'AITA for losing it at my husband on the day of his family reunion?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for losing it at my husband on the day of his family reunion?"
I’m a 35 y.o f married to a 38 y.o. Man. We have been together for 10 years and have 2 children 9 and 5. My husband works very hard he has multiple jobs he works throughout the week. Recently we had a discussion about taking time off and spending some time together. It is difficult because of things in his past he accumulated a lot of debt which is why he works so much.
I work 60+hrs a week and take care of the household and childcare things while much of his income goes to paying his debts. I keep up with the household I do the house work, and lawn work, repairs etc and he contributes where he can.
With in this year he has taken time off for family and co-worker events. He has scheduled time to take trips with his friends, and when he does so I’m the designated baby sitter.
Many days after he gets home he is responsible for his parents. He takes them grocery shopping fixes things at their household and does some of their housework. I forgot to mention he is one of 5 and all 4 siblings live close to his parental home. His parents assist in child care for his siblings but not for ours.
I’ve told him my frustrations of being consistently placed on the back burner. The other day I lost it, I found out he invited his family to our house for a family reunion last week. I thought he took time off of work and he didn’t. The house was a mess, and most of the mess is his. I was expected to clean the house, get the groceries, run the kids to their weekend events.
I start cooking and get the reunion set up as he set the time for 4pm the time he gets out of work. The kids are helpful in doing their chores and cleaning their rooms. I got the house clean and by the time his family started pouring in I was stewing as he was at work. He asked me why there weren’t any clean towels as he was going to take a shower and I freaked out in front of his whole family.
I ran down the list of how I am always on the back burner for “these people” how I am one person and I’m the one contributing to the household while he works just to pay off his debts, how I have no security or support in this relationship and that he is like having another child and that all I feel like I’m worth is an occasional f^%$ whenever he is in the mood. I let it all out.
I ended with "I'm done." I packed a bag and I took off. I’m sat in a parking lot hysterical. And no, the kids weren’t present they were outside playing. He is a good father to the kids but as a husband I feel like I am better off by myself. I have so much resentment towards him.
And no he hasn’t called he texted me “loud and clear” which made me even more angry because THIS IS EXACTLY HOW HE DEALS WITH EVERYTHING! I’m now feeling like an a&^%ole for going off and saying all I did especially in front of his family. AITA?
OP posted this update the next day:
Update wow oh wow! Thank you all for all the advice, the kind words and some kick in the pants type of support. I came here to see if I was the a&^%$le and was body slammed with a lot of harsh truths. I’m not going to lie, much of it was cathartic to hear that I’m not the asshole and it hurts to hear that I am being taken advantage of. So, here’s where I’m at.
After the “loud and clear” text I was bombarded with phone calls and texts from his family. I sent a message to my husband to give me some space and if he had any care for me and this relationship to call off his dogs. I put my phone on do not disturb with the exception of my children’s ipad.
I had called my mother, sent her some money and she picked them up for a special grandma date/sleep over. Once they were there I face timed them and told them I was working. I’m not working.
I had a secret rainy day fund and splurged on a nice hotel and spa day, had a few drink, cried my eyes out some more and just spent the day unplugged and journaled all my feelings. (I haven’t had time to do any of that in a very long time). After that I mustered up the courage to open my post and read my fate and wow was I surprised! I was fully expecting a ton of “you ARE the a^%$#le” comments.
To clear up a few things. I shamefully do not know the lengths of his debts, much of it was from his parents putting bills in his name, others is just mismanagement of money credit cards etc. I took over the finances after I found a letter in the mail saying that we were going to lose the house.
I was contributing to the household bills at the time and he was doing the finances. I trusted things were well. This was after marriage and after kids. We went to counseling because of it and he said he was ashamed and afraid to tell me the truth.
I took over about 3 years ago and I told him to focus on clearing his debt and I’d hold the household down while he did. I did not expect it to take this long and with inflation everything has just become more expensive and that much more hard for me.
I was supposed to go back to school and that was put on hold so I could catch up on what we were behind, hence the working 60+ hours. Im a nurse and I work 12hr shifts and capitalize on overtime where I can. I agree with the comment saying im burnt out, I realized this today. I realized at work or at home im constantly in critical thinking care giver mode.
