'AITA for losing my temper at my girlfriend over visiting my mom’s grave?' 'She CRIED.'

"AITA for losing my temper at my girlfriend over visiting my mom’s grave on her death anniversary?"

Me (31M) and my gf (29F) have been together for 7 years. Tomorrow is the 4 year anniversary of my mom's death. Plan was she’d come with me to my hometown today (we’d get there in the evening) cause it's closer to the city where she has a work meeting tmrw morning.

I told her a few times how important it was for me we go to the cemetery before her train. I asked also multiple times when her train actually leaves but all I got was “morning." She only finally checked in the car and said 10 am. I thought ok that's fine, we just wake up like an hour earlier, no big deal.

Then she said if she had known earlier about the cemetery she would have planned different and just gone straight from home to the meeting instead of coming with me. That really hurt cause I DID tell her before. It felt like she acted like I dropped this last minute or forced her into it, which isn't true.

Before I got mad she suggested I could drop her at another station tomorrow thats closer to the cemetery. Logistically fine, I told her that. But the point wasn't the station or timing. The problem was I even had to push her about coming to my moms grave at all.

At that point I snapped. Told her it's disrespectful, felt like I don't matter, and out of frustration I even said f you. After that we just sat in silence. Later when we passed the airport she suddenly said she wants to get out there and take a train from there.

When she got out she cried and told me again she already gave a solution with the other station. I said the station was never the issue, it was how little I felt she cared. And honestly this isn't the first time.

When my mom died 4 years ago, on the DAY of the funeral, she left to go to a family friend’s 50th birthday party instead of staying with me and my family. I buried that feeling but moments like this bring it all back. Our relationship has been rocky for a while and in the car I kept thinking maybe I should just end it.

So…AITA for snapping, swearing at her and getting so angry? (EDITS: English not my first language sorry for mistakes.) (She left after the funeral, in the evening. My girlfriend just met my mom once, when she was already very sick and shortly died afterwards from cancer.)

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Familiar_Shock_1542 said:

Are you kidding me? This woman did not stay with you the day of your mother's funeral? I know you were in shock and grieving, but you should have dumped her callous self way before now. Man, this is awful.

She does not deserve you. (Or anyone). Go find someone who will actually love and support you. I am so sorry that you lost your mother. I know how much visits to the graves of loved ones mean to so many of us who are grieving. It says so much that she just could not be bothered. Take care. Treat yourself well. Start by getting rid of that horrid woman. NTA.

esmerelofchaos said:

NTA, but this relationship clearly has more investment from you than from her. She’s either not hearing or doesn’t care about what you’re communicating and WHO LEAVES THEIR PARTNER alone at their parent’s funeral?!

IllustriousBowler259 said:

This breakup is 4 years overdue. I'd have been done when she chose a party over my mother's funeral. I'm so sorry, but I think you know what to do now. NTA, and condolences on the loss of your mother. That never goes away, you just get more used to it being true.

hubertburnette said:

NTA. Unless she has some real trauma associated with grief and dying, she's just a jerk. (And, if she does have trauma, she should act like a grownup and own up to it.) She didn't go to the funeral with you? I'm gobsmacked as to how heartless that is. I have trouble believing she's that self-centered only about your mother's death--is this a pattern?

UnlikelyToRead said:

ESH. I'm uneasy with the way OP made out the gf skipped the funeral service to party before adding the edit, and failed to mention she'd only met his mother once in the time they'd been together.

GF provided options for changing travel plans but OP wanted her to really WANT to go to the cemetery - even though she didn't really know the person. You can't make a person feel something they don't, which kinda feels like the expectation here.

I'm going ESH because maybe the GF might actually be unsupportive for real, but it feels like OP didn't give the full story before the edit and I'm left wondering if they are creating drama around visiting the cemetery. I'm not sure that the situation warranted the sweary emotional outburst either. It sounds like the relationship is not working either way.

Comfortable-Ad-7630 said:

NTA. I mean the “f you” might have been uncalled for but you were emotional so … things are said that you don’t actually mean. I haven’t lost any relative, let alone my mother, so I don’t know how that must feel, but my ex was very attached to his grandpa.

When we went to vision his country (where is grandpa is buried) I made sure to let him know I am ready at any time he wants to go visit. Especially since it has been a while. I didn’t know his grandpa, nor their relationship. I just knew it was important to him so I was ready to support him in any way, take any trio necessary, at any time. Because what’s important to him, is important to me.

So no, I don’t think you’re the AH. I think, when you’re in a relationship and care for someone else, you don’t have to understand how important something is for your partner. They tell me it is and that means it is to me too, because I care about them.

If she was uncomfortable, she could have said that. I said I was extremely uncomfortable to go to the hospital to visit his dad. Said I had to think about it and in the end - he was more important to me (and supporting him during though times), than my dislike of hospitals.

Yes, I felt very anxious the whole time, but I wanted to he there and out my own feelings aside bc they mattered less in my eyes. If she has that little understanding and empathy for you…idk it would really upset me and make me rethink about how I saw her .