'AITA for losing empathy for my postpartum wife?' 'It’s not possible for me to be sleep deprived.'

"AITA for losing empathy for my postpartum wife after she insulted me?"

My wife is 2 months postpartum. We’ve been together for 6 years nearly. I didn’t get a paternity leave and I am a shift worker, which means I have to make as many shifts as I can in order to support my family, as my wife isn’t working, she was laid off when she was 4 months pregnant (awful employer).

She never was able to find another job because employers didn’t want to hire someone who’d take a maternity leave later on. My work is very physically demanding and I often need to recover, and I know this is nothing compared to what my wife is going through but that doesn’t mean my regular problems end or don’t need to be dealt with just because she gave birth.

Her mom has been staying with us to support her recovery and help with night feeds for our baby. Because of my job, it’s not possible for me to be sleep deprived - we tried that initially but I was written up at work next day. This has caused some unjustifiable resentment from my wife despite the fact she knows my situation.

We often fight over this as I can’t attend to my parental duties because I desperately need to put money on the table which my wife can’t right now. I am under so much stress and don’t know who else to talk to as my wife’s problems are somehow always bigger. It’s like I’m not allowed to be human or express how I’m feeling at all. And I’ve begun to resent her too.

One evening when I came home from work, I had an injury on my arm and was worried about getting tetanus. I called a friend asking for advice while my wife overheard me and said something snarky. Telling me I’m useless because she has to rely on her mom right now when I should’ve been there.

I really feel like I’ve run out of empathy for this person and don’t feel like I can feel safe or validated around her. So I sincerely asked: “Do you like saying that? Does that make you feel good to call your partner 'useless?' What a shame, I would never say something like that to you even though you aren’t helping our family financially at all even though you’re supposed to."

I didn’t raise my voice, or had an irritated tone. This was mostly out of curiosity and how hurt I was. She started crying and saying sorry probably because I could sense I triggered guilt in her, but I didn’t comfort her or reassure her of my love because I didn’t want to. If she felt bad, she probably needed to.

So I let her cry. I simply said that I will disengage from her next time she says something hurtful to me and won’t allow myself to be spoken to that way again. I was polite but very firm on what my position was on this.

We haven’t really spoken much and I’ve been sleeping away from her because I can’t stand to be near her. She asked me to come to bed but I just think I needed space. Now she texts me that she really hated the fact that I “put her on spot” with my line of questioning.

And how I should not do that. I said that if my questions made her uncomfortable, it was a sign she needs to do some self-reflection and become a better partner to me. Was I too harsh?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Sufficient-Isopod-33 said:

NTA at all, but I think both of you could use a day together while grandma is babysitting. You probably need to reconnect, have some empathy to each other and let the resentment go. Your situation isn't easy, congrats for trying your best to provide for your family, but I can see why she could be frustrated too. Take care of each other, maybe update later?

Stunningbela said:

NTA. You're both going through a tough time, and tensions are high. Your wife's comment was hurtful, but your response may have felt like an attack to her, which could have intensified the conflict.

While your feelings of resentment are valid, it’s important to communicate openly and listen to each other. Taking space is fine, but eventually, you should discuss your feelings together to foster understanding and support.

Proud_Fee_1542 said:

ESH. Your wife is wrong for belittling you for not being home. You’re making sacrifices for your family and she’s not recognising that. You’re also wrong for belittling your wife for not bringing in money because even if she did have a job, she can’t work because you’re never there.

Who do you think is supposed to look after the newborn baby if you’re both at work? Do you expect a family member to give up their life until the kid goes to school for free childcare? Or do you want to start paying for childcare? Because childcare is expensive so the extra money from your wife working with go straight to that.

SignificantOrange139 said:

NTA. But you could become one depending on how long you let this go on. This stage is hard. You're both exhausted. She was wrong to call you useless. You two can push through it and come out stronger - or you can grow to hate each other, tit for tatting in this stupid way.

She needs to learn to stop taking her resentment of the situation out on you. And frankly, I think if you can so easily throw away all empathy for your wife, who fairly resents the situation you both are stuck in, over one bad moment - then maybe you're not so great either pal.

lovelypuffgirl said:

NTA, you are doing your best to support your family and it's unfair for your wife to expect you to always be there despite your demanding job. It's important for both partners to support and communicate with each other during difficult times, not tear each other down. Your response was completely valid and justified.

Capric0rpse- said:

NTA. The newborn stage is hard. It’s hard for both parents- and in your case, in different ways. You’re being a provider and she the caretaker. At the end of the day you two have to be on the same page.

Resentment has no space here. I can understand her frustration and I absolutely see your point of view. It gets easier. You two just have to ride out the newborn storm. Once she’s able to help financially again, you won’t have such a burden to work constantly, and you both will be able to care for your child together equally.

dekage55 said:

ESH Yes, you work a physically demanding job, working lots of shifts, outside the home. Your wife has a physically demanding job inside the home but has no “shifts," no off time.

Guess what, you both decided to have a child. You both need to accept you have a new normal. You both need to step back & realize that having a child means adjusting to what your life is now. Stop thinking about what was. Both need to accept what is now.

Seductiveebela said:

NTA. You're in a tough situation, and it's understandable that her comment hurt you. However, your response might have felt confrontational, given her postpartum emotions. Instead of questioning her in a way that put her on the defensive, consider expressing how her words affected you more gently.

Open communication is crucial, so taking some time apart could help. When you're ready, discuss your feelings while emphasizing empathy for each other during this challenging time. Both of you need support right now.