'AITA for being mad my husband refused to turn on AC and made me suffer in a hot car?'

"AITA for being mad my husband tortured me in a hot car?"

I (31 F) am mad at my husband (38 M) for admitting he let me overheat in the car on a hot day because he couldn’t “undig his heels”. Please help me gain some clarity. Idk if I’m freaking out over nothing or not… so I recently (the past 10-12 months) have been increasingly heat sensitive. Hot weather hasn’t been great on me this past summer which is weird bc I’m usually always cold and look forward to the summer.

So this past May, my husband and I decided to go to the Cleveland Zoo. We hadn’t been in a while and I figured it was only going to get hotter over the summer and thought 77 would be okay. My husband said if we too his car we’d have the windows down because he liked to save on gas mileage. I figured since i hadn’t showered yet a little sweat would hurt.

Well the day was hot and I wasn’t comfortable on the drive up my baby hairs whipped me in the face and got my glasses all dirty and I was starting to get hot. But I agreed to this day so I had to keep going. I only lasted about 1 hour at the zoo before I was hot, hungry, thirsty, and all around miserable. So we left.

One the way out of the zoo I was sweating so much my sunblock was getting in my eyes making them sting and my vision was going dark around the edges. I was having a really bad reaction to the heat. I told my husband “I think I’m dying” but I tried saying it in a way where I wouldn’t alarm him but I wanted him to know I wasn’t doing great. He said “you’re not dying” in a flat tone.

When we final got to the car I was hot and asked if we could have the AC on begrudgingly he agreed. We got to get lunch which was pretty uneventful so finally we hit the turnpike to come home (it’s about an hour drive home in the height of the heat of the day) he won’t let me have the AC on and insists the windows be down and the sunroof open. I am having zero fun.

I was sitting in direct sunlight the whole drive home. The wind was making my ears hurt; my baby hairs were getting sunblock in my eyes basically blinding me and I was sweaty and sticky and generally over stimulated. He let me suffer. So here is some fun context. I am generally temperature sensitive.

Well I recently got on an SSRI which increases heat sensitivity, I take Benadryl daily which increases heat sensitivity, I am on a stimulant for ADHD which, you guessed it, increases heat sensitivity. So the whole ride in the heat I felt SICK my heart felt like it was knocking against my ribs and I felt faint. My vision was not only blurred from the sunblock but also the heat. My husband didn’t care.

Well fast forward to yesterday when we got into an argument and he finally let it slip that he didn’t care I suffered on that car ride because he though I was exaggerating my heat exhaustion to “get my way” and have the AC on.

He always maintained that the windows down was a fuel economy thing but last night he told me that was a lie and he only did it bc he dug his heels in and couldn’t let me get my way. So I got to suffer for his pride. Am I wrong for being mad and feeling betrayed?

My best friend says that this is mistreatment and he crossed a line. I thought she might be overreacting a bit but the more I think about it the more upset I get.

Any feedback would be lovely.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

BothReading1229 said:

NTA, your friend is spot on and not exaggerating, at all!

Professional_Ad_8 said:

Driving with your windows down and sunroof open uses more gas than driving with the AC on unless you have a very old car. Your husband is the a$$hole (and knows nothing about fuel economy).

SnooJokes7657 said:

There was no logical reason for him to insist you not use the A/C. He was intentionally doing something to that made you feel sick because he wouldn’t actually believe you. Is he always this awful?

Quirky-Chick1968 said:

I have Lupus and am extremely sensitive to heat! I know what you go through. I wouldn’t be surprised if you got mild heat stroke from his actions! What he did was stupid, idiotic and life threatening! Why are you with someone who treats you like this?!!! NTA.

OP later shared this update to add more context:

It’s about 8 hours later and I’m here to add some context to how we even got on this subject of him tormenting me for sport. Apparently he’s not been happy for a while, I’m not always the most attentive wife my attitude toward him when he tries to talk to me when I have headphones in makes him feel unimportant and he’s felt like a stranger in our relationship for a while apparently.

He feels like our spark/connection is gone but he doesn’t have any idea what I can do to make him feel loved and desired or to spark him again.

Onto the control thing I think he did this as a way to take control from me because he’s uncomfortable with our relationship dynamic. We live in a home that has been owned by my family for 80 years. My grandparents built it together and it was always promised to me. I moved in when my grandfather fell ill and was put in a nursing home.

I sold my other home to move here and my husband sold his condo to move in with me. There have been a lot of issues with the home being put in my name from my fathers and we’re trying to split up the land since I live next door to my parents.

The land grandpa built on was all one lot when my grans sister got old and couldn’t live alone grandpa gave her a section of his land and built her a small house on it so she could Live alone but still have the help of the family. When my great aunt died my grandparents gave that house to my parents and my grandparents always promised their house to me when the time came.

All that to say… I think the fact we live next door to my parents (whom my husband has since learned he loathes.. mom mostly which I find to be fair bc she’s a piece of work and I don’t begrudge him for that she sucks a lot) I think all of these factors make him feel out of control and like I have all the power in this relationship.

It’s a family home which is mine he’s even said he doesn’t want his name on the deed when the land is finally out of consideration for splitting (my dad and I are making the one large plot two equal sized plots) so it seems like he’s having trouble with me “be the one with all the power” (his words) and he’s just stuck.

It feels like he doesn’t see us as a unit anymore and that really hurts my heart bc I consider him my person and I always tell him we are a hive mind like the borg (StarTrek reference) and that we are one being and resistance is futile. But I think he’s lost in the sauce and doesn’t know how to regain a feeling of control.

Also side note, after that zoo trip I avoided going anywhere further than the grocery this summer so I wouldn’t be at risk for heat sickness.