Maid of honor fails at duties after warning the bride, 'she set me up.' AITA?

"AITA for failing my duties as MOH even after warning the bride I wasn’t prepared to take on the responsibility?"

2 months ago I was MOH at my friend’s ("B") wedding. I was touched to be asked but hesitant to accept because I was/am not in the right place where I felt I could contribute the typical MOH responsibilities.

I was honest about this from day 1 and made it clear I would step down w/ no hard feelings if B wanted to ask someone else. She told me that it was okay & it would be a small, non-traditional wedding anyway. All she wanted was for me to stand next to her on her big day, so I accepted & did exactly that.

During the reception I was making conversation w/ the groom’s friends & heard all about the extravagant bachelor party they’d thrown for him. The best man’s girlfriend asked me what I’d done for the bride & I had to admit I hadn’t organized any celebration for her.

The atmosphere with that group felt awkward after that & I could tell the girlfriend was judging me. In another conversation one of B's aunts mentioned how beautiful B's dress was & asked me where "we" found it. I told her I wasn't the one who took her dress shopping & the aunt looked surprised & said "But aren't you the MOH?"

A couple weeks later when B & her husband ("H") came by to deliver a thank-you card for my gift, I felt that H was being a bit standoffish. The next time I saw him (at the grocery store – B wasn’t with him) he kind of blew me off when I said hi & I knew then that something wrong.

So I called B & asked if there was something going on with H. She played dumb at first but long story short I got her to admit he was upset w/ me for not putting more “effort” into the wedding stuff. Turns out his friends & B’s parents agree with him and think I should have been more involved.

I asked B what she thought & she said that while she wasn’t mad at me, she could “see where they were coming from.” When I reminded her how she told me herself all she wanted me to do was stand next to her during the ceremony, she replied along the lines of “Well, I thought you'd be up to doing more the closer we got to the wedding!”

I apologized for disappointing her and left the conversation at that. We haven’t spoken since and I’m worried there’s now a rift between us. I don’t want to make it worse by getting defensive but I’m feeling kind of resentful.

Looking back on the months leading up to the wedding it felt like B set me up to fail by telling me I wasn’t expected to be involved with things I apparently was. Was I supposed to be a mind reader? I made it clear what I was able to contribute & believed B when she told me it was enough.

I bounced all this off of my mom and sister today to get their opinions. My sister thinks it was on B to communicate w/ me if she wanted more from her MOH, but my mom thinks I should've declined being MOH if I couldn’t handle the "basic" duties. Now I feel like maybe I was a bad MOH/friend but I’m still frustrated that B didn’t tell me what she wanted before it was too late. Am I in the wrong here?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Goalie_LAX_21093 said:

So, these days, to be in a wedding party, VERY clearly there area LOT of expectations placed on these roles. And from that perspective, I can see why the bride might have thought you'd do SOMETHING.

But...I actually read her initial response to you and thought "how refreshing" - a bride who isn't caught up in all the "rules" and just wants her good friend to be next to her. Because honestly, in the end, THAT'S what your wedding party should be about - surrounding yourself with people you love and want them there.

It shouldn't be about who can fulfill "duties." But obviously she wasn't quite so relaxed about it afterall, and she needs to own some of that. If she actually did want more from you, she should have spoken up.

You were honest with her. And did she have other bridesmaids? THey could also have stepped up to organize stuff. Yes, usually the MOH spearheads stuff - but the other COULD step up if they wanted.

Even if the bride had hoped you do more - I think it's REALLY crappy that she's not doing more to defend you. She should be telling her husband and family that she told you it was fine to just be there the day of.

[deleted] said:

NTA. You were very, very clear about what you could do from the beginning. People act like their wedding is this huge thing in everyone else's lives, and it's really not lol.

harleycaprice said:

Nta. You did exactly what the bride asked you to do. She knew you couldn’t do anything more. I doubt she was upset until everyone else started saying you were wrong.

RobinFarmwoman said:

NTA. You did exactly what she asked you to do. You explained your limitations. You offered to drop out if she was not happy with your role. You acted like an adult, in other words.

Tell your mother to stand down. There is no way at all to know what the "Standard Duties" are for an MOH these days. There are so many different cultures, so many different budgets, and so many different styles of weddings. Every wedding is unique, as every couple is. So the only way to know what they want you to do is for them to talk to you about it.

When you were busy expressing your limitations would have been an ideal time for your friend to tell you what kinds of things she had hoped you could take part in. Then you could have had a realistic adult discussion of whether the role was right for you at this point in your life.

She chose to assume that somehow you would magically catch the psychic wave of her wedding at some unknown point in the future. This was stupid of her, and now she's not being a good friend by allowing her new in-laws and hubby to run you down over it. You'll have to decide how to handle that, but you are definitely NTA.

Jendy86 said:

NTA - you said from the beginning that you wouldn't be able to fulfill typical MOH duties, and she still insisted. You were told that she just wanted you to stand up with her, and you did that, therefore, you fulfilled the required duties.

Her saying “Well, I thought you'd be up to doing more the closer we got to the wedding!” was not okay of her. If she expected certain things, she should have communicated that from the beginning and not left it up to a nebulous hope that you would suddenly be filled with spirit of wedding planning and jump in feet first.

And those of you saying you shouldn't have put it on the bride to make the decision... excuse me? It's the bride's wedding, it is ABSOLUTELY on her to make that decision. If a bride doesn't want responsibility for what goes on in her wedding, she shouldn't have a wedding. If she doesn't like that someone can't fulfill those duties, then she should relieve of them of the duties.

The wedding industry has filled so many folks' heads with all kinds of expectations for weddings, and it's honestly unreal. This said while I am five days away from a bridal shower I had to help plan for an upcoming wedding in which I'm a bridesmaid.

nakedfotolady said:

NTA. She told you she only wanted you to stand beside her. She doesn’t get to be bothered by you not doing anything beyond what she asked for. If she wanted a MOH who did all that, she could’ve asked for it. And she needs to advocate for you with her spouse and family because allowing them to shit on you for something she didn’t tell you to do is BS.