'I made my 11-year-old daughter cry during Dungeons & Dragons.' AITA? 'My wife is still mad.'

"I made my daughter (11), cry during D&D. Even though everything turned out OK, my wife is still mad. AITA?"

Background: I have been running a 3 yr D&D game for my daughter (11). I play all other characters including her party members of 5: started out their adventure as petty thieves but are now heroes, all with their own character growth over time. Her character learned early that her character was the target of a Dark God that had severed her soul from her body (important context).

She and her band of reformed heroes has spent many sessions thwarting a Hag. Finally, the hag kidnaps a young girl who is friends with the party. We start our D&D session last night and my wife is present in the room: I narrate the events in her game...

The party finds what they think is the hag lair and is prepared for an epic fight to save the child, only to find the lair abandoned with the girl in a magical prison and a letter from the hag. The letter indicates that the magical trap will soon kill the girl and that she (my daughter’s character) must “choose her sorrow."

The girl will be freed on the condition that 2 of her companions are sacrificed or her life alone to be sacrificed. They attempt a variety of methods to try to break the trap. Her companions range from efforts to break it, to resignation to be the one to sacrifice. These are characters I have been playing for my daughter for years and she has grown to love them.

My daughter starts quietly sobbing as she realizes there isn't anything her character can do. My wife sees and hears all of this. I let her (11) feel the range of emotions as she is in what seems to be an impossible situation.

I tell her that while she does have companions that said they were willing, she could decide that this is where her character’s story ends in a heroic sacrifice. She starts sobbing. This would mean a permanent end to a 3 year story. I ask her if she wants to take a break to think. She nods and goes to her room.

My wife then, clearly upset, tells me that I should not have done this and to present her with a solution that doesn't have consequences. I didn't want to cheapen the gravity of the story.

I go to my daughter's room and ask how she is Tearfully she says she knows what she will do. We start the game again and she announces in character that she couldn't live with herself if she let her friends die, and touches the hag device that will kill her.

I change the music to an ethereal soundtrack and narrate her seeing herself as if outside her body and the sacrifice she was willing to make restores her shattered soul with such magnitude and force that it breaks the Hag’s trap and that her character felt an overwhelming sense of wholeness as her soul heals with this act of sacrifice.

I see my daughter's visible shock, relief and then joy as I narrate the captured girl released and her own life and soul intact having broke the Hag’s magic. She jumps from her chair and hugs me sobbing I'm crying too. I'm not sure my wife has forgiven me though. She is really mad I put our daughter through this. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Evinshir said:

YTA. Even if this wasn't about an 11yo, this is the worst kind of DMing because you're forcing a tone that you want rather than what your players want. If as a DM you see your players are getting genuinely upset, the smart thing to do is change tact to keep the game going. Your daughter was getting distressed and you were forcing a cruel decision onto her shoulders that she clearly wasn't ready to deal with.

You need to apologize to her, and give some thought as to why you couldn't change direction so that she would continue to enjoy the game. From her perspective you betrayed the social contract that your game was built on.

You had only one solution to a puzzle deliberately set up so that there was only one viable choice and it was a hokey hero sacrifice decision. This is bad DMing. Role-playing is a collaborative experience and a good DM rewards creativity, and avoids railroading their players.

You are not teaching that decisions have consequences. You are cheapening sacrifice by pushing the idea that trying to find other solutions is a waste of time. All in all, it wasn't a learning moment, you were just pushing a restrictive personal ideology on your daughter rather than telling a good story. Just really poor form IMHO.

AintAintAW0rd said:

That is a darker theme that would likely be rated PG-13 if it were in a movie. And anything in a 3-yr campaign carries much more impact than a movie. Imo, the theme is too mature for an 11 yo. Maybe a 14 yo would be ready for it. Soft YTA.

Avarenda said:

Look...I see what you were trying to do. I would even argue that you were successful in teaching your daughter a valuable life lesson. It was a wonderful bit of storytelling that im sure she will remember for years to come. Now. Having said that.

You made your daughter cry. You intentionally inflicted emotional pain on her for a narrative arc. You. You did that. To your daughter, who i assume you love. D&D is supposed to be about having a fun narrative experience with friends and family.

Key word FUN. Do you think she was having fun when she ran to her room crying? You sound like a great DM, but I don't know if in this instance you were a great father. For that, and that alone, YTA.

Harry_Flame said:

YTA. I love D&D, and I don’t think it’s good to overly coddle children, but I do feel this was a bit much for an 11 year old. Of course, maturity varies greatly by child, but I still feel based on her reaction that she wasn’t ready for this.

To expand, you made her choose 1-2 characters that she has grown emotionally attached to over 3 years to DIE. I don't really see how you thought this was going to go unless you forgot you were DMing for a literal 11 year old.

NapalmAxolotl said:

11 seems a little young for this. I would be on your side if she was 15. Also, I would think it more reasonable if she had only been playing this campaign for a short time. But these are characters she's been really closely attached to since she was 8. So YTA.

madra_crainn said:

YTA because your wife was upset and your focus was on not cheapening the gravity of the story. As parents you're supposed to be a team. You knew the story was going to be sad and upsetting, and I assume you believe your kid has the emotional maturity and resilience to ultimately find it satisfying and cathartic.

Obviously your wife did not, at least not in that moment when it was unfolding. Maybe she would have come around to your view if she had some time to reflect on it, but that's hard to do over the sounds of a sobbing 11 year old.

Maybe your wife would have appreciated it if you checked in with her ahead of time when you knew you were going to incorporate this high stakes dramatic twist, and could talk through your thinking, and also what your plan would be if it didn't work out okay. The story itself seems fine, a lot of kids like that type of emotional roller coaster. I hope your kid is one of them.