'AITA for telling my long lost sister the truth of her parentage?'
"AITA for telling my long lost sister the truth of her parentage?"
Any_Classic_6740
I (24f) Have lived with my father my whole life. In my dad’s younger single days used to have a taste for married women. All of his children have been conceived with married women, including myself.
My half brother found out the man who raised him was not his biological father after he died of a heart attack. He met our father when he was 18. I of course grew up with him so I never doubted he was my biological father.
When I was in my teens, i noticed my father had many pictures of a young girl on his phone and thought it was very weird. I pressured and asked and bothered him for months and he never confessed… Until 2021.
We went on a trip to San Francisco to see my half brother who came to visit from Texas, which was about a 4 hour drive from home. So finally after years of asking, a few hours of pestering and him having no where to go finally made him crack. The girl I’ve seen pictures of on his phone is my half sister I never knew about. The biggest secret, all apparently for her sake.
Her mom was obviously married, “happily” apparently. So, when my sister was born, she proclaimed her daughter was legitimate and my father had no say. She lied about her daughter’s parentage and had 2 more ACTUALLY legitimate children afterwards. They then moved away and lived happily ever after.
I don’t know if my father ever got the chance to hold her when she was a child. And I never got to know my sister. And when I found out, I was told I could never say anything.
I could NOT topple the sham marriage her mother had so that my sister could know the truth. I could NEVER speak to my flesh and blood for the remainder of my life. It would ruin her family if I did.
Years passed, and I debated. I wanted to speak to her, I wanted to know her. I had her as a friend on facebook for years since before I knew who she was and it never seemed to be used. She never posted anything.
So 4 months ago, I made the choice to say something, thinking her facebook to be absolutely dead. I thought to myself there was a 90% she would never see it. Yesterday, she opened it. She did not respond.
Her sister did, and refused. She said that I was lying, there was absolutely no way. Her mother would NEVER do that, I must be mistaken. I showed her the proof I had, I offered to buy two 23 & me tests, a $300 investment. For myself and for her if she wanted to know, and if they refused I would leave them alone.
But I can’t shake this guilty feeling that I made a mistake. That I toppled a whole family because of the truth. So am I the ahole for opening my mouth? Should I have gone my whole life never speaking to the sister I never knew and wanted to know? Or is it a bit of both?
Edit: Just to clarify some things people are pointing out as inconsistencies:
Her name and birth date are in my father’s main use email address, that’s how I found out her name. As for the pictures, she was his phone background.
No real snooping aside deduction. I looked up her name on facebook while I was a teen trying to figure out who she was. She accepted, I’m assuming because I have a real account from her previous home town and we were around the same age.
Pictures were originally obtained from my stepmom who had a mutual friend with my half sister’s mom on facebook. That’s how he had them. She is 26, no longer a child. And she has a college degree.
Her mom cheated and my father is certain she is hers because at one point when she was ten years old, my stepmom had a mutual friend still in contact with half-sister’s mom and provided her address.
Dad went to their house a state away, which of course was very weird to them. Half-sister’s mom accepted giving my dad a piece of her hair and so that he would leave them alone after that. Dad DNA tested & came out 100% “You are the father”.
My dad is yes, a homewrecker. But not a deadbeat. He kept contact with my brother’s mom, (not romantically, I might add) before my brother knew he was his father. Anything she asked of him for his son he would provide.
If my sister’s mother asked him for anything regarding his child he would have done anything for her. But she decided to keep everything a secret and sever all contact with him.
Separate note: Yes, I was selfish. Yes I didn’t think things through. If she never speaks to me I would accept that. I know my dad did what he thought was the right thing in letting her live without him.
But a father will always love his children even if he can never know them. My dad is getting old. And he’s mentioned before that he would love to see her at least once before he dies, maybe have one conversation. Maybe go to a store she works at and buy something. In a way, I tried to hopefully have her speak to him at least once and instead ruined it all.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
aemondstareye
You are the ahole.
"I don’t know if my father ever got the chance to hold her when she was a child. And i never got to know my sister."
Your dad is the biggest AH in the story, so whether or not he got to "hold his child" should not be bothering anyone here. And this is not your sister. This is your biological half-sister. You are no more entwined than children conceived from the same sperm donor. You have no right to her time or to a relationship with her.
"I could NOT topple the sham marriage her mother had"
You seem to fundamentally overestimate your own import in this entire situation. You are dealing in the private life of a complete and total stranger. You have no idea if this is a "sham" marriage.
Aside from the fact that plenty of couples rise above infidelity, for all you know, the "sham" father could be well aware he's not her bio dad, and have made a conscious decision with his wife to omit that very difficult information from her life.
Finally, whatever mistakes these adults made is not the fault of, nor does it need to adversely affect, the child. Other than being the son of the homewrecker who caused this, you have nothing to do with any of these people.
"I wanted to speak to her, I wanted to know her."
Finally, the crux of this: This entire story is about you, and your inability to reconcile that getting what you want will come at extraordinary and irrevocable cost to a complete and total stranger.
You are aware she was conceived under deeply shameful pretenses that she will not benefit from knowing, and that both of her biological parents have chosen not to share. That information will deeply adversely affect an innocent party.
You want people on this sub to tell you that your desire is more important than her fundamental happiness and peace of mind and parental relationships and sense of security. It very much is not.
"So am I the ahole for opening my mouth? Should I have gone my whole life never speaking to the sister I never knew and wanted to know?"
Yes. You should. YTA.
MajorMinus-
Pretty sure the mom of his half sister is the biggest asshole. She cheated, got pregnant, and hid it for 20 years. Next would be the father (not sure if he cheated on anyone or if he was just trying to get laid) Next would be OP for no minding his fucking business. Mom, Dad, then OP. Final answer.
aemondstareye
"and hid it for 20 years."
Sure, but you have no idea whether she hid it from her husband or not. Hiding it from her child is a very different issue with a very different set of moral quandaries.
And for what it's worth, I think you're underestimating the immorality of serially banging married people. And as far as the "got pregnant" part goes—well. Both parties can use birth control. Sneaking raw... Tweedledee and Tweedledum, lol.
KronkLaSworda
" I had her as a friend on facebook for years since before I knew who she was "
Your story, while difficult to believe at first, just lost all credibility. YTA.
jrm1102
YTA - this wasnt your choice to make. Had you been sought out, I couldnt fault you for being honest. But you did this because you wanted a connection with her. Thats a selfish reason.
IsabellaGlitz
You crossed a line by disregarding the potential emotional harm your actions would cause. The truth, while important, isn't always a justification for hurting others. You should have found a more empathetic and tactful way to approach the situation. You not only damaged your relationship with your sister but also with her family.
Your actions have consequences, and in this case, you've caused distress to multiple people. YTA for failing to consider the full impact of your choices and instead prioritizing your own needs.
You've thrown your sister's family into turmoil and potentially destroyed her sense of identity. You must now face the repercussions of your actions and work to make amends, understanding that forgiveness may not come easily or at all.