, I don't love her anymore.
I have succeeded in avoiding any one on ones with Lisa but I'm eventually going to have to talk to her. Lisa has been living with her dad, he has tried to mediate but that was not accepted by me. Jen's stance is whether I live here or not her daughter is not invited to live at home her actions are disgusting and she needs severe and permanent consequences.
She told me that she stills loves Lisa but not the person she has become. I want to continue to live here for the time being. I sleep in the old office which is now my room and our old room is now the study. It's the only home I've ever had and Jen is my best friend.
A lot of people in my life think I'm responsible for Lisa being kicked out. That's what got me questioning myself did I take her home away? AITA if I continue to live with my ex's mom? Sorry for ranting and my grammar and I left out chunks because I'm still struggling or just missed it. Sorry its so long.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
Crazy4Swayze420 wrote:
NTA. Live with Jen. She views you as her child I'm 99% sure of that, and she basically adopted you when your grandmother passed. She already told you to her you are family and you can stay.
You staying or leaving doesn't change her position on Lisa, so no you didn't take Lisa's home from her. Lisa took her home from herself when she cheated. All you moving out will do is hurt you both you and Jen in the long run. She wants to you stay and your home is with her it sounds like. Seems to me you're over thinking it.
OP responded:
I won't be moving out until it makes sense for me and Jen,we are just starting to find some sort of normality. I think we are both dealing with a lot and having someone in your corner helps. I've lived here for over 5 years this is the first house I've ever lived in so I'm pretty attached.
RedneckDebutante wrote:
NTA Don't disrespect Jen by allowing Lisa to decide who lives in the house. You're family and this is your home. That was Jen's decision. It's not like she's going to welcome Lisa back just because you leave anyway.
OP responded:
I won't but being told something gets to you somehow. I appreciate everything she has ever done for me and I do my best to show it.
Oprah_Pwnfrey wrote:
NTA, stay at Jen's for awhile, she's clearly your Mom now. But most people need to move out of their parents home eventually. Work, save up, get yourself a good place, and you f#$king call her every Wednesday and Sunday after you move out, and have dinner with her as often as you can. When you say goodbye at the end of the phone calls or dinners, you tell her "I love You Mom".
OP responded:
Thank you I will. I plan on living there until I can get a place that I can call my own, I only want to have move once. No matter what I'm going to keep that relationship it means the world to me. Never had a Mom but I think she is.
Two months later, OP shared an update.
Hi I M22 made a post a while ago asking if I was an asshole for living with EX-GF mom after she kicked my ex out. Most of the info is in my first post but to recap my ex-gf 22f I called her Lisa in my last post she cheated on me and then said some cruel stuff and her mom I called her Jen kicked her out.
Her mom Jen said I was welcome to live here for as long as I want. I took the break up hard we were 13 when we started dating and when I was 17 my grandma passed. I went to live with Lisa and Jen and this house has been my home. I loved Lisa with everything I had and Jen had become a mother figure for me.
This was the first house I lived in and I have lived here longer than any other place so I call this place home. Jen choosing to let me stay meant the world to me. After the breakup Lisa and her former friends relentlessly attacked me and blamed me for Lisa being kicked out and it became overwhelming.
Being told that over and over convinced me that I was at fault but writing everything down helped and I received some dm's that helped a lot. Now for the actual update a lot happened, a few days after my post Lisa came by we talked just the two of us for the first time since she was kicked out.
She started off by apologizing but immediately tried shift blame on me and then her mom. Then asked if she could have a second chance, I said no and then she asked if I was sleeping with her mom I said no that she is the only person I have ever been intimate with and that Jen was basically my mom.
Then she said so you're still in love with me a smugness that drove me insane. I remember exactly what I told her "I don't love you the second I found out you cheated on me it disappeared and that I would rather drink 3 litres of elephant piss everyday for the rest of my life before I would get back together with her."
She slapped me and then went to the backyard and had it out with Jen. She said some of the most vial things I've ever heard in my life and I won't write it down and I definitely won't speak it to her mom it was disturbing. Then Jen in a very calm voice said that she was no longer her daughter and told her she was trespassing and to get out Lisa looked shocked and than stormed off.
The second Lisa left Jen had a meltdown it lasted hours I was pissed off at Lisa. She confided in me that she hates her daughter now and doesn't want a relationship with her anymore. She started going to therapy and told me around 2 weeks ago that she is disowning Lisa and it's what's best for her mental health. That her therapist said she can still love her daughter and not want anything to do with her.
I've been supporting her the best I can, I like being helpful. Lisa made less and less attempts to contact me, she is living with her dad. Five days ago I got a text from Lisa's best friend lets call her Kate she was one of a few of Lisa's friends who didn't harass me and actually "picked me" in the breakup. We've talked a few times since the breakup to console me.
She asked if she could come by with some of Lisa's friends so they can apologize I was apprehensive but this woman is a straight shooter and I was curious. So they came by and Kate said thank you for letting them come over. Then the other three woman each took turns apologizing to me than they apologized to Jen for everything than dropped a bomb.
They didn't know she was cheating apparently Lisa has been telling people that she only cheated because I was sleeping with her mom and that's why she was kicked out. I asked why they thought I would ever do something like that and why are they apologizing now.
They said it was easier to think I was a cheater than their best friend was a "lying c*nt" (there word not mine). They told me they had cut her out, I must have looked like I didn't believe them so they all showed me their text messages to Lisa and there social media. It seemed really important to them that I believe them and yeah they definitely did.
They were not gentle about it to say the least. I accepted their apology mostly. They all left but Kate, Kate and Jen went to the backyard I don't know what they talked about but they were both smiling when they came back. I thanked Kate for setting them straight and being on my side through out the break up. She said she was just following her moral compass.
I'm doing much better now and I don't plan on moving out until the time is right for Jen and me. Jen has become my best friend and we support each other. I have a routine I follow that really helps also I started sleeping better. I mostly just wrote this because it helps me clear my mind. I skipped a lot and sorry for my spelling.
The internet continued to share their thoughts.
HUNGWHITEBOI25 wrote:
Op, can i just say how happy i am that you actually called the friends out?
“Oh we thought that you were sleeping with her mom and got her kicked out”
“…and why would you believe that…?”
Seriously more people on this sub need to do that. You did nothing wrong bud, good luck.
FlorallQueen wrote:
Right?? That moment was so satisfying. OP handled it with way more calm than most people would. Calling them out without losing it took strength and they needed to hear how ridiculous they sounded.
OP responded:
All I did was talk to them and ask questions. Kate's the one who made them see that Lisa was lying and Jen kept me grounded and calm. I won't lie I was pissed that they thought that I was a cheater these woman know me.
BeautifulTerm3753 wrote:
Lisa sounds unhinged. Destroying everything and everyone in her path. Good riddance to her. Glad you have been vindicated and they all got to see her for who she is!
OP responded:
When she cheated and was so cruel it destroyed me than friends started harassing me it was overwhelming. Now it feels like it's getting better I still have trust issues though.
estrellaente wrote:
I hope you save well for jen's care, you know, she just sentenced her relationship with her daughter for you, I hope you at least respond well to her needs, and don't leave her when you have no benefits from her.
OP responded:
I won't move out until it's best for the both of us. But I won't leave her she's always going to be in my life we work together and she is my best friend.