"AITA for losing weight before my best friend’s wedding?"
This is gonna be a long one. I don’t know how condense. I(23F) was asked by my best friend(21F) to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. We met at work a few years ago. I was her boss but I’m a bad boss & I’m everyone’s friend first.
We spent a lot of time together. We would get lunch together, hang out after work most days, & she would come do stuff with me & my kid on the weekends. It’s worth mentioning that I was the biggest I’d ever been during this time. I’m only 4’9 & I weighed 185lbs. She has always been a bigger girl.
Fast forward, I’ve left that company, had my second kid, & am trying out the stay at home mom thing. She gets engaged & asks me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I enthusiastically agree. We are still close at this time. We talk frequently but don’t get to see each other often.
Around this time, I start getting sick. I can barely eat. I have crippling pain anytime I do. I have no insurance (yes I’m American) so I have to tough it out & that means eating the minimum to stay alive.
I have rocketed up to a whopping 200lbs post baby & my illness(that I now know was just a pesky gallbladder that has since been removed) has brought me down to 143lbs in just 6 months.
I have also started working again & the only job I could land was a very physical one that required lots of OSHA training & a forklift certification so not only am I losing weight I am also getting sorta fit. I have not seen best friend for 6 months at this point because we’re both so busy.
I would like to note that it was never my intention to lose the weight nor was I attempting to get super buff. That is just the hand life dealt me. I was actually working really hard to become comfortable in my skin before losing weight because what’s the point of losing the weight if I’m still going to hate myself afterwards? But I digress.
I get off work early one day & decide to swing by my old office to see my best friend & old coworkers. I walk in & immediately people are commenting on my weight loss. It’s understandable but still makes me a little uncomfortable.
I am talking to best friend & can tell something is off. I ask what’s going on & she says she’s stressed about the wedding. I ask if she wants me to come over when she’s off & help with whatever I can & she says yes.
I go to her house later that day & she has a breakdown telling me she’s super insecure & worried about her appearance because all do her bridesmaid are really skinny & she’s gonna be the only fat one & the center of attention. I ask her point blank is it bothering you that I’ve lost weight & she says yes you lost all this weight right before my wedding.
I said I didn’t intend to. I’ve been really sick. She says are you sure because you’ve been working out pretty hard. I tell her I haven’t been working out at all. It’s just my job to be extremely active. I tell her I think she’s beautiful & her future husband loves her for who she is & won’t be staring at any one but her & that’s all that matters. We drop it & move on.
Ever since I can feel her pulling away. I was in charge of the bachelorette. I put so much time & effort into researching activities & restaurants, booking our Airbnb in my name, making timelines, etc.
Then she tells me we’re gonna move it closer to home & I have to rebook the house & her & another bridesmaid pretty much take over the bachelorette planning to the point that my only responsibility is our Airbnb.
I had left over cupcakes from my kids’ birthday party last week & decided to drop them off at my old office. I’m not working my physical job anymore & my new office is full of health freaks who don’t believe in a sweet treat.
I was excited to see my best friend & when I got there they were all on lunch but I could feel her rushing me out. I can’t help but think she’s still upset at me about the weight loss & is gravitating towards the bridesmaid that she still works with. I am still not a small girl by any means. 143lbs at 4’9 isn’t skinny. Plus I’ve had 2 C-sections in three years & still have grade A mom bod.
She’s entitled to her feelings & I understand the insecurity but I don’t think she should be upset with me for something that was outside my control & a serious health risk that sent me to the hospital multiple times.
I’m also starting to feel like I was just supposed to be the token fat bridesmaid. I don’t want to pull out of the wedding. I don’t feel like this is that serious plus we’re only 2 months away but I’m not sure how to mend this. So AITA for losing weight before her wedding?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. Let me be clear though, even if you had lost the weight intentionally, you still wouldn't be TA, unless you had literally done it out of spite or with the intention of "upstaging" the bride or whatever.
But I had my gallbladder removed during my last pregnancy, and the end result was that after I gave birth, I was two pounds lighter than I'd been before I got pregnant (baby was 8.5lbs so at least he wasn't starving there).
It was hard enough to eat when it caused me pain every time, but even after they yoinked the stupid stone-filled organ it was hard to eat, I just didn't have much of an appetite for quite a while afterwards.
This. And honestly if a friendship can’t survive you going through a literal medical crisis, then it was never about the friendship to begin with. You didn’t “upstage” her, you just stayed alive.
Superb_Mind6982 (OP)
I would like to state that she was worried about me while I was sick. I didn’t really let anyone know how bad it was during the thick of it but her & my other friends definitely checked in on me after my surgery.
…and? I’m not sure how this matters
She doesn’t want to be the only “fat person” in her bridal party. She’s upset yet took no steps to work on herself, part of me wonders if her decision was also influenced by your weight.
Superb_Mind6982 (OP)
I wondered this too. I know we were really close but I do wonder if her decision to include me was somewhat influenced by my size.
Well obviously NTA. But your mate is very insecure and if she’s being all kinds of petty now it’s showing you who she really is. If she’s being was a true friend she’d be cheering you on for losing the weight regardless of how you lost it. True friends are ride or die and have your back. Sorry babe but she’s not that friend.
Superb_Mind6982 (OP)
I think she has been happy for me despite it all. I’m sure she’s able to see how much better I’m feeling. I’ve offered to go on walks with her or just go out & about. I’ve always specified that I’m not pressuring her to work out or lose weight but maybe just getting out of the house & having time to move around & be outside would make her feel better. Maybe I’m the AH there.
Of course you are NTA! Keep supporting her the best way you can but don’t take on her problems. She needs therapy! Don’t change who you are for her. Take this wedding one step at a time. Let her lead the pace. Make no excuses for yourself. If she goes low, you go high.
Superb_Mind6982 (OP)
Thank you. I really don’t think this makes her an AH! I think she’s just struggling. I just don’t know how to go about fixing it. Maybe we’ll go back to normal after the wedding stress passes?