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Man has affair baby; ex-wife and four daughters get revenge on him. AITA? UPDATED 2X OVER 6 MONTHS

Man has affair baby; ex-wife and four daughters get revenge on him. AITA? UPDATED 2X OVER 6 MONTHS

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When this man blows up his life and pays the price, he asks the internet:

"I had an affair and my daughters got revenge. AITA?"

I know I'm going to get a lot of shit, for the absurd age gap and the way we started. And I agree and I deserve it but I would really like some genuine advice past going to counselling (she won't agree and I can't afford it anyways).

Tangible things that I can work on and introduce to help us ge this either as a couple or as effective co-parents.

Long story short: My ex-wife and I were together since middle school. We have four daughters in their teens. I was a SAHD and part time worker for most of my life until my youngest was in middle school.

My ex agreed to invest in a passion project business of mine. I hired a receptionist. We started an affair and she baby trapped me. Now we're living together and have a young son.

She resents me because she feels she was fooled. She saw me as a business owner who had a nice car, nice clothes, took her to nice places etc. She thought I was rich so she got pregnant on purpose (admitted it, not an assumption) hoping to use me to not work and sponsor her family from overseas.

Well actually my ex-wife and her family are the rich ones. None of our homes were in our names. We were "renting" from her parents and giving them a nominal fee with the expectation that these homes would be left to my ex (and me) after their death.

This allowed my ex's salary (~150K, not huge in the high COL area) to stretch and we lived a really good life. I left our marriage with half our savings (~25K) and my personal property and car. I lost my business due to lack of funding and I did not seek alimony.

I resent her because I feel I was fooled. I thought she loved me and couldn't believe the interest a young, hot woman showed in me. She was incredibly persistent and pursued me strongly. But she has no feelings for me, no care or desire.

Now that the ruse is dropped, I can't believe I gave up my entire life for what I see was an ego trip. I loved my ex-wife, really I did and still do. But I had never been with another woman and any attempts to open our relationship were shot down. This was like a wet dream come true and I was weak.

Now both me and my gf are in a place we didn't imagine. She's living in a shitty apartment with an old man and still has to work. I've lost my kids, the love of my life, my family, my lifestyle, my business and it's all 100% my own fault. She stopped being intimate with me as soon as she found out I wasn't rich.

We're still together on my end because I feel like I need to have something to show for this shit show of a situation. At least I got a son and a partner out of it. At least it wasn't for nothing.

And also because I don't trust her with our son. She would never agree to give me full custody and she's not a good mother. I would be worried for his safety and the people she would have him around. I honestly don't know why she hasn't left me from her end.

What can I do to improve this situation? I know logically it would be best to break up and co-parent but I'm afraid for my son and I'm embarrassed for myself. Is there a way to salvage this situation?

I'm thinking of just telling her we can have an open relationship. She can sleep with whoever she wants and go wherever she wants as long as she lives here so I can have my son 100% of the time (I work from home). I don't know if that's the answer here though.

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

alimera writes:

I'm going to try my best to give advice without judgment. There is no saving yourself from embarrassment and the only thing to show from this shit show is your son, who is completely innocent.

He doesn't deserve to grow up thinking what you have right now is a healthy relationship and really, can you be a good father when you are miserable? I truly feel the best thing would be to separate and co-parent and try to rebuild your life. And try to rebuild a relationship with your other kids.

Second would be to live as roommates and co-parent. That second option will only work if she agrees and is mature enough to handle it (which sounds doubtful). You messed up. You know it and everyone around you knows it.

Own it and figure out what you want with the rest of your life. Living a half life to make the most of this shitshow you created is not the right decision for you or your son.

thoswa65 writes:

You need mental help. I can’t feel any empathy for you. You might actually be a narcissist. You’re blaming a 23 year old. Maybe since you’re old enough to be her dad you should’ve worn a f condom. Take some responsibility.

She’s probably a damaged young woman that saw you as a white knight but really you’re a f-g grifter flaunting his wife’s money to impress and manipulate a young woman. Let’s call it what it is.

She’s a person, someone’s daughter. I guess the fantasy died real quick when you had to stop objectifying her and saw her as an actual human being

.

Maybe she did love you until she found out everything about you is a lie. You lied. That’s why she hates you. She thought she was involved with a man who ran a business and was successful. Instead she got a loser who LIED.

Stop saying she baby trapped you. YOU’RE TWICE HER AGE. You’re an adult. Take responsibility for your own sexual health. No wonder your daughter is disgusted by you.

She thinks you’re a gross old predator who would sleep with women that are young enough to be her age. You are a predator. Don’t act like you think a 23 year old should be on the same life experience level as you.

You’re blaming everyone but yourself still. This isn’t anyone else’s fault. You wanted to f your young secretary and you got exactly what you asked for.

You knew you were attracted to her when you hired her, stop lying to yourself and everyone here. You set this up and you’re only pissed that you got caught and your easy life went away.

Leave this girl alone and pay child support you f-g disgusting hack. I pity your ex and your poor daughters bc they will never trust men again.

