'Long-distance girlfriend has close male friend who likes her, I'm wondering what to do.' MAJOR UPDATE

"Long-distance girlfriend [28F] has close male friend who likes her, I'm [28M] wondering what to do."

My girlfriend is righteous, fair, and caring to the extreme. She wouldn't hurt a fly. Case in point, I once killed an ant that was on the table and she actually cried, with real tears. Because she cares, and because she can't see any being, no matter which one, be in pain.

Now, on to my issue: we're in a long distance relationship, and there's this guy at her work that is really, desperately in love with her in my opinion. It started out as them becoming running partners while she was preparing for a marathon. They run together 3 times a week, before work. And long runs at that, sometimes 20-30k. They talk a lot during those and got to know each other.

Then they hang out at work. They eat together and talk more. They are both kind of foodies (actually that's one of the special things between me and her), so they exchange things they cooked, for example jam in exchange for honey, homemade bread, things like that.

Then sometimes they go to parties together, though as far as I know, he's invited her a couple of times and she's always declined to go to a party just with him. If they are at a party together, it's because it's a group thing and they belong to the same group of people. Anyway, they go to parties and I think they hang out nicely there too.

Lastly, although she declines to go party one on one with him, they do hang out together on Sunday afternoons and the like.

So, I'm 100% sure that this guy is super into her. He does everything he can to hang out with her. Now on to her side.

She wouldn't hurt me. I was wondering for a while whether she was capable of cheating behind my back and not telling me -- in other words, her version of "not hurting me". But I'm pretty sure that's not an option, because:

We see each other often, every 2 weeks, and it's miraculously amazing every single time. Mind blowing. Never seen such synergy in any couple. Everything: the conversation, the love, the activities we do, the sex, absolutely everything.

We talk on the phone all the time. Every single evening. There's literally no available time in which she could actually cheat on me - unless they meet from 4am to 6am or something ridiculous like that.

She's pretty blunt. I don't think she would hide something like that. She's not the type to be afraid to break up. I think if she felt like it she'd just do it, because it would feel "right".

Having said all this, I don't know what to do.

Just like I'm 100% sure that the guy would love to be in a couple with her, I think she is also not indifferent and she would definitely go for it if she weren't with me.

They're a pretty good match, they have similar backgrounds, more similar than her and I, they work at the same place and like hanging out at the same spots, they speak the same language (whereas with me she has to speak in English - none of us are native).

He's a cool guy, young, smart, sportsy, he's got a lot going for him. It's a funny situation: on the one hand, it's super awesome to have a girl that's so true to you. I'm really sure she's not cheating.

That's not the problem here. On the other hand, I'm also pretty damn sure that if we weren't together, she'd be with that guy. It would just make absolutely no sense to not be with him. So the question is, is that an OK situation? Could one see it as her just keeping the guy as a backup in case we break up, and is that an OK thing to do?

Is it an indication that I'm not showing her enough proof of my affection, and she believes there's a possibility of breakup? Alternatively, she's somewhat naive about many things. Is it actually possible that she doesn't notice anything, that she really thinks they're just friends and he has no special intentions?

On the possibility that she's afraid of a breakup and keeps him a backup, unfortunately I can't go much further with our current situation to give her a promise of security: we're long distance so I wouldn't do anything crazy like proposing to her when we've never lived together.

I guess the only reasonable thing I could do is quit my job and move to her city, but I love my job so much and I'm doing so well at it that it would be really hard for me to do that. Note that for the eventual plan, when we'd move in together, we would go to a city where I can keep working for the same company.

There are many such cities, but sadly the one she lives in is not one of those where we have an office. I almost feel bad because they'd be such a great couple - I feel like I should just make it easy for her and let her be with that guy, be done with the long distance, let them be married in their city and have a happy life together.

With me, we have another 1-2 years of long distance to get through, and then we'd probably have to both move to another city to be together... We've talked a lot about it, we're both okay with that plan, we both can't wait to move in together, but when you take a step back it would just make so much more sense for them to be together instead.

I guess sometimes love does strange things. I don't know if I should bring this up to her at all, as I said, nothing bad is actually happening at the moment. I just want to avoid that in 1 year she suddenly has a change of heart and goes with him, and we all realize we lost 1 year of our lives.

And frankly if that happens the two of them would still be fine, but the biggest loser would be me, since I'd be all alone and I'd have to start everything over. The stupidest part is that this wouldn't be a question at all if we lived in the same city, because then she'd obviously spend all her time with me and she wouldn't have this enormous amount of time spent with this other guy.

