'AITA for making my FIL explain his 'joke' about me being dumb until he got embarrassed and left?'
"AITA for making my FIL explain his 'joke' about me being dumb until he got embarrassed and left?"
I (26F) dropped out of college when I was 19. Long story but basically I had to work full time to support myself and couldn't afford tuition. I'm not proud of dropping out but I also don't regret it because I did what I had to do to survive. I worked my way up in sales and now make really good money without a degree.
That's actually how I met my fiancé (34M). We started dating when I was 24. About 6 months in his sister "accidentally" brought up in front of his whole family that I never finished college. It was awkward af. Yes I dropped out. Yes he knows. Yes he doesn't care. He has his degree but respects that I took a different path.
After that his mom and some aunts were weird for a few months making comments about "the importance of education" whenever I was around. My fiancé eventually told them to knock it off and things got better.
He proposed last year and 4 months ago we found out I'm pregnant. We told his family right away. His siblings were happy but his mom pulled me aside and asked if I was "sure" I was ready to be a mother without a degree. I was like??? Yes??? She gave me this whole speech about how she just wants to make sure I can "provide intellectually" for the baby.
Last weekend we were at his parents house with family and friends talking about baby stuff. We were joking about what traits the baby might get. My FIL said something about how his whole family is really good at math and all his kids got that gene. Then he goes "But how do we know if the baby will be smart? Could go either way" and looks at me. Him and his brothers started laughing.
My fiancé got pissed but before he could say anything I was like "I don't get it." FIL goes "You know because intelligence runs in families." I said again "I don't get the joke, explain it."
He got nervous and was like "It's just a joke OP come on." I kept saying "But everyone laughed so it must be funny, explain what's funny about it." Some of his friends started saying "Yeah that's not cool" so he got embarrassed and left the room.
Later my fiancé's BIL came up to me and said I was wrong for embarrassing FIL in his own house. That I knew what the joke meant and because I dropped out I shouldn't be surprised people question my intelligence. Now they're all saying I need to apologize to FIL. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
You could have the highest IQ out there and still don't need to go to higher learning for education. Some people learn from reading. NTA.
Some people don't read at all, and are just smart. Some people can't read at all and are smart. Intelligence has many forms, and is not synonymous with education.
NTA. You didn’t embarrass him, his joke did. Asking someone to explain a “joke” is the cleanest way to expose disrespect without raising your voice.
Message the family once, In a group chat...
"Since you seem so sensitive about it, it's pretty evident this family values knowledge but you seem to misunderstand that knowledge isn't intelligence.
A piece of paper doesn't equate to an IQ level, especially when it's obvious some people with degrees lack that. My education and history of schooling is no longer up for discussion. I won't have my child exposed to what amounts to abusive language at this point. You can either choose to be supportive and SILENT grandparents and family; or absent ones."
NTA you didn't choose to drop out and maybe fil only has an education because hiis family was in a better financial situation to begin with, if he was in your situation would he even have succeeded in being accepted.
Some of the stupidest people I've ever met graduated law with me. A degree doesn't bestow intelligence and that family sounds insufferable. NTJ at all, and hopefully FIL will now use his superior (/s) brains to think before he speaks so rudely to others in future (which is honestly a sign of bad breeding).
You, whatever kids they ever have with you ever, they, are : THEIR FAMILY that they Must: Teamwork-with, build quiet fun traditions with, accept, help provide for, value, teach serve follow lead, respect , communicate with, love, build, prioritize, and defend. NTA.
NTA, making someone explain their mean joke until they realize how awful it sounds is chef's kiss level boundary setting. The fact that he couldn't even explain it without looking like an AH proves it wasn't actually a joke, it was just him being cruel.
NTA. FIL embarrassed himself with his comment. You did the intelligent thing when you dropped out to be able to take care of the bills. You can always go back and finish the degree or get a new one. Education doesn’t care about age just about a desire to learn. I hope your fiancée stays supportive and keeps backing you up. His family sounds horrible.
An education only means someone had enough brains to pass. A very intelligent person may never get to go to school but it doesn't in any way reflect on their IQ. If this family brings it up again in a way that they try to pass it off as a joke, just say well, we know where our child's rudeness gene make come from.
This is exactly how to deal with people like this!! Asking the question “what do you mean by that” or “explain it to me” immediately puts them on the spot, takes the embarrassment off of you and puts it on them.
Ten out of ten, round of applause, and don’t think for a single second you need to apologize. Dropping out of college does not mean you’re unintelligent and his whole family needs a dose of reality.