"AITA for making my girlfriend cry after trying to teach her to set a boundary?"
"AITA for making my girlfriend cry after trying to teach her to set a boundary?"
My 20M girlfriend “Lilly” 18F and I have been together for 2 years. For context I’m an mma fighter and she’s a Muay Thai fighter, an absolute vicious wee thing, but she’s the softest most gentle person in the world. To the point it’s worrying. She doesn’t apply her toughness in any other aspect of her life.
Lilly feels bad for the absolute scum of the earth. She’s had a traumatic childhood and so she’s afraid of people’s anger. If someone crosses her boundaries she makes justifications for them. I’m so thankful that it’s me who’s with her and she’s safe, because so many men would take advantage of her in my position.
Last night, she told me about a guy from work who won’t leave her alone. He crosses physical boundaries and I’m only just hearing about it, Lilly told me she just says things like “what are you doing” and pulls herself away, because she’s scared of how he’s going to react and he’s a lot bigger than her. I got her to demonstrate and had me pretend to be the guy.
She said it in the softest voice you can imagine. I was getting her to practice on me by saying loudly and clearly “f off and leave me alone." A lot of guys like that are cowards and something as simple as that and gets them to, f off. My sister has been in similar situations.
Lilly started crying, saying that she just can’t bring her voice louder and she doesn’t like that I’m forcing her to shout. I felt guilty instantly so we went to bed and I told her we can talk about it in the morning.
The internet had a lot to say in response.
lordmwahahaha wrote:
All due respect: you’re speaking about dudes like this from a male pov, and it makes a huge difference. Men like this perceive women as inferior and other men as equals. Of COURSE, from your pov, they’re cowards. They see you as a peer, so they back off. This is exactly the reason we beg male allies to stand up for us.
Unfortunately this usually does not reflect how they will treat a woman. Any woman can tell you that if you try doing this, they will almost always escalate. Because now you’ve insulted them and they need to put you back in your place. They might insult you, start screaming, or even worse. But they almost always retaliate.
You mean well, but in this case you are literally asking her to put herself in more danger. This is not the way to try and build her boundaries, because this is not a boundary issue. It is a power imbalance issue. The scary reality is that he can do whatever he wants to her, there is almost nothing she can do to stop it, and both of them know that. Gentle YTA.
OP responded:
Thanks for your insight. I only have heard from a woman’s pov from hearing my sisters experiences but she is very different to my girlfriend so I see how that approach isn’t the best for Lilly.
Hellomynameisrita wrote:
Assertiveness from a smaller POV is not always about being loud and sounding vicious not even someone trained to fight. Assertiveness in this case means document and report and let the law deal with it.
You are being the opposite of supportive, pretty much doing the same thing he is, trying to dominate her and force her behaviour into a pattern you like. YTA. look outside your skill set The way you would handle this isn’t the only way, it’s not even the best way for a guy like you to handle a bully and it’s a stupid way for a small person to do so.
OP responded:
Thanks for your insight.
Doenut55 wrote:
Wee Thing? Ew...YTA. Not only could you get her in trouble at work, but you are pushing her into a dangerous situation. No amount of training aids victims if the size difference is above a certain threshold. Your inner fighter doesn't fit every social situation and trying to make her handle this "like you would" is blindly leading her into something she may come into harm's way.
Go through the proper work channels to report this guy and stop trying to train her. Be her support partner and know full well, you aren't qualified on how women should defend themselves to s#xual harassment.
NellieFL wrote:
Perhaps instead of focusing on the physical altercation just have her go to HR and report she feels unsafe…ask for measures to ensure she is not alone with this individual. Asking your girlfriend to escalate is not the safest move here even though it may give you the most satisfaction to have him confronted directly.
Sensitive_option_155 wrote:
Respectfully, you’re kinda being TA here…as a young woman there’s lots of factors that come into responding to threats. Lilly might be in ‘fight or flight’ and unable to control her nervous systems response to the situation - which can include ‘fawning’.
I’d recommend reading up on the bodies survival responses and how people react differently in different situations. It’s not always safe to be assertive. Men are scary and she is valid in that. NTA for wanting to help - but this isn’t the approach. Ask her what she needs, what would make her feel safer, what does she want to do?
batscurry wrote:
YTA. How can you not see you're trampling all over her boundaries in your quest to get at this coworker? You're actively making the situation worse. Men can and will retaliate either physically, denying everything to HR, or trying to tank her career.
She's not asked your help, what she probably wants is emotional support. Back way the heck off and apologise. Martial arts aren't the answer and you don't have the life experience to coach her through this.