I don't know what to do. I'm happy with her, and she's happy with me. I just don't want to wake up one day and realize it was all a waste. I'm in my prime years now, I won't be anymore in 2-3 years.

Edit: maybe a reasonable thing to do would be to talk to the guy? There aren't many opportunities for me to do so, but he might be at a "gathering" that we're going to attend next weekend (sorry, don't wanna give too many details).

TL;DR: long-distance girlfriend has male friend who's really into her and they spend lots of time together. She's not cheating physically, but what's the best thing to do?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Trala_la_la wrote:

I think the problem here is the vast amount of time she is spending one on one with a guy that isn't you. Even those these aren't official dates she has been effectively dating this guy for a long while. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable with that. I would just sit her down and discuss it.

relationshipunguru wrote:

May I ask why you think this is not a form of cheating ? In my (male) mind, I consider this a kind of emotional cheating. It astounds me that many women can easily consider getting emotional support from men who are just friends (or atleast that's what they would have us believe). All men I know consider this kind of emotional intimacy, love and s#x to go hand-in-hand, as in a relationship.

Personally, I feel that your gf is filling a void and probably is waiting for you to do something about it: either breakup or close the distance. You seem to be leaning toward the former. Either way, you need to make the move if you want peace of mind.

Trala_la_la wrote:

I wouldn't talk to the guy. But I would talk to your girlfriend about setting a few more boundaries. I personally would feel like this "friendship" had passed into the relationship zone a long time ago. You are effectively begin cuckolded by this guy, he's dating your gf and you know he is, and you let your girlfriend continue dating him.

Five years later, OP shared an update.

TL;DR: 5 years ago, my girlfriend was really close with this guy. It made me feel terrible. I brought it up with her and here's what happened.

I brought up the topic and she was super cool about it. She was surprised and she said that it was just friendship on her side. However, she went up to the guy and asked him if he saw things the same way. He said he didn't -- he was actually into her. So, she told him that she's with me and that they need to stop hanging out.

It was never an issue after that -- we still met him at a few parties, but it didn't make me feel bad at all. Reading the old post made me smile. It felt like a big issue back then, but she solved it so swiftly. I'm really thankful to her! We've had the most wonderful relationship since then (and even before then).

We're 33-years-old now and still going strong together. We moved in together a couple of years ago and it's been amazing living together, traveling together, being together all the time. She's still so sweet, I love her with the bottom of my heart, and it's obvious she loves me too. You never know how these things will turn out, but ours is a story to fill your hearts with hope and love!

The internet was happy to hear the update.

CockDaddyKaren wrote:

I love getting an update and realizing the original post is from 5 years ago. Your GF did such a wonderful job resolving the issue. Congratulations to you both, you sound like lovely people, both of you :)

bettyboo5 wrote:

I've just read the old post and I thought it's totally friendship from her side but not his. I've had friendships that were most definitely friendship from my side but not the men. They were just using the "friendship" to get in my knickers.

I always had male friends but stopped because it was too much trouble/drama and it was always twisted into being the bad guy. So glad you got things sorted by just speaking to her about it. Followed by her having a conversation. Lovely to hear you still together and very much in love

femmebot9000 wrote:

I feel like it’s really interesting to note that someone in the original comment section called what was going on emotionally cheating basically because the friend was a platonic support system for her.

That’s not what emotional cheating is, otherwise my bisexual self would be constantly ‘cheating’ on my husband because every single one of my friends is a ‘potential romantic interest’. Friends provide support, emotional support. The idea that you can only receive emotional support from your spouse or partner is incredibly hard to live with.

We are social beings and if the only person you can lean on is your spouse that really limits options if you’re going through a time when your spouse needs to lean on you and it would be unfair to lean back. Look up the ring circle of venting if you don’t know what kind of situation would call for this.

Essentially, we all need friends. It sucks that OPs GF had found a friend with an ulterior motive but we should all be open to the idea that friends do come in all shapes and sizes and are incredibly valuable for us. Your spouse cannot be expected to always provide the brunt of emotional support one may need. It’s unfair and unrealistic.

HilariousInHindsight wrote:

Absolutely amazing to see one of these posts end the right way. She didn't call you insecure, controlling, etc. She heard you out, asked the guy and actually ended the friendship when she realized it wasn't healthy for your relationship.

After seeing people rake various OPs over the coals for having concerns about their partners friends over the years, people refuse to cut friends off who have feelings for them, etcetc it's so refreshing that you guys communicated and handled this the way two adults who love each other should.