You did that. You gave all your daughters daddy issues. You’re a bad person and so is your affair partner. At least she has the excuse of being young and dumb. You’re just disgusting.

foundsub6 writes:

You're not a good dad either. A good parent would think twice before cheating on their spouse. Cause cheating not only affects the spouse but also affects the children. You're a terrible dad and predetory person.

And no your current partner didn't baby trapped you. Should have wrapped your d or better should have never stuck it in the first place. You're blaming her for your misdeeds. It's really amusing where old dudes like you think a twenty something young girl will persue you cause she she thinks you're attractive.

It's not. But of course men like you have big egos and can't handle the truth. Now instead of taking responsibilities, you're blaming her. You were a terrible husband, a terrible father. Now a terrible partner.

concerte0 writes:

I will try to give an answer to your question. First, I have read your 3 postings to better understand where you are coming from and more importantly where your daughters might be at. It's been 2 years so a week or 2 more will not make a difference.

I understand you have limited resources, so the therapy you might have benefitted from are probably not an option. That does not mean you can't or shouldn't use some time to really reflect on what has happened and the impact and ramifications it has had on your daughters.

You need to be brutally honest with yourself. Open your pandoras box. Nothing less will do. You need to do this without shifting focus from your actions to anyone elses. Whatever your former partners have done or not is not of importance at all. You have to examine your actions, thoughts and emotions years before you stepped out.

Only by focusing and accepting full responsibility for your behaviour, not excusing or explaining it away might you get somewhere.

There are a lot of comments here from people being children experiencing the same as your children has. Use that knowledge to humbly and honestly look deeper into what your actions, not words, did tell them about you. The crumbling of their trust in you. Their loyalty to you ex as they saw the pain you caused her.

Your betrayal of them. That is the core her. BECAUSE you had a good relationship with them, you possibly where their biggest hero. You where their rock, their stability, their mentor. They possibly had you on a pedestal.

Then they discovered that you were not their hero but a flawed human. That is a huge fall. Of course they have difficulty in processing all those mixed emotions, including realising that also a "perfect" dad is not perfect, does stupid shit, and are not the person they believed you to be.

Only when you have gone through all this, being so honest with yourself it hurts to the core, having a deep, profound understanding of the magnitude of your behaviour and actions, the immense pain you have caused when you rocked the foundation of your girls lives.

Only then should you consider reaching out. In writing. Expecting NOTHING in return. No blame, no pushing, Jo poor son that will never know their sisters. It has to be all you, you apologising, you taking the blame, you understanding the debt of your betrayal of them.

Because reading what you are writing here, you are not there yet. You are still focusing on things outside of yourself. That will not do.

When you see a public figure being caught up in something similar as you, you see them standing there at a press conference crying, asking for forgives, that they have betrayed the trust of their family and fans/constituents and so forth.

When I look at them I always wonder, are they sad because they actually understand the horrendous pain they have caused? Or are they just sad they very caught?Make sure you know the difference. Make sure you know that deep down. Only then will your written word have any real meaning for your girls.

They might accept it or not. That is life.By being this honest with yourself I hope you learn a lot about your self too. That way you will be a better parent for your son.

For your daughters to believe in your message, you need to first believe and understand it yourself. In your culpability, your responsibility and your behaviour in their distress, pain and hurt.

luckystat76 writes:

Imagine having a full on extramarital relationship by choice, because as far as I can tell you’re a grown man… using your wife’s money to facilitate the affair and then blaming the AP for getting pregnant. Dude, you had all the power in the world to A. Not have the affair to start and B.

Take preventative measures to prevent pregnancy; condoms, spermicide, making sure she is using preventative methods. No grown man is tricked into getting someone pregnant who they’re having a consenting relationship because there are a many methods of birth control.

You are an idiot and not a good dad. You know why you’re not a good dad, because you knew exactly what an affair would do to your family. And yet, here we are. I hope for your sons sake you get your shit together and leave your ex wife alone.

jerseygirl writes:

Because your most recent post is no longer allowing comments, I'm posting here. I want to say that although your current dilemma is of your own making, there are few among us who have lived a mistake-free existence. Ok, most probably haven't screwed up to the level you have, but many have and made it through to the other side.

It's apparent your daughter's aren't willing to have a relationship with you right now, so your best course of action is to establish a friendly, respectful relationship with your ex-wife. If you haven't already done so, it's time to write your ex a letter apologizing for the hurt and chaos you created.

It's important that it's a formal apology. In this letter, accept ALL responsibility and be sure to make no excuses or explanations for your actions. Explain that she did nothing to deserve what happened and express your desire to learn from your mistakes and grow to be a better person.

Do not ask for forgiveness. Instead tell her that if she should some day forgive your actions, that's up to her. Wish her well in her new marriage and let her know that while you'll forever wait for your daughters to reach out you will respect their request for no contact.

Not only is this the right thing to do and the next step to healing your own wounds, but it's necessary to maintain contact with your ex because she's the mother of your children who you hope to reunite with someday. Whatever you do, don't disappear. Remain accessible so your daughters know you're not going anywhere. Best of luck to you and hang in there.

