Man actively excludes in-laws from family tradition; 'It's too painful to include them.' AITA?
When this man excludes his in-laws from a family tradition, he asks the internet
"AITA for excluding my in-laws from an important family tradition that I only do with my kids?"
I am a widow and I don’t plan on remarrying ever. My wife passed when my youngest was born. We live in walking distance to where she was buried and every Christmas Eve we will walk to her grave and put a flower on her tomb. It literally takes 20 minutes at most and is something my kids and I hold dear.
When my son married we all had a conversation and agreed that we will keep it private tradition. My DIL understood and just chilled at the home when we went on our walk.
She started to make hot cocoa for when we get back and now that is a little tradition. The issue is my SIL, my daughter has talked to him and explained that she doesn’t want him during the traditions.
I thought this was the end of it and I was so wrong. I got a call asking me why I am not family to him and that he needs to go to this tradition. I told him he is family but this is a private moment. He called me a jerk and told everyone I excluding him. Now my DIL is in on it and she wants to go. That they are family so I need to let them go.
I told both of them no and they are pissed. My kids are mad at their partners and I am wondering if the family is a jerk for keeping them out. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought.
mig writes:
This is something that you and your kids do. "The family" is not somehow a separate entity from you and your kids - it's just you. You get to choose how you want to remember your late wife.
SIL is an asshole. It's absolutely not his place to insist to be included. If your daughter wanted his support, then that would be a conversation that could be had, but that doesn't seem to be what is going on here. Your daughter actively doesn't want him to come: she wants this to remain a private thing for her, her siblings, and you.
That should be the end of the story. SIL has absolutely no reason to want to be included in this act of remembrance. NTA.
mmabear writes:
NAH. However, things could've been stated a little differently since they are technically family now. I mean, what about when/if there are grandchildren - will they be included or no?
On the flip side, SIL overstepped by calling you when he got an answer he didn't like from your daughter, that's just childish. Then throw in that he "called in reinforcements" which was unnecessary unless his goal was to now stir up drama - which it sounds like he did.
For that, I'd keep it just as it's been. I wouldn't take the chance of him ruining it for everybody just because he can. Sorry but that's the type of guy this description reminds me of - gotta always be included then they'll wanna be the center of attention.
Good luck, OP. I hope this tradition gets to stay alive for your kids, yourself and the memory of your wife.
a9802 writes:
NTA at all. It's ridiculous that you and your kids are dealing with this. It seems like they're just going to keep at it and make Christmas a living hell. What about a "compromise" of they walk with you to the cemetery, and then you and your kids approach the grave by yourselves to have your private moments?
That way, you still be within eyesight of the assholes, and hopefully, that will appease their FOMO tendencies.