'AITA for making my husband’s family leave after they showed up with an extra guest?'
"AITA for making my husband’s family leave after they showed up with an extra guest?"
My husband (36M) and I (34F) recently hosted a small, intimate dinner at our home for his family. We carefully planned everything, seating arrangements, food, and even table settings since it was meant to be a cozy evening with just close family. We invited eight people: his parents, siblings, and one cousin.
I took extra care with the menu because I have severe food allergies to nuts and shellfish. I cooked everything myself to avoid cross-contamination, and my husband helped plan the dishes accordingly. Since it was a sit-down dinner with a pre-planned meal, it wasn’t the type of gathering where you could just “add another plate” last minute.
An hour before dinner, my MIL texted me, saying she was bringing my husband’s aunt (her sister) because “she was in town and had nowhere else to go.” I was immediately uncomfortable.
This aunt has mocked my allergies before, saying she doesn’t “believe in all that nonsense” and even once tried to convince me to “just take a bite” of a dish containing nuts because she thought I was exaggerating.
I texted MIL back, politely but firmly, saying, “I’m so sorry, but we don’t have extra seating or enough food planned for another guest. I hope you understand.” She didn’t respond. Instead, she just showed up with the aunt anyway.
When I opened the door and saw her standing there, I felt my stomach drop. MIL was all smiles, acting like nothing was wrong, and said, “It’s just one more person! We’ll squeeze in.”
I reminded her that we didn’t have enough food, and more importantly, I didn’t feel comfortable having someone who has disrespected my food allergies at my dinner table. My husband’s aunt laughed and said, “Oh, don’t worry, I won’t poison you!” in a sarcastic tone. She then turned to my husband and said, “Is she always this uptight?”
At that moment, something inside me snapped. This wasn’t just about the extra guest, it was about the complete disrespect for my boundaries and health. I turned to my MIL and said, “I told you we didn’t have room for another person, and yet you still showed up. I don’t appreciate being ignored in my own home. If you can’t respect that, you’re welcome to leave.”
Silence. Then MIL’s face turned red, and she said, “Are you seriously kicking us out over ONE extra plate? This is beyond rude.” My husband’s siblings jumped in, calling me dramatic and ungracious, saying I could have “made something extra” or “just dealt with it.” But I stood my ground. I told them that I wasn’t okay with my boundaries being ignored, and if they couldn’t accept that, they didn’t have to stay.
At that point, my MIL scoffed, grabbed her purse, and stormed out. The rest of the family followed, grumbling about how I “ruined dinner” over something “so small.” My husband didn’t say much during the argument, but after they left, he told me he understood my frustration but thought I could have handled it more tactfully instead of outright telling them to leave.
Now, his family is furious with me, saying I was cold, inhospitable, and made a scene over something trivial. MIL even called my husband later, saying she was hurt that we “chose to humiliate her over something so minor.”
My husband still supports me, but he also admitted he wishes I had handled it differently to avoid this huge rift. So, AITA for refusing to accommodate an unexpected guest and making them leave when they ignored my clear boundaries?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA... if your husband wish that you handled it differently, he could have stood up for you then and there so why didn't he?
If he wished you had handled it differently, why didn’t he handle it instead? I’d like to know how he thinks this should have been handled.
I’d have slapped a can of Alpo on a plate and called it handled myself.
The issue wasn't the additional plate. The issue is someone who disrespects you doesn't get to be a guest in your home. NTA.
You have a husband problem. He should have been the one to step forward and say, "We told you not to bring an extra guest." This will eventually blow over, but you should never again have a dinner party for his family. And, be extremely careful about attending any meals they prepare. NTA.
It turns out that when you say no to someone and establish boundaries they need to respect that. If they can't respect that, they're disrespectful twats. Perhaps ask you MIL why she thought it was okay to bring the aunt along when you had clearly said no? Don't accept "oh it's just one extra plate" or "we can squeeze in." No, why did you think it was okay to bring her when I said no? Direct and necessary.
You kind of are TA. As someone who regularly does multi course plated menus for dinner parties, I’ve never been unable to accommodate a last minute addition. Even if you have only cooked precisely the correct quantities, you cheat each plate a little bit to make space for an extra. The point of hosting graciously is to always be gracious even when the guests are not.
I am leaning towards ESH. You do get to have your boundaries and stand by them, but you did jump really harshly. Did everyone know that you planned a unique dinner with seating arrangements like at a fancy function or did they think they were coming to your house for a family dinner.
I could not imagine turning down a family member who was visiting everyone that was coming over and only ever cooking enough food to serve exactly 8 people and not a bite more, so that would seem weird to them if you didn’t express that the entire time.