And now, OP's first update:

I had an affair, my ex-wife divorced me and my kids absolutely refuse to speak to me.

I was an incredibly involved dad. Most of their lives I worked 1-2 days a week and then stayed home with them the rest. I was closer to them than their mom and I'd like to think I've never disappointed them before this. I made a mistake, it's been over 2 years since it all came out and I haven't been able to make any headway.

My eldest is hung up on the fact that I now have a young son. Every first born of each generation in my family has been a boy for a long time and she broke the streak.

I honestly could not care less about that, I've always thought that pressure was stupid and I'm not a traditionally masculine guy that always wanted a boy.

But she's so hurt that I have a son and is convinced that's all I've ever wanted and he's replaced her and my daughters. None of that is true. All of my girls said they don't consider themselves to have a brother and want nothing to do with him.

All four of them feel betrayed and blame me for breaking up our family. I deserve the blame, it's my fault and I take responsibility. But I can't change the past and I don't know how I can begin making up for it.

My ex has full custody of them but I'm supposed to have visitation one weekend a month. They're all in therapy and it was suggested to not enforce the visitation and respect their boundaries while they work through it. I've done that the entire time and there's no progress made.

Does anyone have any suggestions about what I can do here? My ex absolutely hates me but was always supportive of the girls staying in contact with me. She's respected their wishes but still gives me updates once in a while.

My eldest is turning 18 soon and graduating this coming year and probably moving away for university. I feel like the time to make up with her especially is slipping away.

I know I'm the shitty person here. I was a terrible husband but I was honestly a really good dad and I miss my girls. Has anyone been through something like this? How did it turn out? What are your suggestions?

I did fight for custody but they were all old enough that the court considered their preference and the situation and only granted me visitation.

A part of that was also because I didn't have the means to get a place large enough for all four girls, my son, my girlfriend and myself. I still don't have room for them in my current apartment and being a mostly SAHD did not give me the experience/education to get a good enough job to support them here.

I got baby trapped during the affair (something she admitted) which I know makes this much worse. I think I could have maintained a relationship with my girls even after the divorce if I didn't have to stay with my AP and didn't have a new baby.

I didn't abandon my girls. I didn't leave my family for my gf. I wanted to stay with my girls and my ex and work this out. My ex refused because the girls already knew about the affair and it wouldn't be setting a good example and there was going to be another child involved that she wanted nothing to do with. But to be clear, I would've stayed with my family after the affair if given the choice.

The affair was a stupid mistake born out of curiosity since my ex was the only woman I've ever been with. It was not something I was committed to or wanted to continue long term.

I brought this up before and we did have honest conversations about it. We'd been together since middle school and had been each others first and only. She LOVED that.

She had no curiosity about other people and thought it was special that we'd only had sex with each other. And she is a very monogamous person in general, couldn't even handle the thought of me being with someone else. If I wanted to be with someone else, it would have to be as a single man.

I have to stay with her because she's a bad mother and I don't trust her with our son. If we split up then she would have him at least 50% of the time. I would've left a long time ago if not for that.

And now, OP's second update, three months later:

Good news: my girlfriend and I have broken up. She has gone back to her home country and left my son with me. Refused to sign any formal custody agreement so I'm hoping she stays there and doesn't bother us again.

I'm pretty sure if she comes back and demands time with him I have a good case for maintaining custody. She's not even interested in face timing with him so he remembers her. I feel bad that my son will deal with a shitty/absent mother but I hope I can get him into therapy as he grows.

Bad news: I've tried my best to insist on visitation with my daughters and that has fallen through. They absolutely refused to see me. They wrote me a letter together that says how much they hate me, how betrayed they feel, how they'll never forgive me and how my son will never be their brother.

To not even bother telling him about them because they'll never be interested in knowing him. Just to forget about them altogether and move on with my "new family". I have no legal recourse.

The youngest is 13 now, old enough to have a say in custody arrangements. And I don't think forcing them to see me would do me any favours long term anyways.

They also included pictures of their mother's wedding. My ex has no obligation to tell me about her personal life but I'm pretty pissed that there is a man living with my daughters that I didn't know about.

It is a family friend that has been in their lives 10+ years so not a total stranger but still hurt to see pictures of their recent wedding and family pictures with my daughters. They mentioned that they have a father figure and don't need me anyways.

The whole thing really hurt. I know I have no right to feel hurt that my ex has moved on when I cheated on her. But their whole relationship has moved very fast so I'm now wondering if they started it before we got divorced. No way to know now. Doesn't matter anyways.

My ex agreed to keep me up to date and send pictures of my daughters once in a while. After dealing with my son's mom, I'm grateful she is so good to our girls and I don't have to worry about their well-being.

I'm trying to focus on being a good dad to my son and patiently waiting for my girls to grow up and reach out. It may never happen but I'm hopeful that they will understand me more as they become adults and gain context for life.

What do YOU make of OP's story? Any advice for this man?

Sources: Reddit
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