Sibling lies about European trip dates to intentionally exclude disabled sister, refuses to apologize. AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for lying to my disabled sister about the dates of our Europe trip so she couldn’t come and then refusing to apologize when she found out?"
I (32 non-binary) planned a three-week trip to Europe with my brother and two close friends. We’re going to Italy, France, and Spain, mostly by train, and the itinerary is pretty active (lots of walking, early mornings, and trying local food).
I have travelled with each of them before and had a great time. My younger sister (26F) is not an easy person to travel with. She uses a walker, which makes traveling very slow and complicated, especially in Europe.
She’s extremely picky (won’t eat unfamiliar food, has walked out of restaurants because the menu stressed her out), doesn’t like walking, gets overwhelmed easily, and has caused issues on past trips, including once making me miss a flight because she refused to leave the house without taking 90 minutes to curl her hair (and underestimated how long security would take to inspect her walker).
When she heard I was going to Europe, she asked if she could come. I didn’t want to say no and cause drama, so I lied about the dates. I told her we were going in August, knowing well she had a wedding that month she couldn’t miss. In reality, we booked the trip for the first three weeks of September.
Everything was fine until earlier this week, when she saw my brother post something on his Instagram story mentioning that it was only 2 months until Spain. She confronted me, put two and two together, and realized I had lied about the dates. She was furious. She said I was manipulative, cruel and that I excluded her on purpose.
She’s not wrong about that last part because I did exclude her, but not to be cruel. I just wanted this trip to be fun and smooth, and based on her track record, I didn’t think she’d make it enjoyable for us.
My parents are now involved. They say lying was immature and I should’ve just talked to her like an adult. Maybe they’re right. But I also knew if I had said no directly, she would’ve guilt-tripped me and probably tried to force her way in anyway (she’s done this before and I think she's planning a trip with my parents now that happens to coincide in time and location with ours).
AITA for lying to my sister about the dates of our Europe trip to prevent her from coming and refusing to apologize even after she found out?
The OP later returned with an update.
Edit - too many comments to respond to but I would like to clarify two things:
One, the difference in the dates I told my sister and the dates we actually have booked is only a few days.
She's attending a wedding on August 30. I told her we were leaving that day but we are actually leaving September 2. She doesn't use social media but I guess someone showed her the post. I wasn't expecting her to find out.
Two, the reason I didn't mention it directly to her is because a similar thing happened in the past and she basically invited herself, which I didn't want to happen again. I know if I hadn't lied, it would have been hard to avoid her coming no matter what I said.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
YTA, not for refusing to travel with her. But for the lie.
She cannot guilt you without your consent.
"This is a holiday with lots of walking, trying new food and needing us to be places on time. None of that from past experience is something you will enjoy and I am not going to compromise the trip for you."
"I want to come."
"That doesn't work for me."
Rinse-repeat.
Other options: “Sorry, that’s not an option.” “No thank you.” “Maybe some other time.” Definitely rinse repeat. That’s all you have to say and it doesn’t leave her the option to argue. Look up Grey rock if you aren’t already familiar.
It sounds easy…but there are a lot of dynamics involved being the siblings of differently abled children. It seems like OP has had to make sacrifices their whole life for their sister and feels an obligation to always include her - and judging by the way the sister and parents reacted, I would say they’re exactly the reason OP feels that way.
OP has probably been conditioned to sacrifice their own happiness for the sake of their sister their whole life. With that much built in pressure, I’m not surprised OP chose what they thought would be a harmless lie instead of confronting their sister’s behaviour.
What would be the point of addressing the behaviour? Parents have clearly enabled it her whole life, and sister feels entitled to her selfish behaviour. OP would have been steamrolled.
I agree that OP should have been able to just state her decision and grey rock any resistance, but they may not have that ability yet - so, hopefully this is a wake up to OP that they deserve to see a therapist and learn strategies to stand up for themselves to their family.
YTA. You should have been honest and said "we're going to a lot of cultural restaurants and doing a lot of walking and things you generally hate. I am not willing to change my itinerary to suit you, so I dont think you coming is a good idea."
it might be a little mean to be honest, but it's better than lying to her, manipulating her, and drawing out the hurt and meanness. Its a YOU problem that you can't resist a guilt trip. Learn how to put your foot down and stick to it, man. You dont owe her anything beyond honesty- its her problem if she can't handle it.
YTA. You have to learn to say no.
‘No, you can’t come.’
‘No, this is a trip with activities that are inaccessible to you.’
And if you’re up for it: ‘no you can’t come on this trip but we can go during a long weekend to somewhere if you wanna’. The no will sting, but it’ll sting less than being lied to. It’s more dramatic to lie about the dates than to say no. The lying is the manipulative, cruel and dramatic part on your end. Saying this as a disabled person myself who needs travel accommodations.
Most types of people, disabled or not, who act like that ARE dramatic, inconsiderate, difficult and MANIPULATIVE. She just got a taste of her own poison. Frankly no one owes her "a long weekend somewhere" to ease the blow, she'd still behave horrifically either way.
If you've gotten to the point your own sister needs to lie to you to avoid your insufferable ass then it's on you. I've traveled with disabled people and they were wonderful , you know why?
Cause they were aware of their circumstances and open about them from the get go so we could plan accordingly, actively tried to smooth things over when a situation came up related to their limitations, didn't behave as if the rest of the group was their personal assistants and generally understood everyone deserves to have fun.
It's called self awareness, the sister clearly lacks it so she would have flipped out hearing the word no regardless of how op presented it. Op just wasn't into the theatrics and chose to avoid the screaming and bickering for her own good and she's entitled to that.