'AITA for making my MIL uncomfortable and embarrassed during dinner?'
"AITA for making my MIL uncomfortable and embarrassed during dinner?"
We had Thanksgiving today instead of tomorrow due to clashing schedules. My husband and I agreed that he wasn't going to invite his mom due to conflicts in the past involving food.
She takes food before everyone (we feed the kids first in this household) and then takes off with Tupperware of our food without even saying goodbye and there have been multiple times there wasn't much food left to go around after this.
She has food insecurities and hoards food. Real problem BUT it is not MY problem and shouldn't be made to be mine either. So, I take issue. Obviously. Because usually it's me going hungry because I am always the last to eat here (family of 6, 4 kids, I serve my kids and then my husband and then myself).
Now, my husband did not invite his mother but she caught wind somehow and showed up. Neither me or my husband said anything because we didnt want to cause issue so no, we did not kick her out. When dinner was done I called the kids over by saying "kids, food". MIL immediately jumps up from the couch to get to the front of the line and starts attempting to dig in.
I said "I'm sorry but are you a child? No? Go sit down and wait your turn." Her face goes bright red and she goes back to the couch and crosses her arms, mumbling under her breath. When I called the adults, she stayed planted on the couch and said something like "are you sure there's even enough for me?" in a childish tone. I dont react. I choose to ignore.
She comes up a while later, grabs food, wolf's it down her throat and then goes to our cupboard for Tupperware. I ask what she thinks she's doing and she said "well Tom is at home, figured it would grab him a plate." I told her that her boyfriend that none of us have met is not our problem and she is not taking our leftovers to feed him.
She asked if she could take a plate for herself, so I said sure and exchanged the Tupperware she grabbed (one of our oversized ones) and exchanged it for a normal size container that would hold roughly two cans of soup. She asked if I was serious and I said "dead serious" and walk off. She throws the Tupperware in my sink and walks out without saying anything.
However, she did just call my husband and give him an ear-full about feeling "unwelcome" during the holidays and stated that I was acting both immature and high and mighty and embarrassed her in front of everyone (my entire family was there - so roughly 12 adults and 10 kids) and has demanded I apologize.
She was on speaker, so I calmly said that I would not apologize for making her follow the same rules as everyone else and perhaps her own entitlement to other people's food is the real issue here.
That we didnt spend $1000 for her to take $200 of it home with her and she needs to take a step back and assess her behavior. She hung up. But now my husband is radio silent and says he doesnt want to talk about it and is giving me the cold shoulder.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
goodwolf19144 wrote:
Oh, your husband is radio silent now, is he? Huh! I wonder how she "caught wind" of the early Thanksgiving that she wasn't invited to?
NTA.
OP responded:
Well, in his defense, he acted completely shocked when she walked in to our home and said "mom? What are you doing here?" And she said "I was in the neighborhood and saw all the cars. Didn't want to miss out on anything." I truly don't think he invited her. But it wouldn't surprise me if she was scouting out our home.
grayblue_grrrl wrote:
The thing is - if you don't handle your parent, your spouse will have to.
AND it will happen AFTER they are pissed off at years of mistreatment. Your husband didn't handle it and now he's mad you did.
I BET he told her about dinner.
There is no "caught wind some how."NTA.
Ganderweather wrote:
Let me guess.
YOU do all the cooking of that $1000 of holiday food expected to feed your husband, you, your three kids, along with the holiday ONE MEAL GUESTS.
Your mother-in-law, who has food insecurity issues probably from childhood, has been allowed to push her way to the front, LOAD her plate and wolf down her food before the young children and the other guests have even been served and the hostess has not been served and been seated.
Meanwhile, she has grabbed giant Tupperware from your cabinets and has put all the turkey, dressing, sweet potatoes, green bean casserole, and mac n cheese in her containers and taken a pie to her car and raced home to the latest boyfriend y'all haven't even met.
Long ago, the rule should have been NO ONE EATS until everyone has been served and a blessing or thanks of some sort offered to the higher power and/or the hostess and preparers of the food.
Since that opportunity has sailed away? OP has a husband problem. Let him sulk. I'd welcome the peace. Keep setting your boundaries and build your fence high. Meanwhile, set some money aside in case he uses this an excuse to go live with Mama and leave you and the kids with nothing but what's in your pocketbook. Keep an eye on the bank accounts.
Husband is the AH for letting his mother steal all the food his wife prepares for his own children and their guests. She does all that work and can't even count on enough to have turkey sandwiches for herself the next day while she RESTS and no mac n cheese for the kids?