Man actively excludes close friend from wedding; 'I don't want to deal with his financial issues.' AITA?
"AITA for not including friend who always complains about wedding costs in the wedding party?"
I (24M) have an old group of friends that including me is 4 people. We met in grade school and were all good friends through high school. Didnt all go to the same college and dont all live in the same city now but typically get together a few times a year. One of those guys Ill call Mike.
Mike is the one Im definitely the least close to as an adult. We were really tight growing up, but went different paths as adults and our friendship these days is mostly due to longevity and association with the other two guys.
Mike is not a bad guy by any means but we have the least in common and he is always talking/complaining about how expensive things are, especially with weddings when our other two friends in the group got married.
Last summer when another of the guys got married, he complained so much about having to pay for the groomsman suit that was about $250. He also complained about the bachelor party being out of town (like most bach parties Ive been to), and at the wedding itself talked about how weddings are such a waste for one day.
When coming up with our wedding parties my fiancee has her sister plus 5 close friends she wanted to include plus she really wanted to add my little sister which I appreciated. We also both agree matching numbers look best (I know this isnt mandatory, but we like it that way).
For mine, I always wanted my brother as my best man, Im including her little bro because I like him and think its a nice gesture, the other two guys from the group, and my 3 best friends from college.
I didnt feel bad about leaving Mike out because I know how he feels about spending money on a suit for one day, and he'll still be invited to the bachelor party if he wants to go as well as a couple other friends who arent in the wedding party so he wont be the only non groomsman there.
Apparently once he figured out the whole wedding party he got really upset. He hasnt said anything to me but is acting a little passive aggressive and my other friends from the group said he's called me an AH for excluding him and acting like he's worth less than my college buddies who I havent known as long.
I think thats dumb because 1) Even though we've known each other less time, we hang out way more now 2) They know the costs and are totally cool with them 3) Mike complains about the cost of being in the wedding party anyway. He apparently doesnt get this and thinks im just being an AH. Do you think I am ?
Let's see what readers had to say:
farelt writes:
YTA. Have whoever you want in your wedding party, that part's fine. But it doesn't sound like you talked to Mike at all about the decision.
If you'd been proactive and honest, he would probably be less hurt (and if he were, it would be much less justifiable). But yeah, you invite 2 of 3 childhood friends to stand by you at your wedding and don't even address it with the third? Inconsiderate.
flee writes:
NTA…I would not say anything until he says something to you. “Look, mate, I’m sorry, but for one, I chose the people I am closest with, see regularly and talk to frequently. And two, I did not think it would bother you not to be chosen, because all I have ever heard you do at previous weddings is complain about the cost.
You don’t have to worry about this time around. You get to come and have a blast without all the fuss! I hope you do decide to attend because I do consider you a friend and enjoy spending time with you when we are able to get together”.
creamt writes:
ESH. I'm 50/50. I think a NTA would be issued if you had had a conversation with him about it. It feels AHly because he just found out when you could have given him the heads up.
IDK maybe NTA but a conversation would have been better. I only had one bridesmaid, so I told my other two best friends from our group of 4 that I love them and would love them to attend everything but we're only have one person each. Everyone was totally cool, and I think it's because I let them know ahead of time.
faceo writes:
NAH. I understand why he's upset since you included everyone in the friend group except for him. I think that it's annoying he complains about what things cost, but sometimes that's just people making conversation or filling a silence.
If he's complained in the past but always paid for his own suit and always paid for his portion of the bachelor's party, then I don't know that I would have excluded him solely off those complaints.
I do think it's still fine not to include him as a groomsmen if you felt listening to him complain would have put a damper on your own celebration.
Sometimes it's tough to enjoy something if you are hyperaware that people around you are criticizing the very event you're hosting. Like I can't imagine being at a wedding and saying, "this is waste of money!" It's rude, and definitely dampens the mood.
mocinder writes:
Meh to me. Not sure why you even care if you are an AH or not to Mike. You guys are obviously not really friends any more, or else you would have included him in the party, or at the very least, had a conversation with him no matter how difficult it might have been.
Anyway, I know you didn't ask but if you want to salvage the relationship, apologize and explain yourself. Even something along the lines of "Hey man, I'm sorry I didn't talk to you about this.
I really thought you wouldn't mind since you've made it pretty clear weddings aren't really your thing and I thought you'd enjoy it with less obligations" Idk