'AITA for making my fiancé choose between his brother and me?'

"AITA for making my fiancé choose between his brother and I, and break up with him when he chose his brother?"

My fiancé 24(M) and I 24(F) would've been together for 4 years and engaged for 1 year this December. We've been living together for 3 years since he moved to the US from Mexico. We lived in my small studio for a while, and shortly after, we moved to a bigger 1 bedroom apartment. Two years ago, his siblings (one 30s(F) and one 17(M)) came to visit us for the first time when we were at that apartment.

Everything was fine until my fiancé's brother dropped some big news out of nowhere. All 4 of us were walking around the mall and having a good time when he suddenly started thanking me for letting him stay with us. He wasn't thanking me for letting him stay while they visited, he made it clear he would come back later that year and was going to stay with us indefinitely.

He never asked me directly if he could, and my fiancé (boyfriend at the time) never checked with me either. When he was thanking me I just faked that I already knew about him living with us in the future because I imagined he asked my fiancé to ask me in his behalf.

But he never did. It hurt me so much that he didn't consider me in what I think is a big decision, especially since we were also going to help him financially for a while until he could work and help us with a little bit of rent.

So I tried to not make a big deal out of the situation, let him sleep on the sofa because we were still in the 1 bedroom apartment, and welcomed him with open arms because I would've wanted someone to help me the same way when I moved to the US.

Fast forward to the present, he's still living with us after 2 and a half years, and my sister 19(F) is now also living with us. We are now living in a 3 bedroom apartment because of it. The issues have existed for almost the entirety of the time his brother has lived with us.

I think it all started with him eating everything in sight, my fruit for my smoothies, finishing up my ingredients for my baking, eating the snacks I was slowly eating, and he would never replenish or buy what he had finished.

I initially let it slide because I wasn't clear with him that I needed those things for a recipe or that I bought them specifically for me, so I tell him to at least let me know when he finished something so I can buy it again the next time I go grocery shopping. He never did, and kept doing the same thing.

It got to the point where I had to write my name on my food on my own apartment and told him he couldn't eat what had my name. And it also wasn't like there was nothing else to eat, there was a pantry full of other food to choose from.

He still ate my food and he didn't stop until one early morning I woke him and my fiancé up to "scold" them, because when I wanted to make my smoothie before going to work that morning there was no frozen fruit left, and the empty bag left in the freezer.

I woke my fiancé up too because he had dismissed my complaints about his brother all this time and always sided with his brother saying that "you don't deny food to anyone". We're all Mexican, food sharing is a big part of our culture, and I think it's also fair to mention that we both grew up poor, so that probably influenced his opinion in the food matter. But of course, it didn't stop there.

He would never take napkins out of his pockets when he washed his clothes, so the laundry machine, the dryer, and the hallway to the laundry room were constantly filled with pieces of wet and dry napkins. Pieces that he would never pick up, and something he would do over and over again no matter how many times I told him to check his pockets before washing his clothes.

He used to leave dirty dishes around the apartment, and now that he has his own bedroom he lets dirty dishes pile up in there. He keeps stuff in his room like, scissors, kitchen utensils, glue, tools, etc. Which means I end up looking around for stuff that I need for at least half an hour.

He does this so much that I had to buy doubles of everything, because again, he wouldn't stop doing it, no matter how many times I told him. Every once in a while he accidentally locks my cat in his bathroom and bedroom without food, water, and his litter box because he's never paying attention to his surroundings.

He trims his hair every week and doesn't shake it off from his clothes before washing them, so my sister has found his hairs in her underwear when she washes her clothes. We know it's his hair because 1. he is constantly trimming it, and 2. he's the only one with curly hair. All this and MANY more things have been driving me and my sister crazy.

He doesn't change his behavior no matter how many times we talk to him about it. The only good things he does is, wash dishes, sometimes take out the trash, and clean the kitchen.

The issue with my fiancé, well ex-fiancé now, is that he has always been on his side, and only tells him something about it when I tell him to do so. Naturally, after all this and me wanting some privacy back in my own apartment, I want his brother to move out.

He has been working long enough to save up money, and we only ask him to help with $400 a month for rent, utilities, and food, and my sister recently started helping us with $300 a month since that's the quantity his brother started helping us with at the beginning. My ex-fiancé and I have talked about this at least 2 or 3 times before, and it seemed like we were on the same page the last time we spoke about it.

