My ex wife and I had 4 kids together (20F, 19M/F twins, 17M) before she left ten years ago. She packed a suitcase, left a note, and essentially vanished. She was meant to pick our kids up from school, but didn't. I was unreachable, and the kids were left for hours. They have suffered massive trauma as a result. My kids are in therapy, I am in therapy.
I remarried, and my husband has become a wonderful parent to my children, as well as our 4yr old girl. For the past 10 years, I have had no contact with my ex wife and have had little to no information as to her whereabouts. (Edit: I am male (he/him). I did not know I was bisexual until after my ex had left and I met my husband.)
In January, she reached out to let me know she was moving back to our province. She apologized for leaving, explained she was "overwhelmed", and wanted to coparent with me and develop a relationship with the kids. Since then, we have been working with professionals to help my children get to know their mother again.
We have strict rules about this. They are all written down, with a copy given to myself, her, all 4 of our children, my husband, etc.. They are extensive and intense. She is on her last strike. My children are (almost) adults and I know that, but they asked me to serve as an intermediary in this relationship to protect them, and we drafted these rules together, as a family. They are always in control here.
A few days ago, I was the only one home and she came by with a little girl, asking to see the kids. I told her they were out, and reminded her that my husband and I asked for advanced notice before a visit and that we didn't want anyone but her to be at these visits. She told me she had been "hiding" from the kids, and was not "unveiling her true life."
9 years ago, she and her boyfriend had a kid, and that's the one on my doorstep, who she wants to introduce to my children. I asked her, politely, to please go home. She refused. I insisted she leave, so I could speak with my lawyer, the children's therapist, and my husband, as well as do some research and prepare the kids. I promised her I would call her when she could come by.
She refused. I asked her to please send her daughter to the car, at the very least. She refused. Again, I told her to leave and that I would contact her that night. She wouldn't go. I told her she can't blindside the kids, and she told me I can't deny her a relationship with them. I lost my temper. I shouted at her, saying that if she wanted a relationship with them, she should've kept the one she had ten years ago.
Her daughter began to cry, she began to cry, and she left. I decided to wait to tell my kids, but let my husband know. He was furious, both at my ex and at me. He told me that I should never have shouted in front of the child like that, and I should've just been calm and called the police.
He was so mad that he slept in the guest room and has been chilly with me. I don't want to tell our kids about this without him, and I want to know if I really was wrong for it. AITA for shouting at my ex in front of her young daughter?
tishfanclub said:
NTA. I agree you shouldn't have yelled, but not sure having a police officer come over to escort them away would have been less upsetting for her daughter. Your ex-wife is the one truly at fault here for continuously ignoring both the terms of your agreement and your warnings.
outloud230 said:
NTA. You weren’t upsetting her child, she was using her child as a prop to force your compliance, that child should never have been in that situation to begin with. Yelling wasn’t ideal but you didn’t have any good options as calling police would have been even more traumatic. You were protecting your kids, your ex was supposed to protect hers and seems to be failing all around.
Amara313 said:
Info. Why was your husband so upset about this that he slept in another room? I feel like there is more going on here.
OP responds:
He's a social worker and very sensitive to children's issues. He also does not like my ex whatsoever and I think the entire situation was stressing him out.
PresidentBiscotti said:
NTA. I agree that yelling in front of a kid is not ideal, but it'll ultimately leave waaaaay less trauma that if she'd seen her mother be escorted by the police.
tealgirl94 said:
NTA. Your ex was crossing boundaries that were set up in place by bringing an outsider to meet your kids. You were acting in their best interests given that they were traumatized and in therapy because of your ex's abandonment, and she thinks she's entitled to meet them whenever with whoever she thinks is convenient, even if said outsider is a kid? The entitlement.
Also, I can get why your husband reacted the way he did given his field of work and a child being involved, but he also should understand the context of the situation. While the child has no fault for existing, she might be a reminder of their mother's abandonment, and this umprompted meeting might trigger some of those very unwanted emotions and take away years of therapy.
This is something you and your husband should take about in detail, and hopefully he'll understand. BUT I also think he's an AH because he's focusing on his feelings on a situation that is not about him and not supporting you and your decisions when you're just protecting your children.
Your ex refusing to leave after being told several times to was just the cherry of the cake. Her irresponsibility and insensitivity towards your childrens' feelings might be the last strike, but that's on you to consider.
Anyways, you aren't an AH for protecting your kids, your ex is an AH for being a selfish absent parent that suddenly wants to force herself into her adult childrens' lives and making it worse by bringing a kid she's actually taking care of and not neglecting unlike her other children—
which could very possibly take back progress they've made in therapy- , and your husband is kind of an AH for focusing on his feelings when the situation is not about him at all.
And OP responded:
You really, really hit the nail on the end about what I've been feeling about this entire situation. My kids have felt so much responsibility for her absence over the years that I can't imagine showing them a child who has experienced nearly a decade of the love that they've missed out on and saying, "Kids, this is the child that Mom chose to love instead of you."
Especially because she has put so much blame for her leaving on the children and how being a mother overwhelmed her. My eldest suffered a lot of guilt after my ex left. Admittedly, she was a bit of a fussy, sensitive child, but I loved her all the same. She would just pick apart anything she had ever done "wrong" to justify my ex leaving.
There was a period of time where if I got upset with her, she would follow me around for a few hours to be sure I wasn't leaving her. The first and only time she's ever been grounded, I was so livid that I had to step outside for a minute and she had a complete breakdown.
I can't imagine just looking her in the eye and telling her that her mother has a new child, that her mother has been there for this child when she has been absent for my daughter. It makes me physically hurt to think about.
I got the chance to talk with my husband after supper, and I'm grateful we did. We have always had a family rule that we do not yell. Not at each other, not at the kids, not at anybody who comes onto our property, and I violated that. I explained to him that I felt really pinned in the situation and I acted impulsively, and I wish I would've handled things differently.
I was worried that the kids would come home and see her on the doorstep and things would escalate. I apologized to him, and he forgave me. He apologized to me for being harsh, and basically just said he's been really stressed out and this has made things so much more intense. He understood that there were limited options, and all of them were pretty bad.
We decided to break the news to the kids tomorrow. I can't imagine how hurt they'll be, but after an emergency phone call to their therapist, we cannot, in good conscience, leave this any longer than we have. Tonight is going to be spent gathering up resources and preparing, but I am so grateful to everybody here for providing such support and guidance.
Nobody here had to offer their help, and yet, you all did. Husband and I are deeply touched. Thank you. We hope to give you guys a good update soon enough.