'AITA for making my mom cry after telling her what I thought of her husband?'
"AITA for making my mom cry after telling her what I thought of her husband?"
I (28F) have never liked my stepfather (60 something). They got married when I was already 18. He is the type of privileged guy who looks down on wait staff and thinks refugees should just “work harder” if they want to make it. Typical entitled prick. Since the beginning he has never made any effort to get to know me.
Despite that, sometimes he would try and jokingly roast me the way my siblings do to each other. But we do that because we’re close - but he’s seriously never even done as much as ask me how my day went so I don’t know why he’d do that. I am close to my mother so I’m largely civil. Sometimes I roll my eyes in his face though. I hate him.
I live abroad but happened to be home for the holidays this year. I was talking to my mother and she randomly mentioned that her and my stepfather can’t wait to be grandparents. I asked if he had kids I didn’t know about. She looks confused and says “no, the baby you will one day have”. I stared at her for a bit and asked if she was serious.
She said “it’s not that he’s trying to replace your father as grandfather but it would be nice to acknowledge him as a grandfather especially after everything he’s done for us. It’s not easy to marry a single mother of 4.” I should add here that my father is still around and pays for 50% of the expenses and my mother makes good money so it’s not about money. That’s just what she said.
I lost it. I told her if she wants to acknowledge that, it’s fine, but she should get him a best husband card because he has never been anything like a father to me or even a friend.
I told her that I’ve been in therapy because of him, because I didn’t understand why he thought it was okay to banter with me even though he was a stranger to me, and it started to cut deep that my refusal to accept him as a parent was pushing myself and my mother apart.
I learned in therapy that it was the responsibility of her and my stepfather to try and build a bond, but they didn’t make any effort to start that relationship. Relationships may go both ways but I was the teenager in the situation. A teenager who already had a father and didn’t want another.
I told her I don’t like people who don’t have empathy for people struggling economically, and he’s never done anything positive to improve my view on him, so over my dead body he will be considered the grandparent of my future child.
I basically blew up because it’s been over ten years of her trying to make me see him as another parent when I have a perfectly good father, and it was difficult for me to see my once close relationship with my mother dwindle as a result.
She cried, my stepfather is avoiding me and it’s kind of awkward. But all my siblings agree with me, with one saying I should have just kept it to myself to keep the peace. But this isn’t the first time I have expressed discomfort about his actions and the “stepparent” relationship being forced on me.
For an example of the roasting I’m talking about, I would be at the dinner table trying to do a wordle or something. He would walk past and out of nowhere say “why are you playing wordle, I thought it was only for people who liked using their brains?” Then he’d laugh and walk off. Like if that was my brother I might laugh but again we are not close. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
He’s not a stepfather, he’s her mother’s husband. OP was an adult when they married and he has since done nothing to develop a relationship on pretty much any basis except as a part time bully. Where in the world is this “grandfather” thing coming from?
You’ve been in therapy over the guy your mom married when you were an adult? Because he’s privileged?
You made some broad accusations about his character but didn’t really give any examples but seems like it boils down to “my mom married a guy that has different political beliefs” so I hate him and go to therapy because of it. Let’s be honest - there is nothing he could have done or could do to change the relationship
babygrogu OP:
Ah - my original reason for going to therapy is because my mother was trying to make him another parent and because I was refusing, my relationship with my mother was suffering. I didn’t understand why she was forcing this relationship when our beliefs don’t align and he doesn’t make any effort, he just sort of insults me.
Sorry, I sort of wrote this all in one go and it’s a bit all over the place so I should have made that clearer.
I agree with your one sibling that there was no reason to go off on her about how much you dislike him. You've said he has some obnoxious views, but haven't said what he does that's so horrible he warrants you berating him to your mother after 10 years of marriage.
He's cared for her and made her happy for ten years, so that's one thing in his favor. I mean, you're not telling us stories about how he's a^&%$ve or mean or aggressive.
It sounds like you just bottled stuff up to the point it became more severe than it needed to be. He may have faults, but you handled that badly. (edited to correct a typo where I stated the opposite of what I meant)
babygrogu OP:
That’s basically why I thought I might be the a&^%ole and decided to post. That’s really all that’s wrong with him, the obnoxious views and the fact that he insults me. He’s not abusive or anything. I’m sure he’s nice to my mother.
My issue has always been that he doesn’t put any effort into knowing me… he’s only ever insulted me… yet my mother keeps trying to push a parental relationship on me and they both feel he is entitled to play grandparent to my future child despite a complete lack of effort. My feelings haven’t been a secret and I’ve made every effort to be cordial. But I wasn’t sure if I overreacted.
Has she ever had the grandchildren talk with any of your other siblings or are you the only girl and therefore responsible to give them grandchildren?
babygrogu OP:
I’m the eldest and the only one age appropriate and in a serious relationship! So I assume that’s why she’s only approached me 😅
NTA I was in the same boat as you. Father remarried about a year after my mother died. His wife is someone that I just do not like as a person and she's never really made any effort. The shocked Pikachu faces when I informed them that she would not be "Grandma" were hysterical to me.
The assumption was absolutely astounding. A few siblings stupidly volunteered their opinions but that was shut down immediately. They no longer offer their opinions, my father's wife is simply that and life went on as normal.
babygrogu OP:
I hope to be able to maintain the same boundaries as you! Sorry you went through it too, it sucks.
Wait, so you're in therapy over him simply because you dislike that he has values that are repugnant to you? I don't even know what to say to that, but I can't vote NTA without knowing more about why you're in therapy over a guy that wasn't in your life before you turned 17 and who you talked to your mom about simply because he lacks empathy and is a jerkwad.
Ah I should really rewrite that part, it’s not clear at all but feels a bit weird to edit after so many judgements 😅 My original reason for going to therapy is because my mother was trying to force this relationship even though literally the only contact we had was him trying to banter with me… aka insulting me. And since I was refusing, my relationship with my mother was suffering. We were really close.
You learned in therapy that it was solely your parent and stepparent’s job to build a relationship with you? When you were literally an adult? I’d get my money back on that. That is horrible counsel. Relationships always require effort from both sides. That’s why it’s called a relationship.
You would be right, if both parties wanted a relationship. OP didn't want one, though. Her mom and stepdad wanted the relationship, so yeah, it was their responsibility to make the effort to build it. OP is not responsible for building a relationship she didn't ask for.
You’re getting downvoted but that’s basically what therapy told me. They said because I was a legal adult living outside of home who already has a father, any relationship with him would be a bonus that they need to work for. It’s something they want, not me. And it’s not right for them to entitle themselves to one without trying to bond with me.
Youre in therapy because of banter? you’re almost 30 years old what else has he done to you for you to hate him? Just that he’s an AH in general.
This was my thought. She seems pretty entitled herself.
babygrogu OP:
Do you mind explaining why? I’d love a different perspective. To me, they are the entitled ones for assuming a paternal relationship without working for it. I already have a father, I’m not interested and I don’t appreciate being pressured into having a “bonus father” when he’s never even been nice to me.
Yea she is entitled. I wonder what she does to help refugees since it’s so close to her heart…. Or is she like most ppl n think because she doesn’t bash them verbally that’s somehow supporting ppl in need. Her step dad didn’t physically abuse her molest her beat her mother he married a woman with 4 kids that aren’t his…. I’ll leave that there.