My job is to care and problem solve for everyone but myself. To clear up the comment of his family doesn’t watch our kids is because they did so one time and threw it in our faces and I said never again.
I see how they use him, I have said something before and he returns with “one day they won’t be here and I’ll wish I could have done more.” I told him that’s fine but you have siblings that are equally responsible, some that don’t have spouses or kids that can contribute.
As far as the house and things go he does really help when he can (don’t jump on me I just want to be truthful) I think it came across that he comes home and does nothing, he just works up to 16 hours 7 days a week so a lot of times it’s me doing the majority of it.
As far as the trips goes… yeah…. That’s a sore spot…He tells me about them, he takes the day off, it pisses me off. I have to BEG for time and if and when we do get it we end up in a fight or I have to plan everything or we can’t get sitters and sit home and he sleeps all day.
And to be honest I’m so full of resentment that it’s almost too little too late. Like when I’m around him I’m just so pissed off! He says I always have an attitude and that he’s trying but nothing is ever good enough.
So, I just stopped and accepted my fate, hence the blow up. I haven’t spoken to him yet besides telling him to call off his family, he was part of the dnd on my phone. I’m enjoying the peace, I’m enjoying being by myself, and just being present and aware of my feelings. Knowing my kids are safe and I can truly take some time for myself and my mental health right now is everything.
I know tomorrow I have to go back to reality and deal with everything. I promise to update when I can. I’m sorry to leave you all hanging if this isn’t the update you had hoped for. I just want to enjoy this escape a little while longer while I can before my world implodes. Thank you all and please keep the advice coming, I truly am alone on this one and need all the advice and support I can get.
A day after the first update, OP posted this:
Thank you all again for all the advice. I woke up this morning with a clear head. I’m still upset, and disappointed. I had tons of voicemails from his family, I don’t have the energy to listen through them all. I don’t care, like I said I’m angry but I also feel embarrassed.
I did call my husband this morning. I could tell by his voice he didn’t sleep last night and he confirmed that he in fact did not. He told me after the blow up he asked everyone to leave. He was surprised to see my mother as I sent her to pick up the kids. He said that’s when it really became real.
We had a long conversation. I did apologize for exploding and doing so when I did and not communicating better. He said he understands why I felt like I couldn’t and was actually glad it happened the way it did. His family finally got to see how much they affected his home.
According to him, after I left he laid into them and told them that he can no longer be the only one to help his family out and that a lot of the mess he’s in is their fault. He said that after the blow up he told his siblings they need to step up and help with his parents.
His parents were obviously upset with the whole ordeal. I couldn’t care less to be honest. They couldn’t believe that they are “such a burden because they ask for a little help from time to time”. I just rolled my eyes in disgust as he was talking.
My new space along with my feelings of hurt and anger just let me speak all my truths. I had nothing left to give or lose so I told him how I felt about everything. He sat in silence for a while, then finally broke down and said he feels like a failure. He’s ashamed of the debt, and how much he has let us down.
He said he was exhausted and has been feeling depressed because he couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and feels as though he’s ruined our future. That he goes out with his friends to feel “normal and himself” because all he does is work. That he does this because of this black cloud that’s been hanging over him.
I wasn’t my best self in this moment and told him to save me the self pity it’s pathetic. That he got himself into this mess and I’m digging him out. I’m f&^%$g depressed too, there’s a ton of s%$t I want to do that I can’t do because I’m financially unable to do so.
I went off how over the past 3 years his income has gone solely to debt repayment yet there’s no end in sight, because I haven’t even seen the so called debt! I’ve given him my all and as much support as I could gather but I’m angry.
This isn’t the life I pictured or set myself up for either. It’s not the life my kids deserve, Ive missed out on so much because I’m working or I’m cleaning or I’m just so tired I can’t even open my eyes. I told him he has no one to blame but himself.
I think my disdain was concerning. He said he will show and prove, that he will print out his credit report and list out all the debt he has along with all his pay stubs and bank records and the receipts of what’s paid off and whatever else I want as far as his finances are concerned.
