"AITA for making my husband change his gym?

I (38F) had a fight with my husband (41M) last week when I asked him to change his gym. He says it's not fair to him, but I told him it was important to me, and he agreed. As a week has passed, I am not sure if I did the right thing and want to get neutral opinion on this matter.

We have been married for 12 years and have two wonderful kids. My husband and I were into fitness when we got married. However, life and kids happened, and we slowly stopped going to gym and gained weight.

Two years ago, my husband just woke up one day and told me he wants to start going to the gym again. He is very disciplined, and not only did he lose all the excess weight, but also started gaining a ton of muscles. As if the gym was not enough, he started doing CrossFit six months ago.

His goes to CrossFit four times a week. He goes there early morning and is generally back before the kids are up. He made a lot of friends there and has generally been in a very happy mood. I won't lie but he looks amazing, and I can't believe he still gives me butterflies, even after 12 years of marriage.

Two weeks ago, my husband decided to invite all his CrossFit friends for a barbeque at our house as the weather was getting nicer. He had around 9 friends come over and it was my first time meeting this group of friends. I was mostly in kitchen working on prep while he was grilling outside. Out of his friends group, there were 5 girls and 4 guys, all in amazing shape.

Three of the girls joined me in the kitchen to help me and we were having a conversation. They were giving me all the hot tea about each of the guests in the backyard. From what I gathered, all the people in the group were between the ages 35 to 40 and all of them were single. One of the guys was married and the other three were single.

I was asking them about their relationship status and learned that many of the girls in the group had slept with one or more guys that were here. The three girls who were with me in the kitchen told me that they were all divorced and are not really interested in marriage or long-term relationship anymore.

They commented on how guys at CrossFit are hot, and discussing about how each of them was in bed (funny stories), etc. One of the girls asked me how I met my husband. They mostly wanted to know who approached who (I chased him) as they were all commenting on how shy my husband is.

One of them let it slip that he is completely oblivious when someone flirts with him. I asked it and learned that the two girls standing outside had at times tried to be very flirty with him as a fun competition to see when he will notice it. They all said that it was just a prank and complimented me on how awesome and loyal my husband is.

At the end of the night, I was talking to my husband and told him about my conversation with the girls. He told me that these people are bonkers, but they are fun to hang out with at the gym. I asked him about if the two girls were really flirting with him.

He said he did not initially notice but then it became too obvious, and he thought that if he does not react, then they will stop and move on to the next "victim". This all made me feel very uneasy. It may be my insecurities about my own body, but I do not want these girls with amazing bodies flirting with my husband. I know he will never reciprocate, but I just don't think they are a good idea.

I talked about this with him and he me that all he cares about is getting a good workout. We had a fight when I told him to either stop being friends with these "horny" single people or change the gym. He did not take it well and started resisting it. I eventually told him this is my red line and I do not want him to hang out with girls who are single and ready to pounce on anyone with a hot body.

We had a big fight, but eventually he told me he will change the gym at the month end, as it would be super awkward to go to this gym and suddenly stop interacting with people. As I have calmed down, I feel bad to make him do something that he might resent me for. Hence, I wanted an objective opinion.

AITA to make my husband stop hanging out with these girls when I know for a fact that my husband will never be disloyal to me? I know it's my insecurities, but I just don't feel comfortable to have him around half naked beautiful girls who would be ogling him and flirting with him as a game (even after knowing he has a wife and two kids).

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

bandanadeprisonmike said:

I actually think it would be better to reframe this entire situation. What if your husband invited them over so that those women could see exactly how disinterested in them he actually was?

These women got to see his entire family, his home, and watched him interact with his wife, who he loves. Idk about you but i definitely interact differently with my partner than my friends; hugs, kisses, holding hands, etc.

In fact, he loves you much that he will drop his gym, friends, and routines just to satisfy your insecurities. I dont think it was fair to ask this, and i wouldnt be surprised if he has women fauning over him at his new gym too.

BeckCraft said:

Better for him to be around the people you know and have met and know he's married then sending over to a new gym where you don't know what or who's waiting for him over there.

Stunning_Mediocrity said:

So your husband did the right thing and was faithful to you and you decided to punish him for it? Yes you are wrong and yes he will resent you.

AcrobaticMechanic265 said:

If your husband is gonna cheat, he doesnt need a gym. Yes you are wrong.