He said he understood me when one morning that I was alone in the apartment he saw me through the camera walk out to the living room, braless with only a shirt and panties on. He said he understood what type of privacy I wanted back.

Besides, I have never felt comfortable sleeping together when there is someone else in the house, because I have to be careful to not make noise, his brother's bedroom is right beside ours, and it's probably the thinnest wall in the apartment because I can hear him talk to himself all the time.

This year I've been dealing with his brother all by myself because he's in another state doing military training. Well, at least I've had my sister's help. I honestly can't deal with him anymore, so I brought up the topic again with my ex, about his brother moving out soon, in-a-couple-months-soon, not tomorrow soon.

This time he totally disagreed with me, he said it was unfair for his brother, that he still wanted to help him out. I told him he could still help him out, just not in this apartment. He said that it was only fair for him to move out when my sister moved out.

I don't think that's fair because my sister has been staying with us for only a year when his brother has been with us for 2 years and a half, so I want to give my sister the same amount of time to save up money before moving out.

His brother is now 20 years old making no effort to move out and has been working all this time, meanwhile, my sister who has only been working consistenly for around 4 months (because she recently graduated HighSchool, therefore, she didn't have much time to work before graduating) is already buying her own stuff for when she moves out, making the effort to move out as soon as possible.

My ex, all of a sudden, no longer wanted to support me in this decision. It hurt so much, especially after I thought we had figured this out. It felt like he didn't have my back, and would always choose his family over me. I hate to be the person to make someone choose between one person or the other, but every time he said it wasn't fair for his brother, I kept thinking and saying "this isn't fair for me."

I kept thinking, "if this is about fairness, he was never fair to me from the start, he forced me to accept his brother into our daily and personal life because I loved him too much to not support him in almost all his decisions". Even when he had done that to me, I made sure to ask if it was okay with him if my sister stayed with us for a while, and he fully agreed with it.

I told him that either his brother moves out, or I do. He kept saying it wasn't fair. I told him to tell me so I could apply to an available apartment in the same apartment complex before somebody else got it. After giving him multiple chances to tell me to stay, that he would talk to his brother, he said "do what you gotta do". To me that was a clear answer, he would always choose his family over me.

And that's not the kind of marriage that I want. I understood he would never defend me or our future kids against his family if it ever came to it. He would always listen to them first, me second, even if I was his new chosen family. All that previous conversation was through Facetime.

When I was filling the new apartment application, it dawned on me that maybe it was time to break up if he couldn't take my needs and wants seriously. So I decided to break up with him over text. Same as him, I also didn't expect it, I thought I couldn't, but i did. I broke up with him.

I'm so heartbroken, he didn't try to convince me not to break up with him, he didn't call afterwards, he said he was going to sleep, and I could tell that he didn't care. Or at least that's how it felt. I still love him so much, and it's killing me to have made that decision. I want him to reflect on the situation and come back to me, but I doubt that will happen.

So, AITAH for breaking up with my fiancé after he chose his brother over me?

And if he properly apologizes, should I give him another chance?

This is what people had to say to OP:

Connect_Meat7928 said:

Honestly, it’s wild that he never asked you before letting his brother move in indefinitely. That alone shows a huge lack of respect. You tried to make it work for years, but he showed you who he prioritized. It’s better you found out now than after marriage.

UnluckyCountry2784 said:

NTA. Are you sure your fiancé even likes you? He never respected you and you just accepted it. And now you think YTA? I don’t know, i think he knows that you’ll comeback to him. And you sound like you will.

ThisWeekInTheRegency said:

NTA and don't give him another chance - I mean, how many chances have you ALREADY given him? And I'll bet you were doing all the cleaning and house admin too. There is no respect there. Your sister and you will be much happier in your own place.

Exciting-Fee4754 said:

NTA. But generally don't expect someone to apologize and come back to you if you've broken up with him. You're only setting yourself up to have your boundaries disrespected again, then you'll end up in the same situation that you have been in for the past 2.5 years.

CelticHipi1616 said;

Your fiancé is a labor digger who wants you to be his mommy who cooks and cleans for him and his brother. Leave and don’t look back. Set a good example for your sister.