'AITA for telling my wife that if I waited for her to make memories with our son, we wouldn't have any?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my wife that if I waited for her to make memories with our son, we wouldn't have any?"
Last weekend, I (39M) helped my son (14M) dye his hair purple. (Or, my good friend who actually knew what he was doing helped dye my son's hair while I was there for music requests and object fetching.) It was such a fun day, and I could tell how happy it made my boy.
Now, the issue is, I didn't tell my wife before we did this, and that was the catalyst to the fight we are currently having. But, for me, it is so much more than just this one incident.
My wife has been hands off with our child for a while now. His soccer games, little road trips to nearby amusement parks, back to school shopping. She's too busy with work, or too tired from work. So, I've mostly just stopped having the conversations. Why would I waste my breath to have the same conversations on repeat?
The night we dyed his hair, she started crying while we were talking saying we were making all of these memories without her. I asked he what she expected me to do. If we waited for her to make memories, we would be sitting in a dark room 100% of the time.
My son isn't even really comfortable with her anymore. There is no 'I can't take you, go ask your mom.' Now it's, 'I'm sorry I can't take you, let me see if (friend) is free that day.'
My wife isn't speaking to me now, and I'm wondering if I took it too far. I don't know. I was hoping some brutal honesty would change something. I would've loved having more kids, but I guess it's for the best now that she said no.
Later the same day, the OP returned with an update.
I’m a stay at home dad. The original plan was for me to start working again when our son went to kindergarten, but my wife was gunning for a promotion around that time and asked me to stay out home longer.
Once she got the promotion, her hours increased, so that time was extended once again. I am responsible for all the household chores and general home-making tasks. I cook, clean, do all the yard work, all the grocery shopping, etc.
I do enjoy being a stay at home dad, but I’ve been ready and willing to rejoin the workforce for a decade now. At this point, I will be getting a job when my son turns 16 and can get himself to and from school.
But my wife still refuses to cut her hours even if I get a job, and gets frustrated every time I bring it up. There is no point in me forcing my son to ride the bus or figure out a ride for himself if my wife still won’t make the effort or compromise in order to spend time with him.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA.
At least you are there for your son. He deserves at least one of you to remember he exists.
How true one day they’re 4 and next both graduating University. Blink of an eye. So glad I was there for majority of it all and why still have an amazing relationship with both my adult children.
Plus it's the summer holidays, this is the time to do the silly stuff like dye your hair purple when there's no school rules to deal with. By the time he's 16 he'll be doing this stuff with friends and not his parents so that window is closing.
Listen, this could easily be a gender swapped story. There are so many aitahs about wives who've stopped trying to artificially create moments for their husbands to be dads. And you are just as NTA as they are.
Being a parent is so much more than financial support, it's about emotional presence. You are there for your son, and it hurts him each time your wife has said she doesn't have time to be there for him that it now hurts him less to ask.
Your son is the priority, not your wife's feelings. She is reaping the consequences of being a parent in finances only. Keep parenting your son, don't hold back your love for him to make her feel less guilty. NTA.
NTA. Time doesn’t stop just because someone is busy. Every one else’s lives keep on moving.
NTA. Your kid cannot go into stasis until your partner magically has time. Literally nothing works that way. The things you do now are the childhood memories your child is going to have.
My ex was super checked out on the kids until we divorced. It was like he kind of realized that he wasn't being that bad, because if he was that bad, I would leave, and me saying I was leaving upended his denial.
(This got my career moving again and now I do sometimes have to say no to my kids because of work, but I try to create time for them around work obligations, AND their dad is now available.) There is no guarantee it works that way for everyone.
So, I guess, do what you're doing. Have the moments with your child as they come at you, and tell your wife that the only way she gets those moments is to take them. Some of my best times with my kids have been tiny, tiny things. Stand by the front door and yell that you're going to the store for snacks and twenty bucks will get you a half hour of delightful teenage company.
YTA a little bit here. You’re the stay at home parent and she’s out working full time. She’s taking the load of the financial responsibility for the family. You’re supposed to be partners, if she’s overwhelmed and overworked isn’t the appropriate conversation a how can I help rather than chastising her for not being there?
I know there will be someone who will say oh you wouldn’t say that if the genders were reversed but yeah, I would. Your son is 14 now. He doesn’t need daycare that costs the earth. Get a part time job, step up and share some of the family responsibilities.
I swear someone needs to sit down the entire group of Reddit users and tell them that relationships shouldn’t be this hard. You’re supposed to be there for each other. Ugh I’m putting myself in a Reddit time out for the day, I’m done with the weirdness of people.