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Fiancé secretly uses travel fund for Italian vacation to buy a comic book. AITA? + Update

Fiancé secretly uses travel fund for Italian vacation to buy a comic book. AITA? + Update


"AITA for being mad my (F31) fiance (M31) secretly spent our small travel fund?"


Hello! Long time lurker/commenter in need of judgement.

A few months ago my fiance whom I will call Jack and I decided to start a small travel fund.

I told Jack that, when I was in my 20s, I used to save money for trips and that I never used my travel fund for anything else (like being tempted to grab some cash from it when I really needed it).

It helped me save plenty without burning a hole in my pocket once I was on the road and he liked the idea. I made it explicitly clear that this was super important to me because we don't have super high earnings and anything we can save for the fund would be lovely since we were planning to travel to Italy this year.

For 3-4 months we both contributed to the fund and we saved up enough to cover accommodation expenses which made me excited. A few days ago, I was cleaning up and something made me look into our fund. Now, the fund is an envelope (I know, I know) and I opened it just to remind myself how much we saved, only to see the fund was empty. The money was gone.

When Jack came back from the store, I asked him where the money was and he said he spent a half of it on a gift he recently bought me (it was a hardcover comic book I knew was pricey and was very happy and grateful when I received it). Jack wouldn't say where the other half was. I was livid. Not because he spent the money (though that also upsets me) but because he spent it without telling me.

His excuse is he didn't take me seriously when I said this was important to me. Jack said he would put the money back and that he was sorry and that he didn't think it was going to be such a big deal.

I told him I didn't trust him anymore and that the fact he used the money I contributed to either buy my own gift or to spend it on god knows what was a severe violation of trust from my pov.

Jack said I was being an asshole about it and we're still just as upset at each other. Was I really TA? I'm sorry if this text is confusing, I'll answer questions or make edits if something is unclear. :(

The OP then provided an update in the same post.



First of all, thank you all for the comments and the valuable insights. I tried to respond to everyone's questions and advice but it became impossible, what with hundreds of comments flooding in which is not something I expected so yes, thank you!

I'm not sure this is how you do an update so I hope everyone who was interested in the update will be able to see this! First, let me address one thing that I now realize I'd left unclear in my OG post:

The fiance did not REFUSE to say where he spent the money. I was the one that clammed him up by impulsively saying I didn't care (I was so upset I couldn't even be in the same room, let alone listen to what he had to say and that's on me). Secondly, a lot of you suggested he may be gambling or cheating - he is doing neither, thank goodness LOL I can vouch for that.

Now, update!! I got up this morning and woke him up saying I wanted to re-address the money thing. He immediately got up and we started to talk. I told him that I wanted my share back as soon as possible, within this week preferably.

I didn't care how he would get the money back and I told him he was free to sell the comics if he needed to. Now, onto the COMICS. He didn't lie about the price. He showed me the receipt and yes, it did cost as much as he had told me it cost. I just wanted to clear that up too now that I also have proof.

Anyway, I asked him about where the money went and here is what he said, (and provided texts for me to see): He started off with an apology and said he'd give me the money back.

He re-stated the gift thing. He ordered it in back in February and, as per the shop site, didn't expect it before the end of March (it may sound strange to people from normal countries, but I've waited for my packages for up to 2 months sometimes).

He expected he'd get his salary right on time to pay for the comic but this didn't happen as his pay ran two days late (which it was, I remember) and the package arrived on time, so he (in his own words) carelessly took the money with the intention of returning it.

I asked why he didn't return it, he apologized and said he wanted to but that wasn't enough for me. The rest of the money went to pay a bill from the apartment he rented prior to us moving together.

Long story short, THAT SAME BUDDY I MENTIONED had moved into that apartment when my fiance moved out (and he and I moved in) and the buddy stayed for like a month and left without paying that month's utilities.

Instead of calling the police, the owner of that previous flat called my fiance. Since he knew his buddy couldn't pay for the damn bill, he ended up paying it so she didn't call the police on the buddy. I saw the text message exchange.

When asked why he didn't tell me, he said he knew I'd be very upset but that he felt it was the right thing to do (to pay for the bill) and that he now realizes just how stupid he was. Kept on apologizing and for calling me an ass for being mad.

I told him my trust is very hard to be earned back and that, should we stay together, I will not be interested in mutual savings or anything similar to that. I gave him a two week deadline to give me my money back and he said he'd give it back sooner than that.

I told him I will save on my own and that he's free to do what he wants with his money. He asked me if I could reconsider and start a travel fund again (this time, using a proper bank account, etc.) but I refused and will not entertain the idea.

We have decided to stay together but I am super cautious about going forward. I have suggested couple counseling so we can figure out why in the WORLD he does such mindless things without asking me or even trusting me and he has agreed to the idea, so we will see. There's a lot to (re)build but at least now I know what actually transpired. Still mad at him but yes. Thank you!!

Here were the top rated comments in response to the OP's post:


NTA - he bought you a gift with your own money… even that right there is ridiculous.

The OP responded here:


Even if I think, "OK, he spent HIS half on the gift, where is MY half then?", you know? :( Thank you for your thoughts!


Run. OP. These things only get bigger and bigger. His of excuse of “I didn’t know you were serious” was just a way to blame you into thinking you weren’t clear enough. You were clear. He didn’t care. Or at least not enough that it mattered to you.


NTA. He needs to come clean about what he spent the other half of the money on, and return the money. I suggest opening a savings account for this purpose.


NTA. I know it's just a mental slip, but I read that as "he doesn't take you seriously." You can't take money out of mutual savings and spend it without discussion.


Jacks a thief simple as that.


NTA. You have a right to be upset. As I read about his reaction a second time, I have to wonder, has he done this before and paid back the money into the envelope before you noticed?

That doesn’t make it ok, but it could lend credibility that he didn’t see this as such a big deal and that he’s really going to pay it back. If so, I’m guessing he’s learned his lesson this time.

The OP then provided an edit after reading through the responses.



Wow I...didn't expect this kind of response and I'm not sure how edits work here and if any one of you who have given me advice will see the edit. Thank you, first of all, for helping me go forward.

I will have another serious discussion with Jack and see where the rest of the money went because its not like he flatly rejected telling me, its that i was so mad I just told him I didn't care about any of his excuses so...

Hopefully I shall resolve this mystery soon. I will update properly tomorrow so if anyone wants to read more about my drama, feel free to check back tomorrow at this time haha 😅

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit
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