'AITA for getting mad at my husband about his dead ex-girlfriend?'
"AITA for getting mad at my husband about his dead ex-girlfriend?"
My husband (29M) and I (27F) have been together for 4 years now and have been married for the last 6 months. Prior to us meeting, my husband had an ex-girlfriend from when he was younger who he was with for 10 years.
I’ve known about her since we first started dating and had no issues as I understood that they were together for a long time and she was his first love. Well she had left him out of the blue stating that she simply did not love him anymore. He was heartbroken over this situation then later on, she passed away unexpectedly.
Recently, he was intoxicated and we got into an argument unrelated to his ex-girlfriend. Somehow the argument turned into him talking about their relationship. He emphasized that they were together for 10 years and that he still to this day doesn’t understand why she didn’t love him anymore.
That he doesn’t really talk about her to me because ‘it doesn’t matter’ but that he still has nightmares about his heartbreak. Then he said something along the lines of ‘What can you do when the love of your life says she doesn’t love you like that anymore? Nothing. You can’t do nothing, just go find the next best thing’.
It stung when he said that because he made it seem like I was just someone he married because he couldn’t marry her or be with her. Since then, I haven’t talked to him as I feel hurt that even after being married, he called another woman the love of his life.
I just don’t know if Im being immature and having petty feelings but AITAH for giving him the silent treatment because of his past and his heartbreak about his ex-girlfriend especially since she is no longer alive.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. That's a really difficult thing to hear. I think you need to sit down and talk to him about it. Depending on what happens in that conversation, you might have some decisions to make for yourself. You deserve better than to be considered second prize by your husband.
Marriage shouldn’t feel like you’re a consolation prize.. Silent treatment only makes it linger. I really hope they can talk it through...
NTA…..but OP, hear me out. There is a strong level of maturity that it’s going to take to understand that this is not actually about you. And I know that it’s easier said than done. This is actually a unique case of PTSD, that he needs therapy to heal from.
I don’t believe he loves you any less than he loved her. But the human psyche naturally seeks closure from things that happened to us. With her death, he never got that. Don’t sacrifice your marriage for what can be repaired through maturity, therapy, and patience.
I think you need to have a serious talk and say you’ve hurt me. I do know how it feels to feels for the love of your life to not love you like you love them because that is what you’ve done to me. Don’t hold back he needs to understand just how his words have wounded you.
NTA. He literally said you’re “the next best thing”. I don’t know that I could get past that.
So he told you you’re the ‘next best thing’? um no. grieving or not that’s abhorent. Drunk minds speak sober truths. Personally, i wouldn’t be able to forgive this. He needs therapy and you need a divorce.
If she’d have passed whilst they were still together I’d have more empathy and understanding that he will probably never fully heal from that. BUT she dumped his ass. And then he’s telling you that you’re not the love of his life, but “the next best thing”.
Has this ever come up before? I’m surprised he’s kept that one quiet for long enough to get you to marry him. NTA though - I’d never be able to get past that and would likely seek a divorce.
NTA I also wouldn't be with him anymore. If I was told by a partner that I was second best. Or just a decent replacement. I have more respect for myself then that.
He can and should grieve, there is nothing wrong with that. But to marry someone, and only after the wedding tell them they will only ever be second best is absolutely AH territory. He stole OPs chance to find someone who could love her.
Ya'll need therapy. Couples counselling for this. And he is suffering hard and needs private therapy for himself. EVERYONE needs therapy. NTA.
NTA. He should have told you this before the wedding. He stole your chance to be loved by someone who could put you first. I personally would end a relationship like this. I'd seek annulment because this is just not the marriage I thought I was entering. Grieving is not an excuse to hurt your partner and it doesn't erase the consequences of your actions.
NTA I’m sorry but he called you a second choice and she was the real love of his life. I would not compete with a dead woman and I certainly wouldn’t consider being a placeholder or second choice. The man needs therapy and you need a divorce. When he says that he didn’t mean it, he was drunk.
Drunk words sober thoughts. Know your worth and it’s not forever being second choice. Ask him how he’d feel if the situation were reversed. Call a lawyer and don’t waste any more time on this. Truthfully I find him emotionally abusive, he knows exactly what he said.
He needs therapy sure and grief counselling but the fact he thinks he settled and you’re second best is a separate issue. At the end of the day are you comfortable with someone who feels that way about you?
Instead of giving him the silent treatment you need to sit down and have a conversation with him about how he truly feels about you because his been lying about it this entire time.