'AITA for losing my mind over my fiancé not helping out while I'm injured?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for losing my mind over my fiancé not helping out while I'm injured?"

So last Tuesday I (23f) injured my neck and shoulder, I can't move my neck, my arm or my shoulder at all without excruciating pain. Its still causing issues a week later. I've been to the doctors and they told me all I can do is rest it, use heat packs and no lifting or strenuous exercise. I'm currently in a sling to keep it stable.

So in light of this I asked my fiancé (23m) for more help around the house (I'm usually the one doing the cleaning and tidying). The main jobs i need help with is the cat litter and laundry as I can't bend down to clean the litter and i cant lift all the laundry.

Our cat has been sick recently so its really important we check his litter and clean it everyday to let our vet know of any issues. I've been trying to do it myself but fiancé keeps telling me to stop and that he'd do it. The problem is that nothing has been done. He had 6 days off work (not a holiday) and promised he'd deal with the stack of household jobs that piled up, nothing got done at all.

No laundry, no cat litter, no tidying. I wasn't trying to nag at him and annoy him so I went to do it myself and he got annoyed and told me to sit down, said that he'd handle it. But he never did. I'm sat here losing my mind cos me trying to do these jobs has made my shoulder worse, and there's nothing to show of it, cos he stopped me doing the jobs.

I think the worst part is that he keeps complaining about the lack of clean laundry as if he didn't say for a week straight that he'd get it done! I have been asking him to do these jobs, especially the cat related ones, but there's always an excuse or "I'll do it later" but its just lead to me doing it anyway and annoying him by doing it myself.

He's at work today so I'm gonna just get this s#$t done, every time I've brought up how I'm frustrated that he keeps saying he'll do these jobs and doesn't do them he says im over reacting and that he'll get it done. AITA? Im gonna do the jobs myself today anyway and hope that my shoulder doesn't get worse. But I just wanna know if I'm over reacting by losing my mind over this.

The internet had lots of thoughts to share.

Intrepid_Parsley_655 wrote:

NTA. I think you need to address it head-on. “I’m really frustrated that you said you would do the laundry and clean the cat litter during x time period, but you’ve yet to do that. The cat litter needs to be cleaned daily - this isn’t something that can wait until another day.

You’ve let me down now by promising to do things multiple times and failing to do so, which makes me stressed and makes me start to trust that you’ll follow through on your word. How can we work together to fix this going forward?”

OP responded:

Thank you! I've tried bringing it up multiple times but it hasn't gotten anywhere, I'll try it head on like you said. I can't keep feeling like this. It's making me feel like if I don't do the job then it won't get done. What happens if something more serious happens to me in the future and I'm bed bound, or if we have kids and it was an emergency surgery situation? Its not exactly reassuring. But thank you for the advice!

damdamoor wrote:

NTA. He promised and ghosted. That’s not just lazy, it’s disrespectful, especially when you’re injured. Actions speak louder than words, and he’s failing big time.

OP responded:

Yeah I know. It's so frustrating cos when he was living with his parents he'd do everything himself, without being asked. But since moving in together a year ago he just leaves me to do it all. He says its cos when he's been working he doesn't wanna come back and do more work. I get it but he's an adult and needs to pick up the slack when I can't.

[deleted] wrote:

Can I ask what your agreement was for household work and pet work? Why is everything on you?

OP responded:

Right now I'm not working cos of an injury, separate to this one I've got now. Im getting help from employment support groups to help me find something. So in light of me not working I took on the majority of household chores. So I take care of the cat, hoover, cleaning bathroom and kitchen, laundry etc.

The only jobs my fiance has is cooking (he asked to do the cooking cos he enjoys it more than I do) and on weekends he'll do the garden and help me carry the shopping from our weekly shop. I also bring in my own money so im not dependant on him for money, he works in construction full time. I take care of the vet bills, and all our rent and utilities is split down the middle.

When he earns more money he'll take care of more financially but at the moment I earn more so I take care of all the food shopping and necessities myself. I've been trying to talk to him about the split in household labour when im working again but he keeps saying that we'll cross that bridge when it comes, not very reassuring given the current situation I'm in.