He promised me my hard work was not in vain and that he is almost debt free. Come to find out his parents opened credit cards and bills in his name when he was younger and accrued close to 100k of debt in his name, not including interest, they trashed his credit and that’s why it has taken so long.
According to him, he has been fighting with the collection companies to settle, trying to consolidate or get a lower interest as it was multiple companies and debts. What I didn’t know is some were so bad his wages were being garnished. He was in tears and said he didn’t know how to tell me, that he didn’t even know the extent of what they did.
He was basically working all these hours with nothing to take home to us and accruing more debt just to survive. I stayed silent. My blood was boiling. He didn’t even realize he just helped me make my decision.
He jokingly said my outburst took care of the family situation and that is why he texted me “loud and clear” meaning he and they got the message I told him I didn’t find it funny. It’s a shame that it took an outburst from me for everyone to hear what I’ve been saying all along.
That he’s an idiot for not filing charges on his parents and just taking it up the ass and allowing it to ruin my life and the children we created lives. I told him he’s apíñeles and I feel so stupid! He said he didn’t call me because he knew how mad I was and was scared he would say the wrong thing and say things just like that.
I thanked him for the honesty and the conversation and told him I am so broken angry and hurt right now that I can’t even pick up my pieces let alone his. Right now I need to clear my head. He said he’s willing to do whatever it takes to turn this around, he even suggested marriage counseling.
He told me he used his PTO and took the rest of the week off to work on this. I lost it and sobbed uncontrollably. If it was that easy to take time off, why now and not then? I asked him why didn’t I matter before we got here? Why now? I told him he needs the time off to find counseling both personal and legal. That I won’t be coming home.
He asked me if I was serious, he begged me to rethink my decision. He said all the things I’ve been wanting to hear. He asked me where I was going to go, and what about the kids and the house and the bills. That I couldn’t tear the kids from the only home they know. I simply replied I know this is what needs to be done and I’ve already set the ball in motion. He hung up on me.
I cried then went to get the kids. We are going to have a wonderful week in a somewhat fancy hotel and swim in the pool and order room service and make some memories. I took some of the money I had saved in my rainy day fund and extended my hotel stay to include me and the kids. I have an awful lot to catch up on with them.
The look on their faces when I said “no mommy doesn’t have to work tonight was priceless.” I also have an appointment with legal consultants tomorrow. Hopefully I can talk to a lawyer and figure out what’s next. Wish me luck everyone and thanks again.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Sending my man-child ex back to his mother was the best thing I ever did for myself and our kids.
Ma'am, I don't know you but I want you to know... I'm extremely proud of you.
The right thing isn't always the easiest, and it can be scary. But you got a good head and a caring heart to guide you. Now just trust in yourself to get you to your happy ending. It might not feel attainable right now, but one day you'll look back on this hellish situation and the only thing you'll feel is relief at its passing.
You've carried the weight of this mess for so long, that carrying on without it will only be painful until your muscles adjust to the lack of the load. You got this, don't doubt that.
make sure the lawyer knows what the debt situation is and try to get a credit report, make him send you the log in not just a screenshot so you can see his ENTIRE credit history. Show your lawyer which ones you indicted were fraud. 100k would put your kids through university, that's a house down payment! Not to mention interest!
He decided the family he came from is more important than the family he made with you so you're going to put yourself and your kids first now.
Sooooo Tell him to move in with his parents while he pays off his debt. That way he can care for them, hang with his friends, take the kids on the weekends and do whatever he wants to do with no consideration of you.
Then you can enjoy your home children and weekends to relax all with and one less giant child to care for. And then when his debts are paid, you two can sit down and decide if the best course of action is separated lives. NTA
"So, wait – your parents owe you a hundred grand, and you are still helping them out? That if you had your parents arrested, I wouldn't be working sixty hours a week on top of childcare and housekeeping, and you wouldn't be working 80?
That you just let your parents destroy my life and our kids' lives even before you met me? That after you saw how much this hurt us, you still didn't protect yourself and save your family by pursuing charges against your parents?" No wonder she is pissed.