Man 'allows' his wife to join the guys in his family while the women are cooking, 'I encouraged her.' AITA?
"AITA for 'allowing' my wife join the guys in my family when the women are cooking?"
My wife (25f) and I (27m) have been married for 6 months and together for 7 years. My wife isn't close to her family (long story) and I had a pretty decent relationship with mine so when she graduated a year ago and we were ready to settle down, she wanted us to be near my family. They had met and things were okay so it seemed cool.
One thing I should mention is my family are more traditional, the women and men in the extended family mostly. My great grandma always believed that during family time women do the cooking and men should do their own thing, play outside, watch a game, something.
My brothers and I know how to cook only because my dad, who married into the family with the traditional views, was not raised that way and knows how to cook. He was able to get us competent lol.
I'm pretty good but not as good as someone who was taught more and earlier. But the traditional views were always weird to me and were not something I believed in ever. It was something I was upfront with my wife about when we were only dating.
My wife is an amazing cook. I will sing her praises every chance I get. She makes amazing food. She was super popular with her roommates and later our roommates in college when she'd agree to take on cooking duty. We both cook at home but I love every night she cooks.
The women in my family are jealous of this. Ever since we moved closer she was expected to join them in the kitchen. Her cooking got compliments from the family. The men didn't always realize it was her and would say they loved the changes made to a dish.
As a direct result the female members of my family were being d-s to my wife and making comments about her not doing enough and being lazy but then trying to take over. My wife really wanted to be close to them so she tried so hard. But I hated seeing it and my dad couldn't get through to mom.
So I told her she should step out of the kitchen and join us guys. She was hesitant to do so but had fun the first time and she fit right in and this pissed off the women in the family who told me I should be insisting she join them like she's supposed to.
They said I should not "allow" her to skip cooking duty. I told them I encouraged her to stay with us since they were so unfair to her. I told them we could always skip seeing them if that would make them happier.
My wife feels bad. My dad joined me in telling her that the women are just being too hard on her and she doesn't deserve to be treated the way they were treating her. We talked about not attending and I enjoy being with the family less but she hopes it'll get better.
My mom confronted me alone and again told me I was wrong to "allow" this. I told my mom I love my wife and do not want her mistreated and excluded by my family. She said I'm not doing any favors hiding her from them. I told her they could try being nicer. She said I'm making this a bigger deal than it needs to be. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
freerange_chicken said:
NTA. You’re doing the right thing helping her to be comfortable in these situations. It’s a no-win thing for her, but at least you and your dad are supporting her. Also, “allowing” her?
You’re not her boss or keeper. Good on you for making the effort to make your wife comfortable and refusing to give in to this outdated nonsense.
SamSpayedPI said:
NTA, but rather than just "supporting" your wife joining the men, wouldn't it be more meaningful if your dad and you helped in the kitchen?
Joubachi said:
NTA - good you stand up against your sexist family members. Honestly I wouldn't have threatened to not attend, I would just go back home and not come back until changes have been made.
I doubt your wife appreciates their behavior but maybe sees them as "still better than no family" or "not wantinf to separate you from them" given you pointing out she's not on good terma with hers...
Lazuli_Rose said:
NTA. Something similar happened when I married my husband. During the holidays, the women were always in the kitchen cooking while the men watched sports or whatever was on TV.
I tried a few times to help but they never wanted me to cook anything, just sit in the kitchen while they cooked and talked about past holidays or other things that I had never been a part of so I couldn't even join in the conversation.
I made something at home one year and brought it along so I could have at least contributed, but it got "misplaced" and never served. So they next get together I didn't go sit in the kitchen. I went in the living room and watched football with the guys.
About an hour later I guess the women realized I wasn't tucked away in the corner watching and listening to them so they came looking for me. Were mad that I was watching the game.
Told me I needed to get back in the kitchen and "help". I told them "No. You never let me make anything. You never include me in the conversation. You even refused to serve my dish last time by misplacing it. I'm not going to sit around bored and ignored."
Yeah, they didn't like it but what could they do? A few mumbles and grumbles and we left early. I started skipping a get together every now and then. My husband would go alone or skip as well.
He's actually a decent cook and it's much more enjoyable cooking together and having our own traditions. When they complained, he told them they brough it on themselves.
whowasthatreally said:
It is your job to protect your wife. She is your person. You are doing what you should. NTA.
Terra88draco said:
NTA. Next group get together should be at your place where your rules are the rules to follow and the men and your wife cook/grill and the other women have to adorn the couches. And tell them if they balk they can not come (but make sure the men still come).
Exclude the bullies. Start the breakdown of traditional BS. Traditions are fine when they are respectful to everyone involved. But when they are used as weapons of chaos it times to dismantle.