The next day, OP shared an update.

Here's a little update to my post yesterday. I spoke to my fiancé after he got back from work yesterday about how I've been feeling this past week since being injured. I told him I wasn't feeling very respected and that I didn't feel as if I had been given a chance to relax and heal in an environment that was filthy. It didn't go over well.

Straight away he was on the defensive, saying he's not a sl@ve, that he doesn't feel respected because I haven't been helping him with cleaning (while simultaneously saying that I cant help him clean because of my injury). I asked him why do i have to repeatedly ask for him to do one thing over and over again before it gets done.

He said he just forgets, I told him that him constantly saying he'll get stuff done and then "forgetting" can feel manipulative. He agreed, then half an hour later denied ever agreeing. Anyways, I tried suggesting ways that he can remember to do the stuff I ask him to do, whether its by leaving post it notes, setting reminders on his phone, etc.

He said he didn't want to do those things because he doesn't want to be treated like a baby. I told him that me constantly having to remind him over and over, me constantly telling him what he needs to do, is me babying him and im not doing it anymore.

I told him he's an adult and needs to manage his own s#$, if that means setting a reminder on your phone then so be it, cos I am not a f#$king alarm clock, or a calendar or his damn mother. I told him if nothing changes I'm done, last chance. He did actually do some laundry, but he only did his laundry, the stuff he needed/wanted. BTW there were no apologies, no plan forward, no nothing.

So I think he's gonna get demoted down to boyfriend, engagement isn't a thing anymore. And I'm gonna get my ducks in a row. Thank you all for the advice yesterday! It really is the little things that break the camels back.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

abstract_lemons wrote:

He is a child, a manipulative and bratty child. “He’s not a slave?” For doing the chores that you normally do. So does that mean that he normally sees you as his slave, since you normally do all that stuff as part of your regular day? Your boy is a lazy selfish child. That he couldn’t even have a rational discussion about this, nor acknowledge any responsibility speaks volumes about him as a partner.

You aren’t wrong to worry about your future with this baby. Do you really see him changing a diaper if he can’t even scoop poop out of a litter box? Because I see him complaining that you aren’t keeping up with the regular housework with your newborn, even though they aren’t much work - they pretty much just sleep all day ( /s !!!) seriously, the boy reacted to your calm discussion by doing his own laundry?

What a pathetic s#$t. He needs to go back home to mommy, so she can treat him like the selfish toddler he is forever. You need to seriously think about this relationship. As is, you are doomed to be miserable.

OP responded:

Agreed. I tried mentioning kids and what would happen then. If things go wrong and i hypothetically end up needing an emergency cesarean, what would happen? Would dirty diapers be left for weeks while I heal from major surgery? Would the house go into disarray because im unable to do it myself?

He said it'd be different cos he'd have time off work and would step up...I said to him that last week he had time off work and couldn't step up for me now, with a much less serious issue, what on earth is making him think it'll be different down the line. My issue now may not be as serious as ones in the future but the fact is that im still out of commission and cant do anything.

I asked him what changed when he moved in with me because he used to clean everything without issue, this boy said "well I cleaned because I wanted to but now there's another person here"...that's what I am, the f#$king help, he doesn't wanna clean anymore cos I'm here to do it for him. F#$k. That.

stuckinnowhereville wrote:

Oh I’d be handing him eviction papers with that comment.

OP responded:

I was so angry I had to step out and take a breather. That was when I told him I wasn't a maid, and he responded that he wasn't a slave. 10 minutes later when I cooled off and came back inside I asked him about the slave comment; did he mean now while I'm injured, because i can't help him without making it worse, or in general.

He said in general, I told him that in general I'm the one doing the majority while he's at work, he said he knew that. So his sl#$e comment was based on f#$k all, absolutely nothing to back it up.

