'AITA for lying about where I was going to college so my stepsister wouldn't follow me?'
"AITA for lying about where I was going to college so my stepsister wouldn't follow me?"
My mom married her husband Mike when I (18f) was 9. Mike had a daughter called Charlotte who's the same age as me. My mom loved having another girl and Charlotte never had a mom in her life so the two of them bonded super fast and mom was excited to have "almost twins", which is what mom used to call us.
Charlotte acts younger than she is, always has. She gets attached and wants to be with someone 24/7 and followed me around the whole time like she was a much younger sibling. She'd do the same with mom too.
Mom loved it and would encourage it and she forced me to put up with it. She scolded me regularly when I didn't want to spend time with Charlotte or I was short with her. Mom told me Charlotte was my sister now and I should embrace having someone who loved and wanted me around so bad.
I tried to explain to my mom that having Charlotte follow me around and be forced on me 24/7 was making me dislike her and not want to give her a chance. But my mom told me that was a child's wife of thinking about it and 9 year old's are big girls.
Then when I tried to talk to mom about it at 12 she told me I was old enough to be mature and loving and to know the true meaning of family is to love and appreciate those who treat us well and Charlotte adored me and would do anything for me. I said that wasn't true because she would not leave me alone. Mom hated that I wanted that.
We fought a lot when I was 14 to 16 and then I learned to stop speaking to mom. What sucked most was I could talk to extended family and ask for them to try and talk to mom but it didn't work and my dad's dead so I didn't have another parent to run to.
I knew when I was 15 that my mom and Charlotte wanted us to attend college together and they were planning to have us go to the same school. I tried to get Charlotte to understand that we needed the separation and we shouldn't base our schools on each other but she was set on following me.
My mom didn't support me either and she made it a big deal that I wanted distance from Charlotte. So when college talk was happening more seriously I lied about where I was applying to.
I made sure all the schools I mentioned to mom and Charlotte were pretty far from where I was actually planning to go. Charlotte accepted where she and mom thought I accepted but it wasn't.
Before graduation I moved into my paternal aunt's house to avoid the backlash that I knew would come. Now the truth is out there and Charlotte's decided she's not going to college at all.
My mom is furious and she tried to shame me for the stunt of tearing our family apart. She told me I had a lot of making up to do and I told her in reply that I don't regret my decision.
I said my only regret is that I was forced to lie. Mom said nobody forced me to lie and I said they did, by giving me no choice but to accept Charlotte following me. I told mom I knew either her or Charlotte would have sabotaged me if I openly applied to a school Charlotte couldn't attend.
Mom told me I wasn't thinking of what was best for Charlotte and as an afterthought she said for me. I told her the best thing for Charlotte is no concern of mine. Mom said that wasn't kind and I should be kind.
Mom asked my maternal aunt (as in her sister) to talk to me. My aunt did and she told me she understood why I did what I did but I should apologize and at least regret lying a little because I interrupted Charlotte's plans with my actions.
I told her I did not want to be in the same college as Charlotte and I didn't want to be in the same state as her. My aunt said it was extreme to feel so strongly about it instead of keeping my distance at college.
She told me I lied so easily and could have handled it in a far more mature way. She said communication is key. I asked her what good communication was when my mom willingly ignores my communication attempts. Mom was furious when my aunt told her everything I said.
I feel like while lying isn't the ideal or a first choice people should use but I feel like I was left with no other choice. Maybe I'm too close to judge this though so I'm asking AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Mom did Charlotte no favors by coddling Charlotte's neediness and codependency. Sadly OP was right that since mom refused to address the codependency and criticized any attempts at independence that she had no choice but to lie about where to apply for college.
Notably the mom didn't deny OP saying someone would've sabotaged their college choices had they been open and honest. Aunt is naive that if OP and Charlotte attended college together that OP could somehow keep her distance....occasional classes together, room together and how dare OP not eat together and exclude her from activities...
AnimatorEqual2843 (OP)
Exactly. It would be a never-ending issue. Charlotte would try to make sure we were roommates. She would make sure she followed me around and that I couldn't do too much without her. It would be suffocating and I'd have to drop out.
Don’t tell them or anyone who will tell them where you are going. You’ll find Charlotte now has a job/apartment there and yall will ‘run into each other’ Or be prepared for ‘Charlotte only took a gap year, you’re established at ______ school now, ofc you’re rooming with and helping her, right!’
NTA. It is not possible to force people to be friends and your mom really needed to be more on your side when you were growing up. It is actually very likely that you and your stepsister would have become friends if it had been allowed to grow slowly, not by her wanting to be with you every waking moment. How was it when you were starting to date?
NTA I a very concerned by the number of parents who let their own children down to support stepchildren it doesn't make sense to me at all ... A bond can't be forced and you deserve to be free and happy stay away from them!
This is all you mums own fault why did your stepdad not speak up as well hope your mum is happy now she has lost her own daughter.
AnimatorEqual2843 (OP)
Mike didn't care. He had someone (my mom) to do the heavy lifting with Charlotte and he only cared about Charlotte. He'd spend time with her when he wanted and the rest of the time he wasn't involved.
AnimatorEqual2843 (OP)
I can go NC with my mom and I'm working myself up to it. Moving out was the first step. There's no way we could have a healthy or even civil relationship after this. My mom now thinks I'm one of the worst people ever.