Man offers ex $3K a month for full custody of daughter. She refuses, new husband says, 'Wait for me outside.' UPDATED
"AITA for making sure my daughter has everything she needs?"
I have a child(F14) with my ex. I was ordered to pay 1K a month in child support which is fine. I can afford it and I'll do anything for my child. But the problem is, isn't this money supposed to be used on my Child? I don't feel like that's the case.
I don't understand why my child wears hand me downs or eats cheap crappy food.
So I've started sending extra stuff.
Like on the days I know her mom can't give her a ride I'll get her taxi or I'll order food for her and send it to their house on the nights she tells me her mom is making nuggets or something like that.
Well, her mom thinks I'm an ass and this is causing problems in her house.
Not sure why that's my problem.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I think child support also helps pay rent and bills, as well as her clothes and food. I think buying her clothes to have there is fine, but I personally think sending food because she doesn’t like what they’re having is going too far.
Child support also pays rent, utilities, food, school needs, etc. idk where you guys live but that much may not go too far. Sounds like the mom is trying to make the most out of the money she has and gets.
Buy her clothes and snacks and give her spending money when she is with you. $1k/mo doesn’t go that far.
You shouldn’t be sending her food on nights her mom is providing it. That’s a power move and teaches your child that if she doesn’t like dinner she can go around mom to get take out. If you want to provide dinner, call mom and tell her you are sending over dinner for BOTH of them.
You need to look at the total picture. How much does mom make? is she easily affording rent and utilities? Does she come home from work at 6 pm exhausted? Child support is for the child in total: housing, utilities, food, clothes, transportation. If mom is struggling to make ends meet, fancy food and clothes are going to be low on the priority list. Criticizing her for it is not cool.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
To be honest, I'm going to start by saying that I'm very upset and frustrated from the comments. I feel like everyone was so busy with what is best for my ex that they didn't even care about what is best for my child.
As I said I have 50/50 custody and I gladly agreed to pay child support but only because I was told the money will go towards making sure my daughter has similar lifestyles in both houses and this is not what happened.
I understand my ex's situation, I really do. She is disabled and aside from my child she has an older kid from a deadbeat and 2 younger ones with her husband and she wants to treat them all equally but frankly, I don't care about them.
I don't understand her mindset of "don't send things to your daughter because it makes the other kids jealous. If you want to send something, send it for all of the kids" those aren't my kids.
I understand that 1K a month is not much money but if I'm paying for her insurance and medical bills and school and Hobbies and allowance and all of her other expenses during the 50% of the time that she is with me that means that her mom is only responsible for 50% of HER BASIC NEEDS so how hard can it be to make sure those needs are met?
I get told that she pays for "electricity and toilet paper and water bills and etc" well so do I. And if it's such a problem then from now on I will give my daughter some toilet paper to take to her mom's house.
I get told that I should also pay my ex for her "effort". For helping my daughter with homework and preparing her meals. Why? Is that not her child too? And if I'm gonna pay for every freaking thing I might as well hire a nanny who does the job well.
I don't understand the mindset of, "So what if your child is eating fast food every other night? So what if she has to walk for 30 minutes in an unsafe neighborhood?" Those are all fine until my daughter gets sick or gets kidnapped or worse.
If I can prevent it why shouldn't I? Do I really need to wait for something to happen to her? Because if I send my daughter a taxi it will hurt her kids feelings? Well I'm sorry. I don't care about her kids feelings when it comes to my child's health and safety.
I have made my decision.
I'm taking her back to court and I'm getting full custody of my child now that my daughter gets a say.
I didn't try for full custody before because I felt like it would be a selfish decision to not let her be raised by her mom at least half the time but now I feel like it would be a selfish decision not to make sure my daughter is safe and healthy and happy. And if that makes me an AH I'm just gonna have to get used to it.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
The "if you buy for one you have to buy for all" argument is insane when they're not your kids. You're already paying support for your daughter. It's on the mom to manage her household and the other kids' feelings, not you.
Do you want full or more custody? Maybe it would be better for your kid if she spent more time with you.
Extreme_Rip_6512 (OP)
Full custody. Of course she can visit her mom whenever she wants but I want her to live with me.
Please talk with your child and ask what she wants.
I saw the first post and thought it was insane how many people were against your kid getting taken care of. It didn't sound like you were trying to buy your daughter Prada or every $1000 iPhone, just basic things to make sure she has a decent childhood. Yeah, mom might feel embarrassed she can't provide as much as you, but she should be happy her daughter gets those experiences.
The simple explanation to the other kids, which isn't necessary, is that her DAD did that for her, ask YOUR OWN DAD if you want the same. My guess is the new husband has a problem with you too but that's not your problem either.
Best of luck getting custody, my Dad got custody of us when I was 12 because my mom could not financially support us. Best thing that ever happened for us.
The OP returned the following day with their final update.
I talked to my lawyer who told me that the court might not go exactly as I want, that it's likely she will get weekends custody even though my daughter wants to stay with me. I figured it would be easier to convince my ex to make the best decision for our daughter and let her stay with me.
I went to see her and we talked and I told her I'm even willing to keep paying her child support as long as she let's my daughter move in with me. I even offered to increase the amount of child support. It didn't go well.
She was screaming at me for a while saying she is not gonna lose her child for money. Her husband told me to wait for him outside. We talked for a while and he said that he wants to do what is best for all of the kids and assured me he has the power to convince his wife to let my daughter stay with me.
I genuinely don't think he gives a shhh about my child but it doesn't matter as long as I get to have full custody.
We agreed on 3K a month.
Well that was it. I hope my ex forgives me. I know she genuinely loves our daughter and doesn't want to give her up but after talking to her husband I'm even more convinced that I need to have full custody since he just so easily agreed to let me take her for some extra money.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP's final post:
Ummm…. Yikes! 😬
Edited to add: NTA - but you have just willingly been a victim of extortion.
Extreme_Rip_6512 (OP)
Yeah well it's fine. He is an idiot. I was willing to go as high as 5K.
I sleep better knowing my kid is happy and safe.
Or as soon as you have your daughter for 3 months, evidence and residency documented you can officially file for full custody depending on the process where you are located. Get strong formal legal advice and ensure your daughter is in therapy. Your daughter is your priority, thank you for putting her wants and needs first she will thank you in the future.
Are you kidding me you upped your support to 3000 a month... You damn well better go back to court after you have her a while!! This is sickening... He basically just sold you your child!!!
And this is for all you jerks who said he was a terrible father just trying to manipulate the child and the poor mom shouldn’t be judged because of her disability!! YOU WERE WRONG!!!
I’m a Mom - I applaud you for the lengths you are prepared to go to protect your daughter. Your ex-wife is more interested in being married and pushing out kids she cannot afford than the wellbeing of her daughter. Honestly, it is always the idiots that churn out children they can’t afford.
Extreme_Rip_6512 (OP)
Honestly now that I've calmed down, I don't really blame her. She wasn't disabled when she had the kids and she is dependent on her husband now. We didn't have some of these problems before her accident. But I have to think of my own child and what is best for her.
This has been a perfectly prime example of how good fathers are assumed to be dead beats until they do everything far above and beyond and brag about it. It's wild how fast the comments turned around and even wilder how fast they will turn even further on this final update. All I can say is good luck OP...