When I told him I'm done acting like his mother he said he acts like my dad, cos he goes out to work and earns the money for the family...I may not currently be in work but I bring in more than him, way more than him, our financial split is currently close to 65/35. The anger I feel just thinking about it is insane.

rocketmn69 wrote:

Hand him his ring back. Tell him until things improve and and stays that way without being told, the engagement is off and you won't be marrying him.

OP responded:

That's the plan, I'm getting my ducks in a row as well anyway, so that im prepared for a lack of change. Honestly I have zero faith, but I'd love to be proven wrong.

[deleted] wrote:

You didn’t lose your mind, you found your clarity. He showed you exactly who he is when things weren’t easy, and he failed the bare minimum test while you were injured. Doing only his laundry after that conversation?

That’s not forgetfulness, that’s a statement. And it says, “I don’t actually care.” Demotion earned. You’re not his mom, maid, or rehab nurse. You’re his partner or supposed to be. Good on you for recognizing the difference.

OP responded:

I just regret it taking me too long to notice. But when you look at things through Rose colours glasses, all the red flags just look like flags. Him doing his own laundry shows where his priorities lie, himself. He'll put himself first, while knowing I can't do my own laundry, while knowing I have no clean clothes and have been sat in the same clothes all week.

Not a single care in world, everytime hes brought up how the laundry needs doing its only his stuff that is important, its his clothes that have a time limit on being done. His reasoning for washing his clothes first is because he needs them for Sunday, as if we don't have a dryer that would dry them the same night, his still took priority.

Not only that, he was bragging about how white he had managed to get his clothes, and that in the months I had been washing his whites they never got that bright. Rage, pure rage.

The next day, OP shared another update.

So this will probably be the last update for a while, I just wanna say thank you for all the responses and advice on my last post, I am reading them all even if I'm not responding.

Onto the final update. I told him what I realized about him mirroring his dad's misogynistic views, he didn't freak out or get angry which was a pleasant surprise. He said he understood but he doesn't view me as a maid, doesn't view me as below him and doesn't thinking he is bringing those ideas home.

I told him if you hear the same bullsh#$% day after day then whether you agree with it or not eventually it'll be brought home and seep into your personal life. He may not be actively thinking I'm a maid but he's damn well treating me like one. He admitted that he didn't do any of the chores i asked because he was lazy and cared more that he had a day off work.

I put it bluntly, he cared more about himself than me, more about his own desires than my birthday, more about his own energy than my injury. So yeah, he has been viewing himself as above me, that im less important than him.

Apparently whenever his dad says this misogynistic crap my fiancé's view of him changes for the worst, and that negative change is what he's bringing home. But I told him that makes no sense considering he's started acting and talking exactly like his dad. Anyway, the conversation last night was mainly just to make sure that things stay smooth sailing until all my ducks are in a row to leave.

I have a job interview next week, and I'm planning on getting a place once I'm settled in work again. I have a few friends who I can ask to move in when I get a place to make it easier financially. I most likely won't update in a while, it'll probably be when ive got my own place and I'm settled. Thank you all for giving me such good advice, it definitely helped validate everything I was feeling.

The comments kept coming.

sweetnstacked wrote:

It's so validating to hear you clearly spell out how his actions are treating you like a maid, regardless of his intent. And good for you for seeing through the weak excuses. Focus on that interview and getting your own space. You deserve so much better than being an afterthought in your own home.

OP responded:

Thank you, I'm done being treated like a second class citizen in my own home and I told him as much. He said he wasn't intending to do that but the fact is even if his intentions were perfect (which they weren't anyway) he was still treating me like trash. He even admitted that he knew that doing his own laundry first was him being lazy and not wanting to do mine. I'm done. My energy is going to myself now.

Nuiari wrote:

Congratulations, OP, you did great. Now, focus on yourself and make a real plan about how to separate, because this can get messy.

OP responded:

Thank you, when it comes to the time to leave I'll have my dad with me, for emotional support and just in case things go wrong. I'll be okay.

OldBroad1964 wrote:

I’m 61 and your original post made me depressed that this crap is still going on. I’m glad that you are realizing your worth.

OP responded:

Thank you, there's plenty of good men in the world but there's plenty of bad ones too. I got unlucky.