Paul_Michaels73 said:

Stop using your own insecurities as an excuse to punish your husband. Do you really think their aren't going to be attractive, friendly women at every gym? Or do you just expect him to only be able to be friends with those you approve of? He has already proven to you that he isn't interested in even flirting and you've projected him as being unfaithful eventually, so you are punishing him for it.

Two weeks later, she shared this first update:

I posted two weeks ago and was dragged for being insecure about my husband going to an crossfit gym, where he had friends with questionable morals. His friends told me about the hookup culture in the gym and how my husband is really loyal despite two women constantly hitting on him in the gym.

Although I did not agree with many of you, I still decided to swallow my pride and talked to my husband about my behavior and apologize. I had already made him quit the gym and he was going to quit in a month because that month was already paid for. The night of the post, I talked to him and told him about the post. He immediately read the post and was laughing hysterically at some of the comments.

He told me that my question was wrong, and he does not care if I am insecure or not. He told me that my mental peace is more important to him than his new friends and he is still planning to quit the gym. I think reading about how I felt about what his friends told me put my thoughts into perspective. He said initially felt offended that I was questioning his loyalty and got angry at me.

However, he understood my perspective on why I do not want him to be friends with those people. He said he still might hang out with them in social settings but will not meeting them regularly.

He told his friends about his decisions and lied to them that the schedule was not working out for him. Everyone was disappointed and tried to get him to continue. Many of the people guessed that I may be the reason for his sudden schedule conflicts and the women told him that they only said good things about him to me.

One of the married guys who had come to our house was talking to my husband few days ago. He was asking him if I made him quit. My husband said no, but he kept on pressing and said that my husband was stupid to call Melissa (one of the girls hitting on him) to our house. He said he found my husband's audacity crazy that I invited Melissa to our place.

My husband said he knew she was a little flirty with him, but a good buddy. This guy then tells my husband that he does not need to pretend with him, and he knew that my husband was sleeping with her. He told him he has seen how she looks at him and her body language and could tell.

My husband called him crazy and seems like Melissa told some of the people in the gym that something was going on between them and he is off-limits for others. My husband denied that and asked this guy if he knew that so many people in the group were hooking up. He said that is how CrossFit gyms work, and he also had slept with a few women in the group.

He said he was trying to get with Melissa and that is when she told him that she is currently with my husband. What a jerk!!! My husband was laughing when telling the story and told me that he has heard that Melissa has spread rumors about him and he is glad to quit the gym.

He said he told me about that guy's conversation because he does not want me to hear anything negative about him from someone at the gym who may have heard such rumors too.

I don't know why but my insecurity intuition alarms just started to flash, and I messaged two of the girls on Instagram confidentially and asked them if she had heard such rumors.

They both told me that Melissa was my husband's best friend in the gym, and they would always hang out after the gym together and get breakfast, coffee, etc. (the gym time was early morning), and they had heard the rumors, but they were completely false. They again told me how nice my husband was and that they are going to miss him.

I know my husband is great and I trust him, but I still feel him quitting the gym is the right thing. I also am not sure if I should confront Melissa and tell her to stop lying about my husband. I think I am just going to let it go and enjoy from next month when my husband again joins our old gym (where I work out sometimes).

On a side note: I was seriously considering messaging that guy's wife about what he told my husband, but decided against it because if she asks how I know, I do not have any proof except his conversation with my husband.

She then posted this second update:

As I said in the comments, I did not find any conversations with Melissa on my husband's phone. I asked him about it 30 mins ago and he got really angry at me for still being on that subject. He said he never talked to Melissa outside their sessions and I need to let it go, since he sacrificed his friends group for me. He never gets angry at me like this, and felt like I might have crossed some line with my insecurity.

I did not tell him that I contacted his friends behind his back to ask about the rumors about Melissa. I can't shake the feeling that he is not telling me something, or that the women in his gym are lying. I do not want to go fishing into his phone again because I am worried he might find out I am still thinking about that issue. I am really not able to think what to do now.

But this wasn't the end of the story!

A month later, she shared this third update:

I had posted a month ago regarding me requesting my husband to change his gym after I learned the few of the women in his gym were flirting with him and the overall hookup culture in his friends group. I did not like the vibe and I did not feel the group was fit for a married man to be around. I also posted an update that my husband agreed to quit that crossfit gym.

He learned from one of his friends that his friend Melissa was spreading rumors about them being together. I talked to two of the girls in his gym and they both told me that although Melissa was my husband's best friend in the gym, they confirmed that the rumors were completely false. I was satisfied and decided to end the chapter.

However, after posting the happy update, a commenter suggested I should try to check the messages between my husband and Melissa to get peace of mind. I checked my husband's phone and did not find any messages between them. That seemed really strange since his friends had told me that they went out for coffee and breakfast often after the gym.

My husband got really defensive and told me he never talked to Melissa on messages. He was angry at me because I wanted to go thru all his messages. I told him that I do not care if he messaged Melissa, but the thought just passed my mind. He refused to confirm that he ever messaged Melissa and told me he only talked to her during gym hours. I let it go that night.

However, the next day, I told him that I did not like how he reacted last night. I told him I am fine with him having female friends and him hanging out with them. But I am not fine him keeping any secrets from me. I asked him if they ever hung out together outside the gym, and he denied that. He was getting angrier and angrier as I asked more questions.

I asked him about the breakfasts before coming home and Melissa might also be there. I told him I am not accusing him of anything, but just be truthful to me. He said that yes, he went to that place often to get a coffee after the gym. However, it was always the entire group and never with Melissa alone.

He started shouting at me about being insecure and accusing him. I calmly reminded him that I am the mother of his children and will not be talked to in that tone. I told him I am ready to talk to him when he wants to tell me the truth. However, I know he is hiding something from me and he needs to think long and hard if he wants to continue with the lie or tell me what happened.

He kept on denying anything happened between Melissa and him, how he would never think of being unfaithful to me and how much he loves me. The next few ways were constantly big gestures to show me how much he loves me. It was either taking care of all household chores, constantly getting chocolates or flowers for me or buying me an over-the-top gift (a diamond bracelet).

I stood my ground and could tell it in my gut that something was off. I also held back any physical intimacy until he told me the truth. Finally last Friday, our kids were at my in-law's place and my husband came to me and asked if we can sit in the backyard and talk for a bit.

He told me that he will tell me everything and answer all my questions. He asked me to promise to not get angry and hear him out. I was ready to explode but kept my calm. He told me that he liked the new gym because everyone was very friendly with each other. It's hard to make new friends at our age and these people were very welcoming and he felt young again with them.

It was fascinating for him to hear them talk about their dating life, hook ups, etc. He told himself that as long as he is keeps his boundaries with them, he should be fine. Melissa and another girl were giving him a lot of attention. He initially thought they were just being nice and friendly, before realizing they were flirting with him.

Melissa always took initiative to talk to him after the gym and started inviting him to get coffee. It was initially not just two of them, but he enjoyed her company. He says he does not know if it was friendship or if he developed a small crush on Melissa, but he liked spending time with her. He said he cannot define what he felt, but it was just fondness towards her.

He says that everything was strictly platonic, and he told himself that as long as he kept his distance, he is not doing anything wrong. They did message back and forth on Snap (that Melissa taught him how to use), but there was nothing flirty. It was more about how life was going on, Melissa complaining about stuff, etc. He feels guilty that he should have told me, but he felt that he was just being friendly.

One day, after the gym, he was waiting for Melissa to come out of the gym so that they can get some coffee. He messaged Melissa to hurry, and he send him a nude selfie from the locker room. He was shocked and as soon as Melissa came out, he told her that it was inappropriate and never do it again. He deleted Snap and stopped hanging out with her alone.

He realized he had crossed the line, and I would be really mad if he told me about it. Melissa apologized to him and told him that she misread his signals and will never do it again. She messaged him all this on Messages and he blocked her on that too, as he was scared for me finding out about it. He said he did not have any Snap messages as they disappear automatically after some time.

He was begging me not to get angry and that he did not know he crossed the line until that moment. He showed me the phone bill online, where I could see lot of messages from Melissa followed by him blocking her on that date.

He kept on apologizing to me and telling me that he did not mean to do anything wrong and may have stepped into it. He told me that I can punish him, but please not take any drastic steps and think about our kids.

I told him how upset I was at him and asked him if he liked Melissa. He said that he was intrigued by her and liked the attention but did not think about her in any romantic way. He again said that he did not know what happened to him and why he was so stupid, but as soon as he realized things became inappropriate, he immediately pulled back.

I thought about it for a while, and we talked about it. Eventually, I decided that what he did was not so bad. I mean it is ok to have crushes or friends when you are married. I know he is not capable of cheating on me and how much he loves his family. I could either trust him or not, and in this case, I trust him that he is telling the truth.

He also is oblivious when women flirt with him and bad at reading their intentions. I decided to give him a pass on this one. However, he made a promise to never lie to me or keep anything from me again. I am just glad he finally decided to come clean and told me about everything.